What to do when you're dealt suck-ass booze

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Badfellow
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What to do when you're dealt suck-ass booze

Post by Badfellow »

Salutations, fellow Drunkards.
Badfellow here...

I had intended to do a booze review on a new rye whiskey I ran across produced under the name J. Carver Spirits (Lake Country Libare Distilling, LLC). New booze always excites me, but the classy cut of the label and it's lovely amber color were what really hooked me into spending $33.79 on an otherwise unknown fifth of liquor.

However, there's a problem.

Upon lifting the cork and taking a nip from the bottle, I discovered a taste akin to donkey swill and insect repellent after having been filtered through the socks of a geriatric hobo with a bad case of jungle rot. The raw burn of the untempered 48% alcohol content is quite welcome in helping to wash the garbage from your tongue. The official tasting notes are "floor polish, horse-shit and suicide", and it scored 98 out of 100 points on the Fuck You Index.


So what's the problem J. Carver?
Did mom buy you a column still for Christmas and you forgot to read the directions?

The fault is partially mine. Had I done a bit of closer reading myself, I would have caught the fine print on the back indicating that it has been barreled to the ripe old age of 10 months (ie. just enough to give it color).

Oh, and here's the other kicker. Upon the neck tag, their "distilling experts" proudly proclaim to use a mash of 70% rye and 30% corn. Perhaps one night the owner drank a few too many overly hopped IPAs and said "I'm gonna make the most ryeistist whiskey in the world!" Or perhaps again they forgot to read the directions, considering even a kindergarten distiller knows throwing that much mash into the rye is going to turn out a liquor that tastes like unwashed ass. Just sayin'.


So then, what's my recourse while three-fourths of the bottle sits unconsumed?

Dump it down the drain? Mix it with cyanide and take my punishment?
No on both accounts.

I believe the best course of action would be to make an appointment and visit the distillery personally with the remaining bottle of trash in hand, and then sit down to compare tasting notes. If the distiller can take a long swig with and tell me with a straight face that he makes a fine product, I'll have to go Donkey Kong on that bitch and beat him with his own barrels. A letter simply wouldn't get the point across. This will require a visit.


------------------------------------

Bottom line, I suppose. Don't tolerate suck-ass booze.
The responsibility is yours! Power to the Drunkard!
Last edited by Badfellow on Tue May 31, 2016 3:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: What to do when you're dealt suck-ass booze

Post by Mr. Viking »

that or leave it at the back of the cabinet, plotting some form of revenge before finding the dusty bottle a year later and drinking it with stooped shoulders having run out of better altenatives
"I spent all of my money on cars, women and booze, the rest of it I squandered" G. Best

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Re: What to do when you're dealt suck-ass booze

Post by Badfellow »

Mr. Viking wrote:that or leave it at the back of the cabinet, plotting some form of revenge before finding the dusty bottle a year later and drinking it with stooped shoulders having run out of better altenatives
There is always that. Stooped shoulders, slugging down that swill out in the pouring rain like a broken bum. I admit, it has a certain appeal.
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Re: What to do when you're dealt suck-ass booze

Post by drunkin' Wisconsinite »

Likely a waste of sweet vermouth but perhaps try it over rocks in a Manhattan?

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Re: What to do when you're dealt suck-ass booze

Post by GraveyardShiftChuck »

How many winos are outside your neighborhood liquor store? On your next trip there, just put the bottle down where they're at and get back in your car or truck and drive away before they take a swig.
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Re: What to do when you're dealt suck-ass booze

Post by Badfellow »

drunkin' Wisconsinite wrote:Likely a waste of sweet vermouth but perhaps try it over rocks in a Manhattan?
Funny enough, I did try that as a last ditch effort.
And it did taste like a "Manhattan" of sorts, or more specifically like licking the floors of Grand Central Station.


I'm telling you people, this is what Hitler gets served in hell while the devil is shoving a pineapple up his annexed region.
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Re: What to do when you're dealt suck-ass booze

Post by Patchez »

The only thing to do is have as many people as you can find that have tried this abomination and round 'em up. Go henceforth to the distiller and stage an.... intervention.(gasp)


No not the douche kind we all avoid, the kind where you try to make him a better distiller.

Failing that use the remainder to Molotov the joint to save humanity.
Now you're ready for some anti-dry-otics!-BeerMakesMeSmarter

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Re: What to do when you're dealt suck-ass booze

Post by Tarcek »

I have a bottle of Ketel One and El Jimador in the garage. I fucking hate both of them, they don't deserve to be in my liquor cabinet.
BUT, they're also my emergency liquor supply. I'm tempted to try and barter them.

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Re: What to do when you're dealt suck-ass booze

Post by peetie44 »

Hang onto it for emergencies...because some night, after last call but before you're ready to quit drinking, that J. Carver rye (granted, maybe mixed with a lotta cola) is gonna start tasting REAL good.
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Re: What to do when you're dealt suck-ass booze

Post by oettinger »

Use it for furniture polish, windshield wiper fluid, insecticide etc.
Instead of the letter I`d suggest you buy the shitties of the shitty rye you can find that still tastes better. Fill both in label less bottles and sent them these in a package. They need to find out wich one is their product.

Personally, on two different occasions I had cases of well known beer brands taste like a dead dog was swimming in their kettles for months
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Badfellow
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Re: What to do when you're dealt suck-ass booze

Post by Badfellow »

peetie44 wrote:Hang onto it for emergencies...because some night, after last call but before you're ready to quit drinking, that J. Carver rye (granted, maybe mixed with a lotta cola) is gonna start tasting REAL good.
You never know... some night you may be in Branson, MO, and you will run into a man in a dark alley with a bottle of J. Carver Rye in his hand, and then you will know a horror that is beyond any Malört you have ever experienced.
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Re: What to do when you're dealt suck-ass booze

Post by Mr. Viking »

you could use it as a pipe sweetener
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Re: What to do when you're dealt suck-ass booze

Post by peetie44 »

Badfellow wrote:
peetie44 wrote:Hang onto it for emergencies...because some night, after last call but before you're ready to quit drinking, that J. Carver rye (granted, maybe mixed with a lotta cola) is gonna start tasting REAL good.
You never know... some night you may be in Branson, MO, and you will run into a man in a dark alley with a bottle of J. Carver Rye in his hand, and then you will know a horror that is beyond any Malört you have ever experienced.
So it's not really that bad, eh?
"Man i once bought $101 worth of insect candy because it was free shipping on orders over 100 bucks." -- ThirstyDrunk

"I wanted a shark high on crack dumped into a piranha tank! I wanted college AD's to pull their human faces off, then dive at each other's lizard throats!" -- waahoohah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q01p7k6T ... e=youtu.be

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Re: What to do when you're dealt suck-ass booze

Post by Mr. Viking »

Tarcek wrote:I have a bottle of Ketel One and El Jimador in the garage. I fucking hate both of them, they don't deserve to be in my liquor cabinet.
BUT, they're also my emergency liquor supply. I'm tempted to try and barter them.
I lived with a guy who thought that Ketel one was sex on wheels. I can get his address if you want to send a letter to start haggling
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Re: What to do when you're dealt suck-ass booze

Post by shawnonious »

....
Last edited by shawnonious on Tue Dec 07, 2021 11:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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