My letter of complaint regarding the new Stolichnaya bottle

A forum to post your thoughts about the art and beauty of getting loaded.

Moderators: Badfellow, Mr Boozificator, Artful Drunktective, mistah willies, NYDingbat, Judge, oettinger, Oggar

Post Reply
User avatar
TheDrunkardAnglo
Lord of Benders
Lord of Benders
Posts: 211
Joined: Sun Apr 26, 2015 9:00 am
Location: In that really rough dive bar that bloke told me not to go into

My letter of complaint regarding the new Stolichnaya bottle

Post by TheDrunkardAnglo » Wed Mar 02, 2016 5:06 am

To whomever it may concern,

I’m writing to you to express my disappointment at your bottle redesign. I realise, after further investigation, that my complaints are coming to you delayed. This is due to me previously having a large backlog of Stolichnaya in its glorious original bottle.

Now, I’m a big fan of Stoli. The marketers among you may ask ‘why?’ ‘Is it our magnificent alpha grade spirit?’ I’m afraid not, there are far better vodkas coming out of Scandinavia and even France, which as a proud Englishman I find hard to announce. I love Stolichnaya simply for its tradition. Its history. You as a company were focused on the future, with the creation of those flavoured vodkas I don’t care to drink, but aesthetically stuck with the past. Refusing to change the bottle design since the 1930s.

What happened? People, like myself, drink Stoli because it stands tall in proud resistance to the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989 and the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991. Pouring Stolichnaya from the previous bottle is like opening up a time capsule into a dangerous world of intrigue and mystery. It brings forward a level of quirkiness and nostalgia to any drinking occasion. It is easy to sit back in a reclining chair with a glass of Stolichnaya served neat at room temperature talking to friends and family about politics. Only to stop yourself in mid-sentence out of fear that they may report your complaints to the NKVD, and you’ll be sent to some horrific gulag in Siberia. Where you’ll be eaten alive by mosquitos in the summer and lose your testicles due to the freezing cold in the winter.

Now is it fair to say the new bottle butchers this? No. I don’t think that would be a fair assessment. Though this change of bottle design is the first link in the chain that is yet to be forged. The bottle has been redesigned today. What next? The removal of Hotel Moskva from the label? Or the altering of the original recipe? You have entered into a slippery slope of marketing and modernisation. The façade of trying to appear young and new when your product is distinguished and old.

This bottle redesign is vulgar, with the gold border on the letters, the two reminders that it was established in 1938 and the overall change in shape to the bottle. The neck of the original bottle featured a soft arching curve more similar to a wine bottle than a vodka bottle. This played both as a statement to the quality of the contents inside and caught the eye of the consumer. The new bottle looks like every other vodka on the market from Smirnoff to the Russian Standard. It is no longer unique. The removal of the neck label is also a travesty. A travesty which even I don’t have the strength to complain about. Why does it have to be made clear on the top of the new lid that this is “The Original Stolichnaya”? Doesn’t the original have the advantage of not having to say it is the original?

Now what do I expect you to do with my complaint? In all honesty I think it is likely that it will be printed out only so it can be shredded. It is clear that even if you agree with my opinion on the bottle redesign that too much money has been invested in this change for you to go back to the previous. Though saying this I am sure my opinion could be changed if you were to send me two or three complimentary bottles of “The Original” Stolichnaya or maybe a complimentary bottle of the “100 proof” Stoli. That would really help me transition to this new bottle.

Many Thanks and Best Wishes,
Yours Sincerely,
Herman

I was once told by a mentor of mine that God loves a tryer. I'll keep you all updated if I receive a response to this frivolous letter.
Major Strasser: What is your nationality?
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.

User avatar
Mr. Viking
Hooching Like Hemingway
Hooching Like Hemingway
Posts: 3939
Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2011 7:23 am
Location: Norris Green

Re: My letter of complaint regarding the new Stolichnaya bot

Post by Mr. Viking » Thu Mar 03, 2016 3:19 pm

well I'm not buying that again. I only bought it because it looked like a wine bottle
"I spent all of my money on cars, women and booze, the rest of it I squandered" G. Best

User avatar
TheDrunkardAnglo
Lord of Benders
Lord of Benders
Posts: 211
Joined: Sun Apr 26, 2015 9:00 am
Location: In that really rough dive bar that bloke told me not to go into

Re: My letter of complaint regarding the new Stolichnaya bot

Post by TheDrunkardAnglo » Thu Mar 03, 2016 7:17 pm

Mr. Viking wrote:well I'm not buying that again. I only bought it because it looked like a wine bottle
Thank you for helping me look even more petty.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlysYT5HCME
Major Strasser: What is your nationality?
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.

User avatar
mistah willies
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 6388
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 9:48 pm
Location: A ship upon the vast ocean of the Mighty MDM
Contact:

Re: My letter of complaint regarding the new Stolichnaya bot

Post by mistah willies » Sat Mar 05, 2016 7:56 am

Whenever I've seen those bottles in movies, they are usually being held by Russian soldiers of almost any and every era. They are iconic. They don't even need a label. To change such an icon is the death of the romantic period, all over again.

Damn.

Sellouts

User avatar
peetie44
Juicing Like Jackie
Juicing Like Jackie
Posts: 10390
Joined: Sun Mar 16, 2008 3:05 am
Location: Belgium, Austin TX, SoCal, Branson MO, Cape Cod MA

Re: My letter of complaint regarding the new Stolichnaya bot

Post by peetie44 » Sun Mar 06, 2016 12:56 pm

Upon reading the linked article, it appears the tides of change(back) conspire against you, my friend.

http://www.thedrinksreport.com/news/201 ... ottle.html

I still mourn the change from the original Mickey's Big Mouth packaging, with its finger-slicer pull-tab.

http://www.beeradvocate.com/community/t ... 914/page-2

"The large size pull tab was quite sharp, and if you were the least bit intoxicated or clumsy, cutting your hand or fingers was very, very common. I'm fairly sure that the latter problem is what lead to the switchover to the current screwtop device."
"Man i once bought $101 worth of insect candy because it was free shipping on orders over 100 bucks." -- ThirstyDrunk

"I wanted a shark high on crack dumped into a piranha tank! I wanted college AD's to pull their human faces off, then dive at each other's lizard throats!" -- waahoohah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q01p7k6T ... e=youtu.be

User avatar
TheDrunkardAnglo
Lord of Benders
Lord of Benders
Posts: 211
Joined: Sun Apr 26, 2015 9:00 am
Location: In that really rough dive bar that bloke told me not to go into

Re: My letter of complaint regarding the new Stolichnaya bot

Post by TheDrunkardAnglo » Mon Mar 07, 2016 12:32 am

Public safety is no reason to change. Bloody marketers. Who do they think they are?

Spineless pen pushing tee-totaling bastards!

If it were up to me you would still risk cutting your hand as you drink a nice cold refreshing beer.
Major Strasser: What is your nationality?
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.

User avatar
Frankennietzsche
Juicing Like Jackie
Juicing Like Jackie
Posts: 12352
Joined: Mon Mar 17, 2003 9:13 pm
Location: Master of the Meatloaf Winds
Contact:

Re: My letter of complaint regarding the new Stolichnaya bot

Post by Frankennietzsche » Fri Mar 11, 2016 10:47 pm

You vodka-swilling, retrogressive neo-Stalinistic fellow travelling sumsabitches! You will accept and love the new bottle in the name of progress!

Immer weiter!
“Süßen witwe Mutter-Hosen — kommst du hier mit mein knackenpfeife schnell, oder Ich zeige Ihnen mein Zuhälter Hand!”

"I am going to pistol-whip the next person who says 'shenanigans' "

"Rectum? It nearly killed him!"

User avatar
mistah willies
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 6388
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 9:48 pm
Location: A ship upon the vast ocean of the Mighty MDM
Contact:

Re: My letter of complaint regarding the new Stolichnaya bot

Post by mistah willies » Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:34 pm

Thank goodness that Russian Vodka was not colored pinko.

User avatar
oettinger
Ripped Like Reed
Ripped Like Reed
Posts: 9665
Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2013 10:23 am

Re: My letter of complaint regarding the new Stolichnaya bot

Post by oettinger » Sun Mar 13, 2016 8:42 am

mistah willies wrote:Thank goodness that Russian Vodka was not colored pinko.
When you throw up blood in your own drink it actually is.
I do not remember posting that ^^^
Image

User avatar
Tarcek
Super Drunkard
Super Drunkard
Posts: 136
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:18 pm
Location: Australia

Re: My letter of complaint regarding the new Stolichnaya bot

Post by Tarcek » Thu Mar 17, 2016 11:33 pm

Wait, they changed the bottle? When? To what? Show me, good sir!
It was the same when i went re-stocking last week :/

User avatar
TheDrunkardAnglo
Lord of Benders
Lord of Benders
Posts: 211
Joined: Sun Apr 26, 2015 9:00 am
Location: In that really rough dive bar that bloke told me not to go into

Re: My letter of complaint regarding the new Stolichnaya bot

Post by TheDrunkardAnglo » Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:18 am

Image

This is the new bottle
Major Strasser: What is your nationality?
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.

User avatar
Badfellow
Ripped Like Reed
Ripped Like Reed
Posts: 8220
Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2005 3:05 pm
Location: Inside the Ethyl Molecule

Re: My letter of complaint regarding the new Stolichnaya bot

Post by Badfellow » Mon Mar 21, 2016 5:45 pm

"MADE WITH CERTIFIED ALPHA GRADE SPIRIT"

That makes it sound like Putin may have thrown a few of his cloned, shirtless super soldiers into the still.
ພາສາລາວNONE GENUINE WITHOUT MY SIGNATUREພາສາລາວ

User avatar
Tarcek
Super Drunkard
Super Drunkard
Posts: 136
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:18 pm
Location: Australia

Re: My letter of complaint regarding the new Stolichnaya bot

Post by Tarcek » Tue Mar 22, 2016 2:59 am

TheDrunkardAnglo wrote:Image

This is the new bottle
Ah, i've seen it with my own eyes now. Inebriate blur-o-vision made it hard to even notice the difference in the picture, but as i was re-stocking my rum supply i went around to the vodka's, and... i see what they've done.

They're trying to look more modern, but in doing so they've sacrificed one of their most aesthetically pleasing elements, the rustic throwback to a crude era~ It's a damn shame.

Post Reply