And definitely do not accidentally blurt out "balloon of heroin in my ass".

I wonder if the police have some kind of merit badge for arresting ol' Henry 10, 50, or 100 times?

Time to find a bar that caters to third shifters, then watch in horror when your "normal" working friends ask you what you had for breakfast and you can tell them "bourbon".

If I have any super power, it is the ability to accurately place my glasses in a safe and visible location regardless of intoxication severity. It took several years of waking up to bent frames and finding them under the bed or in the freezer to perfect however.

Coke slurpee.

Word of warning on the milk thistle: I started taking it when it was readily apparent that my liver was about to go supernova and for the first couple months I can't really say if it was a benefit or not, but as soon as I stopped taking it, my gums stopped bleeding within a few days. That being said...

I've been forced to cut back due to my voiding the warranty on my liver.

I was cleaning out Granny's fridge a couple of years back and I ran across a bottle of Kraft horseradish that expired in 1982, should have been sending that fucker up to the liquor store for me. I kept it in there just to see if anyone would ever notice.

If you have an earlier version of Star Wars, pause it right before Greedo takes one in breadbasket and slow motion it ever so slightly forward. A split second before Greedo kisses the table there's this awful puppet/prop Greedo that they blow up (that's where the smoke comes from). My bud refers to ...

The co-owner of my regular establishment just visited me at work to make sure I was doing OK, talk about customer service.

I made brief mention of my first, and now only brush with the heretofore unknown that was non alcoholic beer by way of recent health crisis. It tasted like mediciny, slightly hopped windex. One of the most vile things I've ever had, give me a Tequiza or a Bud Light Chelada or even that can of Hamm's...

I have a nasty toenail fungus and a prescription for lamisil to cure it; but it requires being dry for 90 days to avoid liver destruction. And therein lies a strange paradox: while you can visibly see your toe rot and actively ignore it in the noble pursuit of booze, I cannot see the festering woun...

I'm there in spirit at least.

Look on the bright side. You live in Muskegon, Michigan! Only to remind me why I like boozing so much, and no I did not go to the Weekend Warrior Bikefest, best of what's left Summer Celebration or the Rothbury hippie convention. This isn't helping, I'm going to need a drink sooner rather than late...

Well, I've been avoiding this place like a wounded prize fighter shying from an ally fight because of my current wretched condition. I've been in that one place all boozers hate, the dreaded wagon. After being advised by my brother that I probably had an ulcer, and the fact that I went from Ironguts...