The Art of On-the-Job Drinking (to be continued...)

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Rye and Coke
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The Art of On-the-Job Drinking (to be continued...)

Post by Rye and Coke »

Or: National Lampoons Christmas Drunkard!

Wednesday, Dec. 18, 2019, a week before Christmas
The holidays are in the rear view, as is the around-the-clock, drunken delirium that can go along with it. One of the speed bumps in our annual trip through wide-eyed and opened mouth ecstasy is, unfortunately, employment.

"Goddamnit, what a bummer."

If you're lucky enough to be a teacher, a cop, an ad guy, or -- as in my case -- a journalist, alcohol will not only be readily available to you, but often times present at your work place. When you're in the business of stress, it is what it is.

At every desk, in every office, in every classroom, when you reach your fuck-it level, there's a button you smash with a closed fist, and booze shoots out at you with the force of a Birmingham, Alabama fire hose. Cheers motherfucker.

This was the case with me.

Four Five, Alexandria, Va. Coffee shop - Tito's vodka & soda
There's this weird coffee spot that built out a space in my building. It's all hipster, vegan and yech. They have super strong coffee and breakfast sandwiches that I'm dying to try for hangover reasons, but what most intrigued me was their Open Houses where they invited the entire building down for freebees.

My office, four individuals strong, showed up before everyone else. I was hungover and my coworker, Stella, was high on everything and looking to take the edge off. Everyone else went for the free coffee and food, I zeroed in what I spied as Tito's Vodka behind the bar. "Are...are those free for drinks?" I asked. They looked at me like, "yeah, of course," but their body language led me to believe they were hoping no one noticed. I got a Tito's and soda and Stella (Who's a goddamn professional!) got a double straight, because we're not children.

At 9 in the morning, this was how we started our day.

It was at lunch that we played Secret Santa. It's a game that I hate, but a game that always lands me a couple of bottles of whiskey because my coworkers know me. There something to say about being honest about yourself. Sure, I could've presented myself as a square; someone who wakes up early, goes to work, takes my children to the park and goes to church every Sunday. I could've said I enjoy the company of the socially buoyant, bland and bourgeoisie. I could've said that. But no, I chose instead to be honest and tell them that I enjoy going to dark bars and hanging with degenerates because, at my core, I know I am one. I tell them about the times I went to happy hour and awoke the next day, on a bus bench, in a different state.

I tell them this in all honesty and, above all, with full-chested fearlessness. So for Secret Santa this year, I got a fifth of Bulleit Bourbon.


Lunch time, Office - 2 Bulleit Bourbons

Soooo, it's going to be a no-work workday is it? Fortunately for me, I got this. (I'm a goddamn professional!)

Everything that I needed to get done for the day had already been folded up and put away, crossed off my To-Do List so that no manager or stool pigeon could say "boo." I cracked that bottle open within a second of it touching my hand. The first drink was for the release from responsibility. It is the exhalation that comes from holding one's breath over the course of a mind numbing trudge through the Swamp of Sadness that is the 5-day workweek. The second Bourbon was the 'fuck you' to anyone who thinks any human should be happy to live in such a way.

Stella, who is also one of us, received 3 six-packs of very fine craft beers, one of which was Troegs Mad Elf Ale. I begged her to crack her's open. She refused. I looked at her and shook my head in disgust. Apparently, Stella wasn't one of us after all.

Off to Happy Hour!!

Joe Theismann's Restaurant - 3 Bulleit Rye Manhattans

We cut out early and headed to the bar that is directly under our office. It's called Joe Theismann's and is named after the famed Washington Redskin quarterback who led our area to a Super Bowl XVII championship win in 1982. I'm not sure if he owns the restaurant or has ever owned it, all we know is that it has a great bar.

Of course, we frequent it a lot and at this point they, along with the Tequila bar across the street, should know us each by our name.

We find a table and begin ordering drinks. I keep the Bulleit train going and down three Bulleit Rye Manhattans over the course of the evening. I told everyone something extremely personal and sexual about myself and Stella was approached by an 80-year-old Sugar Daddy, who had become smitten by her and began to buy her drinks.

We get back the office, but...at this point, fuck it. Just fuck it. It's Christmas, I'm pissed, you're pissed, WE'RE ALL PISSED!!! Let's keep drinking.

Office, After Happy Hour - 1 Bulleit Bourbon, 1 Shiner Bock beer and whatever we could find...

The rest of the night is pretty much a blur, I know I got home -- BY TRAIN, I DID NOT DRIVE -- and I know I made it safe. The following week was Christmas, and I'm sure you all know what happened then... most of you were a part of it by way of Skype (right?). All I know is this day sparked a 2 week bender that saw me drunkenly offend my sister-in-law, pass out at my in-laws house while everyone else ate Christmas dinner, totally forget my own parents for their Christmas party and head into New Year's, riding the wave of Rye Whiskey on "nothing but bare feet and faith."

2019, what a year....
"I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why." - Redd Foxx

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Re: The Art of On-the-Job Drinking (to be continued...)

Post by oettinger »

Rye and Coke wrote:
Sat Jan 25, 2020 6:10 pm
Or: National Lampoons Christmas Drunkard!

Wednesday, Dec. 18, 2019, a week before Christmas
The holidays are in the rear view, as is the around-the-clock, drunken delirium that can go along with it. One of the speed bumps in our annual trip through wide-eyed and opened mouth ecstasy is, unfortunately, employment.

"Goddamnit, what a bummer."

If you're lucky enough to be a teacher, a cop, an ad guy, or -- as in my case -- a journalist, alcohol will not only be readily available to you, but often times present at your work place. When you're in the business of stress, it is what it is.

At every desk, in every office, in every classroom, when you reach your fuck-it level, there's a button you smash with a closed fist, and booze shoots out at you with the force of a Birmingham, Alabama fire hose. Cheers motherfucker.

This was the case with me.

Four Five, Alexandria, Va. Coffee shop - Tito's vodka & soda
There's this weird coffee spot that built out a space in my building. It's all hipster, vegan and yech. They have super strong coffee and breakfast sandwiches that I'm dying to try for hangover reasons, but what most intrigued me was their Open Houses where they invited the entire building down for freebees.

My office, four individuals strong, showed up before everyone else. I was hungover and my coworker, Stella, was high on everything and looking to take the edge off. Everyone else went for the free coffee and food, I zeroed in what I spied as Tito's Vodka behind the bar. "Are...are those free for drinks?" I asked. They looked at me like, "yeah, of course," but their body language led me to believe they were hoping no one noticed. I got a Tito's and soda and Stella (Who's a goddamn professional!) got a double straight, because we're not children.

At 9 in the morning, this was how we started our day.

It was at lunch that we played Secret Santa. It's a game that I hate, but a game that always lands me a couple of bottles of whiskey because my coworkers know me. There something to say about being honest about yourself. Sure, I could've presented myself as a square; someone who wakes up early, goes to work, takes my children to the park and goes to church every Sunday. I could've said I enjoy the company of the socially buoyant, bland and bourgeoisie. I could've said that. But no, I chose instead to be honest and tell them that I enjoy going to dark bars and hanging with degenerates because, at my core, I know I am one. I tell them about the times I went to happy hour and awoke the next day, on a bus bench, in a different state.

I tell them this in all honesty and, above all, with full-chested fearlessness. So for Secret Santa this year, I got a fifth of Bulleit Bourbon.


Lunch time, Office - 2 Bulleit Bourbons

Soooo, it's going to be a no-work workday is it? Fortunately for me, I got this. (I'm a goddamn professional!)

Everything that I needed to get done for the day had already been folded up and put away, crossed off my To-Do List so that no manager or stool pigeon could say "boo." I cracked that bottle open within a second of it touching my hand. The first drink was for the release from responsibility. It is the exhalation that comes from holding one's breath over the course of a mind numbing trudge through the Swamp of Sadness that is the 5-day workweek. The second Bourbon was the 'fuck you' to anyone who thinks any human should be happy to live in such a way.

Stella, who is also one of us, received 3 six-packs of very fine craft beers, one of which was Troegs Mad Elf Ale. I begged her to crack her's open. She refused. I looked at her and shook my head in disgust. Apparently, Stella wasn't one of us after all.

Off to Happy Hour!!

Joe Theismann's Restaurant - 3 Bulleit Rye Manhattans

We cut out early and headed to the bar that is directly under our office. It's called Joe Theismann's and is named after the famed Washington Redskin quarterback who led our area to a Super Bowl XVII championship win in 1982. I'm not sure if he owns the restaurant or has ever owned it, all we know is that it has a great bar.

Of course, we frequent it a lot and at this point they, along with the Tequila bar across the street, should know us each by our name.

We find a table and begin ordering drinks. I keep the Bulleit train going and down three Bulleit Rye Manhattans over the course of the evening. I told everyone something extremely personal and sexual about myself and Stella was approached by an 80-year-old Sugar Daddy, who had become smitten by her and began to buy her drinks.

We get back the office, but...at this point, fuck it. Just fuck it. It's Christmas, I'm pissed, you're pissed, WE'RE ALL PISSED!!! Let's keep drinking.

Office, After Happy Hour - 1 Bulleit Bourbon, 1 Shiner Bock beer and whatever we could find...

The rest of the night is pretty much a blur, I know I got home -- BY TRAIN, I DID NOT DRIVE -- and I know I made it safe. The following week was Christmas, and I'm sure you all know what happened then... most of you were a part of it by way of Skype (right?). All I know is this day sparked a 2 week bender that saw me drunkenly offend my sister-in-law, pass out at my in-laws house while everyone else ate Christmas dinner, totally forget my own parents for their Christmas party and head into New Year's, riding the wave of Rye Whiskey on "nothing but bare feet and faith."

2019, what a year....
Just wow, so many quotables. Here`s some fine ones:
"Swamp of Sadness that is the 5-day workweek" yikes so true
"I begged her to crack her's open" yes, it`s a sportsbra, they pop
" I told everyone something extremely personal and sexual" ehhhh why but why
"me drunkenly offend my sister-in-law" if you ever need someone to step in, I`m free on christmas
Drinking heavily is a basic instinct
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Rye and Coke
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Re: The Art of On-the-Job Drinking (to be continued...)

Post by Rye and Coke »

I am both ashamed and proud that I wrote all this tldr horseshit....

My only hope is that someone else adds to this with their own stories of drinking on the job
"I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why." - Redd Foxx

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Artful Drunktective
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Re: The Art of On-the-Job Drinking (to be continued...)

Post by Artful Drunktective »

Rye and Coke wrote:
Sat Jan 25, 2020 6:10 pm
I told everyone something extremely personal and sexual about myself
oettinger wrote:
Sat Jan 25, 2020 7:52 pm
" I told everyone something extremely personal and sexual" ehhhh why but why
Yeah really! Especially when you could have told US all these sordid things!

Marvelous BTW. Really enjoyed reading this. I could envision it all in my mind as it played out. The Good, the Bad, AND the Ugly.
"Something's got to be done. We can't go on like this.
I must have some booze".


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Re: The Art of On-the-Job Drinking (to be continued...)

Post by Artful Drunktective »

Rye and Coke wrote:
Sat Jan 25, 2020 6:10 pm
All I know is this day sparked a 2 week bender that saw me drunkenly offend my sister-in-law,
oettinger wrote:
Sat Jan 25, 2020 7:52 pm
"me drunkenly offend my sister-in-law" if you ever need someone to step in", I`m free on christmas
Yes oettinger can be rented for holiday parties, funerals, work functions, weddings, first communions, baby showers...wherever you need an "offense". Pretty much anything but bar mitzvahs. You really don't want that.
"Something's got to be done. We can't go on like this.
I must have some booze".


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Re: The Art of On-the-Job Drinking (to be continued...)

Post by Badfellow »

First and foremost, fine article.

Secondly (and this is toward Oettinger, as an editor and moderator of sorts)...

YOU DON'T NEED TO QUOTE THE ENTIRE FUCKING ARTICLE!!!



There was not a third point, beyond the fine sands of the Blackout Beach Resort... where the grains of time slip through the hour glass like the days of our lives... and the days of our lives are measured by the nights we narily, warily forget.
ພາສາລາວNONE GENUINE WITHOUT MY SIGNATUREພາສາລາວ

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