Musings on a Drunkard Brewery

[Badfellow]

Beer is the cornerstone of daily drink for many millions throughout the modern world. While wine is fine and liquor is certainly quicker, it is beer that remains the vast legion and eternal foot soldier in the unending war against the tyrannical scourge of the dry and temperate. So it has been for over four thousand years of recorded human history.

Beer is good. Beer is your friend.

Much as the scholar might revere a library or the monk their holy temple, the consummate imbiber would do well to hold the noble works of the brewery in their highest regards. What other industry on earth crafts a product so delicious? Or so magical and enlightening? From these hallowed grounds come our pale ales, our stouts and those refreshing, white capped lagers of a golden Midas hue, bottles and kegs and can over can, billions upon billions of liters each year marching gloriously down our gullets toward victory.

Yes, for the average drinker, the brewery serves quite well. But what of the Modern Drunkard? And what of the beer to be brewed for them? It stands to reason that a superior caliber of drunk deserves a superior caliber of beer. But what kind of beer? That is the question.

As follows is a short list of beer styles that might be considered as possible candidates for “Drunkard Class” beverage classification under standard ethyl protocol:

*Malt Liquor- One thing that's missing from the Drunkard's arsenal is a high-quality malt liquor. I suppose that “high quality” and “malt liquor” might be a contradiction in terms, but that doesn't necessarily have to be the case. Malt liquor is essentially a lager style beer made to a higher gravity or resulting alcohol content. A brewer would simply have to give a shit and take their time to produce a good one, and the end product wouldn't have to be an expensive or pretentious affair. 40 oz. bottles and larger take advantage of packaging economy whereby cost savings increase with the size of the container used (larger bottles = less expensive). However, a 40oz. or perhaps a 64 oz. growler are about as large as one can get in a bottle while still being be practical for casual carry.
The malt liquor itself should be gold colored, easy to drink, mildly sweet and lightly hopped with a strength of 7-8% alcohol by volume. Possible names include: Gold Devil, Tiger Eye, Fer de Lance and Thunder Malt Force 5.

*Stout- The definitive dark beer. If you can't enjoy a good pint of stout at least every now and then, there's probably something deeply, fundamentally wrong with you. A good stout should have the roasted flavors of chocolate and coffee without the harsh bitterness that can sometimes plague the darker malts. A good Drunkard Class stout should also have some balls to back it up (6.5% abv.), not like that namby-pamby Guinness drivel. Another thing... the key here is a 24 oz. tallboy can that allows a long, vigorous draft pour of nitrogenated beer. Anything smaller is piffle. Possible names are not important, but should sound as Irish as possible so as to jibe with the feel and quaint imagery of getting piss fucking drunk.

*Belgian Quadruple- I first fell in love with quadruple drinking La Trappe. In 1997, I went to Tilburg in Holland, and I drank oak aged nectar from the cellars with cheese and bread likewise made by the Trappist brothers. That experience will remain with me for the rest of my life.
As for the beer, quadruple is a heavy style of ale that is comparable to an English barleywine but with a Belgianesque spin. The La Trappe Quadruple comes out monstrously malty with flavors of toffee, raisins and oak, and will decidedly command your respect at an ample 10% abv. Drunkard Class Quadruple will need to push at least 12% abv and will come packaged in a foiled champagne magnum with an oversized crazy straw attached to the bottle. Wicked loony fun, my friends!

*Session Beer – A lighter style of blond ale or European lager intended for daily imbibing in prodigious amounts, especially in place of water or during those hangover days when you're groaning in the shower and holding a can of something cold against your forehead. Admittedly, 4% alcohol sounds gutless and ineffectual, and yet there will be times when it is most welcome. 12 oz. cans will be distributed in WWII quantities (VICTORY THROUGH DRINK!) with reserve cases made available to all standing Drunkard forces. Taps will be installed every 50 ft. along all major corridors of Drunkard Command HQ and the adjacent recreational facilities.


Surely, more Drunkard Class beers await approval by the board?
Or I guess none of you drink beer?

[oettinger]

What about Eisbock?

Also, shouldn`t that be Thunder Malt Force "7" ?

In which category does Elephant Beer fall?

[Badfellow]

I love a good eisbock, but they're difficult to find outside of Germany. Guess I'll have to brew one. I requested a technical article from Doemens Academy on brewing traditional eisbock beer, but I guess the basic principle is to bring the beer to near freezing once its fermented (alcohol having a lower freezing point than water).

Elephant is considered a malt liquor here, and you are one if you're able to drink that shit without developing an ulcer. Have you heard of Schorschbräu? Apparently it holds the current world record for strongest beer at 57% alcohol by volume. Drinkable, yes. But is it really a "beer" at that point?

[oettinger]

As far as my quick search of now takes me, they were in a rat race with the scotish Brewdog brewery for strongest beer in the world.
Still have to find out if you can still call it beer by definition.

[Patchez]

Barleywines and porters get my vote.

Porters are just so fucking versatile with all the adjunct additions of todays craft brewers. Yet it still has a ton of variances in your standard porter, from thin and dark beer to the near stout thick and chewy.

Barley wines are well, frankly more bang for your buck weighing in at 12 to 18% ABV they just get the job done. Think fancy malt liquor only a touch sweeter and boozy as hell.

[Frankennietzsche]

Make sure that the name is a witty double entendre or innuendo...something having to do with the smoking of the marijuana cigarettes or coitus, or both and hops.