Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health

[Thompson]

Dix took the hijacked number 11 city bus to Otto’s Seed and Feed. Otto sold a few seed and feed items, not many, because his real profession was souping up cars and trucks in his secret garage. He also did some body work. Otto was an outlaw. Yes, he told Dix, I can soup this fucker up to roar down the road. It’s gonna cost ya though, and I don’t do rush jobs. I take my sweet time and do it right. If I were you I would disguise the bus as a food truck. Nobody pays much attention to a food truck up here in Alaska.

Let me talk to Thompson, said Dix, he’s in charge of disguises. I want this baby to really scoot. Money is not a concern. I belong to a gang, you see.

Okay, said Otto, pull this baby back by the garage. Do you have a phone number or a way to get in touch?

You know the bowling alley? The Frozen Lips Bowling Lanes?

Yes! Man oh man, I go there all the time in hopes of seeing the four sisters bowl. I don’t have any socks left to tell you the truth.

Well, said Dix, you can relay any messages through them. Just use the code word Ladybug before you relay, and I will get the word. Here’s a couple grand for a retainer.

Okay, said Otto, fair enough. Want me to make the bus look like a food truck? I would.

Yes, said Dix, that is a good idea. But the food truck has to scoot, I mean really scoot.

Otto smiled. It’ll scoot.

[Thompson]

Thompson made a weird noise and Badfellow looked up from under his rug and said, are you okay?

I think so, said Thompson, but I can’t see. Everything is dark.

That’s because it’s the middle of the night and all the lights are off.

Oh.

How many beers we got left in the fridge?

Some. I’ll go fetch us a couple.

You know, I was thinking, if we pull off the heist in Boxcar we are most probably going to have the Mob sniffing around.

Well, let ‘em sniff.

Right. I would like to know more about these Mob joints like Boxcar motel and swimming pool. They could be our bread and butter. We could rob the Mob.

Something to think about. There must be hundreds of Mob hideouts with safes and shit like that.

[Thompson]

Otto got to the Frozen Lips Bowling Lanes as soon as they opened. He had figured out that the 4 sisters liked to do their bowling practice right after breakfast. He had stopped at the Alaskan Walmart to buy two pairs of socks. He figured (or was hoping) that one of the pairs of socks would be knocked off before the girls finished their bowling practice.

Ladybug, Otto whispered.

Who, said Meenie?

Ladybug, he said a little louder. He was sorta nervous around these female specimens and he looked at his fingernails then stuck his hands into his back pockets.

Oh, said Meenie, you got a message for Dix?

Yes ma’am, said Otto. Tell him the food truck is ready to roll. I found a cool hot dog machine where the dogs go around in a circle and there’s a bun heater on top.

Will do Otto!

Otto blushed because all the sisters called him by name, all at once.

You all part of a gang too, said Otto?

We could be I guess. We’re strippers.

Otto almost passed out but managed to say, No shit?

[Thompson]

There was a lot of cooking going on in the flat. Hugh was tending to the breakfast steaks, Bug was stirring a marinara sauce, Nausea was doing some sort of mid east concoction that smelled terrific, and Oetts was hard at work on his juice. The juice was an explosive that opened safes. It was a very secret recipe. Downstairs, in the food truck, Dix was watching the hot dogs go around in a circle.

Badfellow and Thompson were studying the Boxcar motel and swimming pool map and surveillance notes.

Here’s how I figure it, said Badfellow. Hugh will go in first disguised as an unpublished poet and school teacher. He will appear absent minded and a little stoned and request a room by the pool. Then he will act like he’s looking for the men’s room and have a look see in the back office. In other words, he will scope things out. If things look wrong he will come out of the motel (still pretending to be looking for the men’s room) and give us the thumbs down sign. If not, he will give us the thumbs up sign. The girls will then go in if it’s the thumbs up sign and do their thing. They will be the diversion. We already know we don’t have to give the girls any instructions but they should all have catholic girl outfits on, with those long socks up to the knees, and showing a bit of thigh. And catholic school girl wigs. And talking and giggling and distracting the desk clerk and lobby dwellers. Then , a few minutes after the girls go in, Nausea will enter with his big fucking assault rifle and tell everyone to get down on the floor or else. He will shoot a few rounds into the wall for emphasis. Then you and I will come in and secure the safe room. We will have assault rifles too. Then Oetts will come in and blow the safe open. The girls will all be carrying big empty purses and we will put the money and other shit from the safe into the purses. Dix will be with the getaway food truck. Simple enough, huh Thompson?

Simple enough. We should load the Harley into the back of the food truck just in case. Also we should make it appear we are taking Hugh and the girls as hostages. You know, ‘Three armed robbers and a safe cracker fled the scene of a robbery with four catholic school girls as hostages plus a school teacher’ in case anybody sees us all getting into the food truck together.

[Thompson]

Otto read the lead story in the Frozen Lips Times. An armed robbery in Boxcar where four catholic girls were abducted. He paused at ‘four catholic girls’ and then went on to read an eyewitness had seen the getaway. Police questioned the eyewitness. What kind of vehicle was it, they said?

Jesus Christ, said the eyewitness, I saw the thing outside the motel and some shady characters boarding , but there is no way in hell I could tell you what it looked like or what it was. It took off so fast there was just no way. And it took off in my direction! I blinked my eyes and it was past me.

Good lord, said Otto to himself. It was Dix and that gang he belongs to. Why would they want to abduct four catholic girls? Then it hit him.

[Thompson]

The Gang was back in Frozen Lips in a medium mood. The heist had gone without a hitch but the take was not what Badfellow and the rest had figured. Bug had made clams and linguine for supper and was doing the dishes. Oetts got his guitar out and tuned it. He got it tuned and picked some, then he played some of the lonesomest and saddest songs the Gang had ever heard. He was a terrific lonesome and sad sinGer. Thompson played a soft and spare harmonica accompaniment because he isn’t all that good at harmonica playing. All the Gang sat on their rugs and joints were passed around and drinks refilled.

Okay, said Badfellow, we can’t always get what we want, but if we stick to it, if we try, we’ll get what we need.

Here, here, the Gang replied! The adrenaline was easing up and the clams and linguines were digesting. I’ll tell you what, said Meenie, that food truck can really scoot.

[Thompson]

Thompson went rummaging around in his bag for a semi clean handkerchief to blow his nose in. This is about the time he had the internal conversation with Lizard Brain.

What ya got there, Thompson, said Lizard Brain?

Well here it is, take a look at it.

It’s mushrooms, you idiot. Don’t tell me you don’t know what mushrooms look like.

I’d forgotten about it. Sorry. Never really got that high chewing mushrooms.

That’s because, said Lizard Brain, you never ate enough at one time. I want you to eat that whole bag right now while I sit at the kitchen table here and make sure you do it.

Okay. Alright .

[Thompson]

Thompson passed out. He woke up an hour later but didn’t know what time it was. This was before smart phones and all that, but even if it were, his smart phone would be dead. None of the outlets worked to charge it. If you tried to charge it you would get an electric shock. That will do it. This was all a dream of course but Thompson was tripping. Then he remembered that Meenie had gotten married to Otto. They drove all the way from Alaska to Las Vegas in a souped up Chevrolet. At the vows, Meenie said to Otto, When I heard those words, I’ll make her scoot, I knew I had found my man.

Thompson shook his head. This can’t be happening. This could break up the Gang! But then he thought, what did he thought? It was all coming so fast. He puked in his trash can, and that was a nice rush, so he hollered for the stripper girls to come to his rug straight away. They all came, Meenie didn’t get married, she wiped his forehead and took off his shirt which had purple puke on it.

Oh my god, Thompson, are you okay, said Meenie?

I don’t know. I’m going in and out. If I have a couple of beers I’ll be okay. Maybe. I’m happy you didn’t get married Meenie.

No, you read the dream wrong, me and Otto are engaged. Look see at this beautiful engagement ring.

Thompson would have passed out again but he was waiting for one of the girls to bring the couple of beers.

[Thompson]

Thompson drank the two beers and smoked four cigarettes and decided to have it out with Lizard Brain.

Where is the high, said Thompson to Lizard Brain, what is with all this to-do about mushrooms? I ate the whole fucking bag and felt maybe okay for about ten minutes. Then I just had the gas.

Okay, I’ll scratch mushrooms off the list. Here, have a go at this full fifth of Taaka. It’s in a glass bottle like you like.

Good. Is there any more reefer?

I’ll roll us a couple.

The papers are in the kitchen. Bring me two more beers while you are in there to go with the Taaka. How come we don’t have any hard drugs, like heroin?

I don’t know.

Do you think Otto could score us some heroin? I’ve heard Alaskan heroin is very clean.

Do you want to snort it or shoot it?

Do you know how to shoot it?

Sure, you just need a needle and a vein and you poke the vein with the needle and plunge in the heroin.

But don’t you have to heat it with a spoon first? What if you lose your spoon? Seems complicated. Let’s just snort it.

How much you want?

Well, a bagful should do. Maybe two bags.

We’ll ask Otto. He’s almost part of the family, what with his engagement to Meenie and all.

Yeah, maybe, I guess so.

[Thompson]

So you want one bag or two bags of heroin, said Otto?

Two bags, to be on the safe side, said Thompson.

You gonna snort it, not shoot it, right?

Right. I’m afraid of losing my spoon.

I’m in love with Meenie you know, and she loves me.

Well, I have to tell you Otto, she has been prancing around the flat and helping in the kitchen and smiling and being very bubbly and, I don’t know, she does seem to be in love.

I won’t let her quit the Gang, said Otto. She has her sisters to think about and the upcoming heists and all, and well, I just want to snuggle under her rug, I don’t want to be her boss.

I wouldn’t mind being your best man at the wedding, if’n you need a best man, said Thompson.

That’s mighty kind of ya, said Otto.

[Thompson]

Dix, how you feeling, said Badfellow? You look a bit down in the dumps.

Oh, I’m okay, said Dix. I get depressed, ain’t nothin’ new, the trick is to realize it’s not due to circumstances or slights by service people. You know, I have to laugh when I hear that phrase ‘How can I be of service’, when you can tell by the tone, and the diction, that you ain’t gonna get no service, these service people like to make you feel small. Never could figure that, if I made a person feel small I would feel small making him feel small. But some people, you can tell it by their phrasing, feel somehow big by making the other person feel small. That just doesn’t seem right. But that’s not why I feel depressed. In fact, I like the Gang a lot. Thompson kinda gives me the shivers because he’s so sickly looking, but I like the way he talks.

Here Dix, take a couple of these homemade speed tablets. I manufacture them using antihistamines and baking soda, said Badfellow.

I guess I miss my dog, said Dix.

Well fuck, said Badfellow, Let’s take this here souped up food truck and go down and get him! Road trips are good for the soul and besides that we can do some serious thinking and planning for our next caper.

We might miss the wedding.

So what?

Right. Let me pack a pair of socks and a couple clean pairs of drawers. I’m a good driver, you know.

Yes, I know.

[Thompson]

What kind a dog you got Dix, said Badfellow?

I was just thinking about dogs, said Dix. Do you think they have a collective unconscious? They have to be dreaming about something. I don’t think that existentialism stuff applies to dogs. They are not dreaming about what happened yesterday. I got a pitt bull dog. A street dog.

Is he mean?

No, not when he’s awake, but when he dreams he can get mean. He will make this low growl that is very scary, and this low bark.

The Gang can use a mean dog. Does he look mean?

Oh yes, he looks mean. He gives you the shark eye.

Does he bite?

He can bite a bone for sure. He’s got these pearl white super sharp teeth and the back ones are very powerful.

You don’t fight him in the ring do ya?

Naw. I thought about it. He’s not that aggressive. He would rather eat a scrambled egg.

[Thompson]

Where is his collar, said Badfellow?

Probly under the house buried with his other ones. I can’t get under there to have a look see, said Dix.

Does he have a dog tag?

No, the vet wouldn’t give him a dog tag. Said he didn’t want to be liable.

He smells good. Good god is he big. How much you guess he weighs?

I would say close to a hundred, but that’s just a guess. I can bench press a hundred, but you don’t want to bench press a pit bull. He likes you Badfellow, he’s sniffing your butt again. When he wags his tail rapidly that’s when you know he likes you.

He’s licking my face. His breath is pleasant enough. I say we keep him as the Gang Dog. We can get a fake tag easy. Does he ride in a car good? We can’t have a dog who is a scared to ride in the souped up food truck.

I don’t know. When the food truck was the number 11 city bus, I never tested him.

He doesn’t seem like he’s afraid a nothin’.

No, he don’t. Now don’t call him Mr Big or mention his size, he’s sensitive about that.

Okay. Gang Dog is good?

Yeah, look, he’s wagging his tail.

[Thompson]

Let’s test him, said Badfellow. You got a rope?

Yeah, I do, come to think of it. It’s a Gunsmoke rope I won in a pistol shooting contest, said Dix.

Okay, tie the rope around his neck. Jesus, his neck is as big as my leg, no, bigger. Let’s drive at full speed for a couple of miles and see how Gang Dog reacts.

Should I roll the window down in the food truck, said Dix?

No, you drive, I will roll the window down.

Good lord, said Dix, his head is all the way out the window. It looks like he’s signaling for a right turn. He doesn’t seem to be afraid at all.

No, he sure don’t. Where’d you get this dog, Dix, said Badfellow?

I found him at the 7 - 11 eating out the dumpster. He gave me the shark eye but was waggling his tail so I took him home.

You trained him?

Fuck no, you can’t train a dog like that. He’s a street dog, he trained himself.

Say, since we’re in the neighborhood let’s stop into Hugh’s Diner for a steak breakfast. We’ll order three steak breakfasts. What does Gang Dog prefer, the home style fried potatoes or the grits?

He’s partial to the grits.

[Thompson]

Nausea was beside himself after his first heist with the Gang. He was in love with his assault rifle. Badfellow, he said, can I keep my rifle under my rug? I’ve scratched my initials in the handle.

You can, said Badfellow, but you can’t have any bullets in it. The reason for that is you might have a dark dream and shoot Gang Dog by mistake or shoot up the food truck. Plus it’s much easier to clean if it’s not loaded. You did an excellent job at the Boxcar motel and swimming pool. The Eskimo stripper girls were very impressed, especially when you shot the wall with a couple of rounds to show we mean business. And when you said ‘Everybody down on the floor’ you said it like a seasoned gangster.

Thanks, said Nausea, I was terribly nervous at first.

Well, you did a good job, and we are all proud to have you in the Gang. Did Otto and Meenie get married yet?

Oh yes, Oetts played the guitar, and Bug and Hugh put out a wonderful buffet. I helped with the buffet, I added a little mid east grub that went over pretty good.

Any left, said Badfellow? Me and Dix and Gang Dog have been living on road food and we can feel our teeth beginning to rot out.

I think so. Say, he’s a fine looking dog. Mean looking. What kind of dog is he?

He’s a street dog, said Badfellow. He ain’t afraid a nothin’.