Random Alcohol Testing

[Dear Booze]

I’m fairly certain that the folks at work are all full of shit. This isn’t a proclamation made out of disrespect or disdain for those people, but a statement made from a great deal of observation.

I work for a really big corporation with thousands of people in dozens of departments. And each department has several divisions. There are, as you can imagine, lots of rules and regulations and memos and notifications and standard operating procedures and forms and other piles of bullshit. We’re all required to attend an annual class which addresses sexual harassment, another that teaches us about ethics and another that deals with being under the influence while working.

We are all informed that a random drug and alcohol test can be administered at any time. And I believe them. Fuck, we all believe them. We believe them because we’ve heard this story:

There was a guy named Alex who was let go because he drank on the job. He would sneak off with a bottle and just get drunk all day. To this day, they kept finding empty bottles hidden in air conditioning ducts, behind cabinets, and under furniture.

Everyone knows the story, but not one single person whom I know has any first-hand knowledge of this guy. I’ve started wondering if Alex could possibly be the mouse in the coke bottle, or the Kentucky Fried Rat, or the chupacabra that leaves a trail of sucked-dry goat corpses throughout the southwestern states and Mexico.

Is Alex real?

God, I hope so because if he’s a boogey man designed to scare us into submission, then we’re no better than some god-damned communist country.

[mistah willies]

Gawdbless Alex.

We have all been Alex at one point or another, but what proper Modern Drunkard leaves his empties all over the work-place? Damn.

A proper hiker to the top of the mountain will carry out what he carries in. Don't defecate where you eat. Drink and get pissed if you can, just don't piss over the top of your cubicle into another's work space.

Well, unless they piss you off.

Them bottles may come in handy as well.


As far as communism, Nope.

Nothing is fair nor truly equal in the corporate country. It is a business, so it is more like fascism. OBEY.


Seek to be Discorporate.



Cooperate, but in a spiritual manner.

The Holy Spirit.


Church is out, now go preach the word of Goddess Ethyl.


Amen






.

[oettinger]

See! And some people around here wonder why I choose to be lazy and poor.

Alex was probably the son of your companies boss who after his first bender went berserk and landed in jail or worse. Your boss after that incident began to hate imbibers, layed all fault upon hooch and made up this boozing version of a child eating gnome to scare people off.
The bottles were placed there by staff members to back up their silly faux story.

If Alex was indeed real, cheers to him! His name might have been Bob though.

[Palinka (RIP)]

Always keep a pint bottle of Everclear which has some powdered codeine phosphate dissolved into it, concealed, in a secure place, in your office. As soon as you hear of any testing going on within your office, empty the Everclear codeine mix into your office water cooler or, in small amounts, into every coffee pot that you can (make sure that you dispose of the container somewhere that it will never be found. This way, so many people will test positive for alcohol and opiates that they will either figure that the test kits were contaminated or the whole office will be treated to a course of "Alcohol and Narcotics in the Workplace".

On the other hand, you could just keep a bottle of pholcodeine lictus in your desk drawer, with a good swallow missing, and if called in for a test, point out that you have a sore throat/bad cold and that you've been taking, the pefectly legal, over-the-counter medication to deal with it. Therefore, any sample that you give will be skewed.

These handy hints should keep you happily hooching the workday away.

[oettinger]

Always keep a pint bottle of Everclear which has some powdered codeine phosphate dissolved into it, concealed, in a secure place, in your office. As soon as you hear of any testing going on within your office, empty the Everclear codeine mix into your office water cooler or, in small amounts, into every coffee pot that you can (make sure that you dispose of the container somewhere that it will never be found. This way, so many people will test positive for alcohol and opiates that they will either figure that the test kits were contaminated or the whole office will be treated to a course of "Alcohol and Narcotics in the Workplace".

Hah, or even more evil, put it all in the cup of the most hated butt-licking do it all for the boses asshole on your office and tell em testers you just mistakenly took a sip out of his/her cup.

Btw first thought the title was about buying something you never heard of and downing it on spot

[Mr. Viking]

Btw first thought the title was about buying something you never heard of and downing it on spot

I am quite keen on this. I have these men from Sunday Drinker to thank for inspiration:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsMXgw9YP4I

[oettinger]

Btw first thought the title was about buying something you never heard of and downing it on spot

I am quite keen on this. I have these men from Sunday Drinker to thank for inspiration:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsMXgw9YP4I

Hahaha, "very drinkable" indeed.
I immediately thought to myself if he`s gonna eat that fine cheese?
Just fits together so well with red

[Mr. Viking]

I immediately thought to myself if he`s gonna eat that fine cheese?
Just fits together so well with red

solidly off topic, but have you seen the panda cheese ads?

[oettinger]

I immediately thought to myself if he`s gonna eat that fine cheese?
Just fits together so well with red

solidly off topic, but have you seen the panda cheese ads?

Yeah, groundwork for some awesome gifs on the sports forums!

[Dear Booze]

Always keep a pint bottle of Everclear which has some powdered codeine phosphate dissolved into it, concealed, in a secure place, in your office. As soon as you hear of any testing going on within your office, empty the Everclear codeine mix into your office water cooler or, in small amounts, into every coffee pot that you can (make sure that you dispose of the container somewhere that it will never be found. This way, so many people will test positive for alcohol and opiates that they will either figure that the test kits were contaminated or the whole office will be treated to a course of "Alcohol and Narcotics in the Workplace".

On the other hand, you could just keep a bottle of pholcodeine lictus in your desk drawer, with a good swallow missing, and if called in for a test, point out that you have a sore throat/bad cold and that you've been taking, the pefectly legal, over-the-counter medication to deal with it. Therefore, any sample that you give will be skewed.

These handy hints should keep you happily hooching the workday away.

Very good ideas! I want to dose the entire staff just for the fun of it.

Since my original post, I've thought long and hard about this. In addition to nobody having any recollection of ever really meeting "Alex", none of the people I work with have ever been subjected to a random test of any kind.

Here's something else... Let's say I get caught in the throws of an epic work-hours day-drunk. They can't fire me. Since the AMA considers alcoholism a disease, I just have to tell our Personnel Department that I'm an alcoholic.

But it really boils down to a set of hypocritical rules. If I show up and do a stellar job and am polite, I can probably get away with just about anything. Hell, I could probably sit at my desk, masturbating all afternoon and nothing would happen. Imagine, some poor intern would see this and freak out. He'd go tell my boss "hey, that guy is in there whacking off at his desk!" My boss would say "go ask him if he needs anything."

So, if Alex was ever a real guy, he was probably a dick who did a shitty job.

[oettinger]

My boss would say "go ask him if he needs anything."

That one made my day, thank you very much.

Cheers!

[Miklo]

If I show up and do a stellar job and am polite, I can probably get away with just about anything. .

This is key! Dont every give anyone a reson to supect that you are a drunk. My opinion, there was never an "Alex", if there was, it was years ago, like the 50s or 60s. I have heard stories about where I work, and the people here before me would find beer cans stashed away, or everyone had Irish coffees in the morning. That was a time in the past. No modern work day boozer brings a bottle of Titos to work and hides the bottle in an air duct. As far a "random" testing goes, from what I understand, if regular testing is not a condition of your enployment, they cannot single you out because they "think" you are drunk. That is a HR discrimination issue. They would have to test others, and somehow include you on a random, but thats money that they are more than likely not willing to pay for especially if you are a good employee, ie always on time, stay late if needed, be the best at your job,

[Dear Booze]

If I show up and do a stellar job and am polite, I can probably get away with just about anything. .

This is key! Dont every give anyone a reson to suspect yore a drunk... if you are a good employee, ie always on time, stay late if needed, be the best at your job,

THIS is the key to everything. It's the key to a successful life of drinking. It applies to all aspects of life. Drunks don't get thrown out of bars. Assholes do.

Bottom line:
Drunk=okay
Asshole=not okay

Rules to live by.

[mistah willies]

THIS is the key to everything. It's the key to a successful life of drinking. It applies to all aspects of life. Drunks don't get thrown out of bars. Assholes do.

Bottom line:
Drunk=okay
Asshole=not okay

Rules to live by.

Amen, my friend. Indeed.


DRINK!