Drunken Home Improvements

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Rye and Coke
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Drunken Home Improvements

Post by Rye and Coke »

I don't think I've ever done any type of home improvement without being plastered (ha!). I replaced a toilet in my basement while completely hammered. I barely remember doing it. Not only did i remove the old toilet, throw it into an industrial strength, construction site, trash bag, but I added the new toilet (bowl and tank), wax ring and all, all while entirely shit faced.

I can't do it any other way. I over think things. I procrastinate.

But once a few drinks hit my system, I'm all like, "Where the fuck is the hammer let's knock some holes in some shit!!!" Swinging a mallet like Thor and barking like a drunk Tim Allen, which it turns out is just a normal Tim Allen.

We needed to get the walls done in our laundry room, because it was unfinished. It was an eyesore and Jack and Coke had had enough. I told her that while I know how to drywall, I've never really done it by myself. As my father was always there with me growing up, I was worried I'd fuck something up on my own. So her brother came over and said he'd do it.

When I say he left screaming at the horrible Tetris level craziness of the room's framing, I am not lying. He said fuck it, sorry can't do it, hopped on a plane and went home. He even left his tools that's how crazy it was.

Me, I grabbed a bottle of something, drank until I could see light through the upturned bottle, and said, "gimme that goddamn power drill."

I undid what my brother in law did and redid the whole thing; not entirely by myself, I did have sweet mother booze by my side.

I don't know what it is, but it works for me.

Right now I'm regrouting my shower and I'm already several drinks in and shit is running smoooooth.

Has anyone else needed booze to lower their "what if" system so that they could finally get some shit done?
"I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why." - Redd Foxx

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Re: Drunken Home Improvements

Post by Hugh »

Nope - exact opposite for me. Once drunk, I do NOTHING. And I always procrastinate before doing anything. I left my bathroom light socket busted for a month before I finally replaced it.

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Re: Drunken Home Improvements

Post by Rye and Coke »

Hugh wrote:
Sat May 16, 2020 4:56 pm
Nope - exact opposite for me. Once drunk, I do NOTHING. And I always procrastinate before doing anything. I left my bathroom light socket busted for a month before I finally replaced it.
Okay, this is interesting. What about writing? Do you write drunk, or write undrunk and celebrate once the piece is finished with a crazy bender? When I was writing heavy, I was completely undrunk.

But when I was writing good, I had to have something in my system. Then I would edit undrunk and drink like shit when that magical moment of "oh shit, it's done!" comes.
"I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why." - Redd Foxx

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Re: Drunken Home Improvements

Post by Hugh »

Rye and Coke wrote:
Sat May 16, 2020 6:12 pm
Hugh wrote:
Sat May 16, 2020 4:56 pm
Nope - exact opposite for me. Once drunk, I do NOTHING. And I always procrastinate before doing anything. I left my bathroom light socket busted for a month before I finally replaced it.
Okay, this is interesting. What about writing? Do you write drunk, or write undrunk and celebrate once the piece is finished with a crazy bender? When I was writing heavy, I was completely undrunk.

But when I was writing good, I had to have something in my system. Then I would edit undrunk and drink like shit when that magical moment of "oh shit, it's done!" comes.
Drinking and writing go together, it's my my raison d'etre.

I write undrunk in the mornings before going to work, but nights and weekends are drunken writing. Although, over the last few years, I rarely drink and write on weeknights anymore. Just too tired for it. But I tear it up on the weekends. Some of my drunken writing is crap, especially fiction, and has to be heavily edited or discarded. But writing to me isn't doing something, it's more like play time. I used to liken it to playing video games on a computer. Others are shooting up bad guys on their computers, I'm filling up blank pages.

I don't celebrate finishing a piece, although I may celebrate a piece being posted at a place I didn't think I would be accepted at. I once had a short story accepted at a place I thought would reject it - so I went and got a $45 bottle of Knob Creek.

But, as I've discovered over the last couple of years, treating writing as play time leads to a lot of rejection. The more I take it seriously, and the more I work at it, the more it gets accepted. I once asked myself in my diary if I should give up the drinking part of drinking and writing. So far, the answer is no. I love it too much.

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Re: Drunken Home Improvements

Post by Nausea »

Hugh wrote:
Sat May 16, 2020 6:31 pm
I once had a short story accepted at a place I thought would reject it - so I went and got a $45 bottle of Knob Creek.
The problem with my finances is that I buy the $50 bottles for no reason at all other than pure enjoyment of the drank.
Oh God, my grandmother would kill me.

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Re: Drunken Home Improvements

Post by Artful Drunktective »

I'm with ya on the drunken motivation. I think because it makes tackling mundane projects sorta fun. And in the early drinking stages, I have a super human burst of energy that drives me to do active stuff. That's probably how shows like "Jackass" got started.
"Something's got to be done. We can't go on like this.
I must have some booze".


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Re: Drunken Home Improvements

Post by scream ale »

I occasionally have a small burst of initiative to do things-cleaning, minor maitenance-when I start drinking. More often than not I prefer to do nothing more than sit on my ass and play records.
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Re: Drunken Home Improvements

Post by Sammy »

Years ago, back in the late 80's, I was living with a friend who was a carpenter by trade. He'd come home after work every day and proceed to drink a 12 pack while rebuilding his front porch and I would help him. After a few hours of work we'd declare ourselves drunk and our work a complete success. Then in the morning, once we were both undrunk again, he'd look at what we did to the front porch and realize that we totally fucked it up. So, he would go to work and then come home again with a 12 pack. We'd proceed to dismantle the work we did the day before and start over again. The next morning the cycle repeated itself. This went on for about a week until he realized the front porch would never get rebuilt correctly until we waited for the weekend so we could work on it during the morning hours before it was time to start drinking. I learned that if I need something done it's best to pay somebody that supposedly knows what they're doing to do the work for me.
Last edited by Sammy on Mon May 18, 2020 8:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Drunken Home Improvements

Post by oettinger »

I don`t operate any powertools when drunk. The risk of stupid drunk injury is to high.
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Re: Drunken Home Improvements

Post by Rye and Coke »

oettinger wrote:
Sun May 17, 2020 10:02 am
I don`t operate any powertools when drunk. The risk of stupid drunk injury is to high.
Yeah, my scarred, bruised and knotted up body is a monument to that fact that drunken stupidity isn't something I've been known to shy away from.
"I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why." - Redd Foxx

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Re: Drunken Home Improvements

Post by scream ale »

I'm planning on staining the steps on the patio over the long weekend. This should prove comical.
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Re: Drunken Home Improvements

Post by Rye and Coke »

scream ale wrote:
Fri May 22, 2020 5:35 pm
I'm planning on staining the steps on the patio over the long weekend. This should prove comical.
If you fuck up, you HAVE to take pictures. They don't even need to be too revealing, but I want to see the drunken damage, haha
"I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why." - Redd Foxx

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Re: Drunken Home Improvements

Post by scream ale »

Rye and Coke wrote:
Fri May 22, 2020 5:43 pm
scream ale wrote:
Fri May 22, 2020 5:35 pm
I'm planning on staining the steps on the patio over the long weekend. This should prove comical.
If you fuck up, you HAVE to take pictures. They don't even need to be too revealing, but I want to see the drunken damage, haha
Will do. It's only three steps how bad can I do? Of course my middle name is Awshitfuck.
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Re: Drunken Home Improvements

Post by Artful Drunktective »

Rye and Coke wrote:
Fri May 22, 2020 5:43 pm
scream ale wrote:
Fri May 22, 2020 5:35 pm
I'm planning on staining the steps on the patio over the long weekend. This should prove comical.
If you fuck up, you HAVE to take pictures. They don't even need to be too revealing, but I want to see the drunken damage, haha

You should do it on Skype. Us drunks could do MST3K commentary. Now THAT would be even more comical. And we wanna see Rye carrying around his toilets while drunk as well.
"Something's got to be done. We can't go on like this.
I must have some booze".


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Re: Drunken Home Improvements

Post by oettinger »

Artful Drunktective wrote:
Sat May 23, 2020 1:08 am
Rye and Coke wrote:
Fri May 22, 2020 5:43 pm
scream ale wrote:
Fri May 22, 2020 5:35 pm
I'm planning on staining the steps on the patio over the long weekend. This should prove comical.
If you fuck up, you HAVE to take pictures. They don't even need to be too revealing, but I want to see the drunken damage, haha

You should do it on Skype. Us drunks could do MST3K commentary. Now THAT would be even more comical. And we wanna see Rye carrying around his toilets while drunk as well.
Drunk Ale operatin`
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