The art of the art of drinking alone

[Dear Booze]

Nobody was harmed or kicked down Lush City's stairs.

FUCK!

[oettinger]

Antoher national holiday spent with my loved ones alone. Damn these catholics, they were geniuses inventing random drinking occasions

[Dear Booze]

1.35 mugs. Nice. I want one.

As someone who has no 1.35 mugs, I find this post highly offensive. OVER THE LINE!

[Dear Booze]

Father's Day, June 18, 2017. I sit here and drink alone.

What a day to spend with my parents and sister and brother-in-law and nieces as we celebrate dads, who for no other reason but for slipping the bone to some gal or another became a father, and is therefore remebered on this day.

So I drink alone.

It's one hundred and six degrees outside and i can hear the neighbor kids playing in the swimming pool next door, soaking in piss-soaked water while I sit, soaked in my own sweat.

So I drink alone.

I celebrated another rotation of the sun on Friday, but didn't want any fanfare or celebration. I just wanted to be left alone to drink.

So I drink alone.

The temperature has brought on the annual overloading of circuits and transformers and electric shit, caused by hundreds of thousands of air conditioners running at optimum capacity and therefore blowing some utility devices out of service, and causing a city-wide blackout. And it is fucking hot.

So I drink alone.

Just as the sun set, one of the five or six fucking smoke alarms in my house started beeping every sixty seconds to remind me that its hard-wired circuitry has failed and that the battery is not functioning. I tried to simply ignore it, but failed. So i grabbed a flashlight and went out to the shed to retrieve an extension ladder to climb up to my ridiculously high bedroom ceiling to replace the battery. I accomplished this just in time to realize that its not one of the fucking smoke alarms, but a really stupid C02 censor which is plugged into an outlet in the fucking hall. To access the stupid device, i simply bent over and unplugged it. I then removed the failing battery and violently threw the sensor onto my garage floor. I hope it broke.

So I drink alone.

And now sweat is pouring off of me like rain. How did people live in this god forsaken desert before Willis Carrier invented the Air Conditioner in 1902?

So I drink alone.

Why the Fuck does this happen every fucking year? Whay doesn't Pacific Gas & Electric prepare for this? They better have some engineers on staff. And thise engineers better know how to read a calendar and some sort of weather forcast. There must be a way to prepare for this. Fuck. I certainly pay that anti-christ of a company enough fucking money. They are a shining example of one of the greatest betrayals of human decency.

So I drink alone.

Cheers.

[Artful Drunktective]

I got this one!
Quit yer bitchin' Dear Booze Vernon Treehorn. Here was his day really in a nutshell.

What a day to spend getting drunk with hookers as we celebrate dads, who for no other reason but for slipping the bone to some gal or another became a father, and is therefore reminded on this day that they shoulda had anal sex instead.

So I drank Piña colada‘s alone.

And that they coulda used condoms!

It's one hundred and sixteen degrees outside and i can hear the neighbor kids playing in the swimming pool next door, soaking in piss-soaked water while I sit, soaked in my own sweat and I was upset that I didn’t get invited to play and soak in the piss water with them.

So I played with myself and drank alone.

Ya coulda played and peed in your koi pond. Aren’t the koi used to that by now?

I celebrated another crazy day of drinking the night away to forget about everything but didn't want any fanfare or celebration. I just wanted to be left alone to drink and lip sync and play air bongo.

So I played my flute and drank alone.

You’re just saying that because nobody wanted to hang out with you.

Just as the sun set, one of the five or six fucking hookers in my house started screaming every sixty seconds to remind me that my hard-wired circuitry has failed and that the Chinese fuck basket lift battery is not functioning. I tried to simply ignore it, but failed. So i ran down my spiral staircase, grabbed a flashlight and went out to the slave quarters to retrieve an extension ladder to climb up my redonkulously high bedroom ceiling to replace the lift battery for the basket hanging over my waterbed. I accomplished this just in time to realize that it’s not one of the fucking Lithuanian boy toys in the fuck basket, but a really stupid hooker named Diva that got electrocuted when she plugged a Lava Lamp into an outlet while in the fucking Jacuzzi. To access the stupid device, i simply bent over, got Rusty Tromboned, and then unplugged it. I then removed the failing battery and violently threw the Diva hooker down the spiral staircase. I hope it broke.

So I took all the dead hookers in the back of my Beamer wrapped up in rugs out to the desert and drank alone.

This is O-VERN THE LINE!!!! Nobody feels sorry for you and multitude of prostitutes, heart shaped hot tubs in your bedroom, in addition to your lofty bedroom Cathedral ceilings in your wannabe Hugh Hefner Mayoral mansion. I woulda liked to have seen you get the extension ladder up those stairs however.

And now sweat is pouring off of me like rain between all the Donkey Punching, Dirty Sanchezes, Rusty Trombonage, and Hot Carl action all happening at the same time. How did people live in this god forsaken desert before Willis Carrier invented the Air Conditioner in 1902?

So I drink with the remaining hookers…not alone..

I’m gonna have to quote my buddy Sam Kinison on this one. "YOU LIVE IN A DESERT!! UNDERSTAND THAT? YOU LIVE IN A F***ING DESERT!! NOTHING GROWS HERE! NOTHING'S GONNA GROW HERE! Come here, you see this? This is sand. You know what it's gonna be 100 years from now? IT'S GONNA BE SAND!! YOU LIVE IN A F***ING DESERT! We have deserts in America, we just don't live in them, a**holes!"

The temperature has brought on the annual overloading of circuits, Muslim immigrants, Lithuanian sex trafficking, and transformers and electric shit, caused by hundreds of thousands of air conditioners running at optimum capacity and therefore blowing some utility devices out of service, and causing a city-wide blackout causing riots comparable to L.A. And it is fucking hot.

So I had to drink my umbrella drinks in my furry mauve G-string banana hammock that matches Councilman Oettinger's... alone.

Isn’t there something you could do like declare a state of emergency? You are the fucking Mayor for fucks sake.

Why the Fuck does this happen every fucking year? Why doesn't Pacific Gas & Electric prepare for this? Why do I have all these rape allegations? Why doesn’t anybody know who the fucking San Francisco Giants are? They better have some engineers on staff. And thise engineers better know how to read a pin-up calendar and some sort of weather forcast. There must be a way to prepare for this. Fuck. I certainly pay that anti-christ of a company enough fucking money that I could instead be saving for gambling, bribes, and lawyer’s fees for lawsuits from illegal campaign finance violations. This too, is a shining example of one of the greatest betrayals of human decency.

So I drink alone while I listen to George Thorogoods’s “I Drink Alone”.

There must be a way to prepare for this? Gee Verne, you got this ass backwards. If you know these things are going to happen every year, it’s going to be hot as fuck every year (in the desert surprisingly), you know PG & E will be ill prepared for it, and you also, will be ill prepared…buy yourself a fucking generator instead of all those prostitutes. Or perhaps plan your trip to the Hamptons or Norwegian cruise during that time. Or maybe have your lawyer help arrange your random impending incarcerations then. I think you need to reconfigure your time management in a more efficient manner. It's not the weather's fucking fault, Dude.

Granted, I had a blast jumping on the trampoline at at the Treehorn manor, a disco ball on the Cathedral ceiling would really tie the room together.

And you really should get a co2 sensor.

Know what I mean, Vern?

[Dear Booze]

Shit. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Thanks, Harmful Directive.

[oettinger]

Wow I`m speechless, freaking funny!!!!! Thanks for the laughs Artful D