Today in my neighborhood...

[Thompson]

So, I call the landlord out, he is such a pussy. I say, Where is my dog? He’s in back the pussy landlord says. Then he starts talking shit like he does, and I’m so sick of his talking and I tell him I’m sick of your talking. Fuck you, i say. So I go in back to collect the dog , and there he is, the landlord. He starts punching me on my disabled arm. This Really hurts. This is unforgivable. You Cock Sucker, I yell, because he is a Cock Sucker, a fucking faggot to be more precise, and I don’t think this sissy knows what’s going to happen to him. I’m supposed to ‘get out’, har har har. Good luck with that, you fucking sissy. I just found my big killer stick.

[Thompson]

Gonna file a complaint, Thompson, said the lead cop?

No, that’s stupid. I found my big stick and I might just kill him.

That will bring us back out here you know, if you kill him.

Yeah, I know. Ever been to Frozen Lips Alaska?

No, but I was reading about Frozen Lips on The Modern Drunkard Message Board.

Yeah, I read that too. They got some good shit on The Modern Drunkard Message Board.

Yes, they do.

[Thompson]

So I’m sitting here, drinking a Schlitz, and mulling over the day, or yesterday, to be precise. There is nothing the landlord can do. There is no paper, no lease, no rental agreement, nothing. It’s a he said, she said thing. I can’t call the cops and claim that he hit me several times on my disabled arm. There’s no proof of that. If I kill him with my big stick then there will be proof of that. Anyway, what I’m getting at, is that he can tell me to ‘get out’ and I can say ‘he didn’t say that’. I’ve got squatters rights. The Only way for him to get rid of me is to sell the house. He won’t do that tomorrow, you see what I’m saying? That fucker crossed the line by punching me on my disabled arm. I don’t forget that kind of shit. Luckily he’s a sissy fag and it didn’t hurt That much. I can’t wait, really, for him to tell me to ‘get out’, then I can tell him back to ‘go fuck yourself’, which is the only way he ever gets any. I pushed his buttons, I’m fairly good at that, and now I’m going to keep pushing them, there is nothing he can do short of selling his house. Nothing.

[Thompson]

Right. I’ll start by not paying the rent. Well, I will but I’ll pay it late. I’ll keep him guessing. Then I will tell Chester, my dog, to keep an eagle eye out on the sissy fag and report back with any sissy fag doings.

[Thompson]

I told Ladybug this morning that if she wants to get rid of me too, she will have to file for a divorce. She will have to Pay For It too. I think Janis sang that, nothin’ ain’t worth nothin’ but it’s free.

So I’m not fucking around no more. I know most the cops in town, nice guys and gals most of ‘em, but I’m not moving a muscle until I’m handed a subpoena to appear in court. I didn’t watch all these Perry Masons for nothin’.

[Thompson]

This sort of sums it up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYwaWd4BmmY

[Thompson]

So, anyway, I found my big stick. I also whispered in Chester’s ear. He makes me smile every time. He has a mean smell now. Ain’t no puppy. Don’t really have to train him. You just think it and he gets the picture. He’s got Pitt bull in his blood, in his brain. You just give him the word, that’s all you have to do.

[Thompson]

Yeah, like I said before, I’m feeling sort of sick. I don’t care, really, if anybody gives a shit. I wouldn’t give a shit, would you? No, of course not. It’s the smell of blood dripping from my eyes that’s very aggravating. Smells like metal, like a gun. Have you looked at your fingernails lately? Seen how ragged they are? Sniffed ‘em? The one hand has all this black shit under the nails. What is that? How come the other hand doesn’t have that black shit? It’s probly dried blood or shit. Doesn’t smell like shit though. Who knows.? I can’t keep up with all this stuff, I feel lost a lot of the time.

[Thompson]

Well, you need to go to the insane asylum.

Okay, right. How do I get there? My cane is gone. I’m gonna wriggle my nose and then pop up at the insane asylum?

That’s another thing you have to learn, Thompson. If You have to talk to yourself, talk out loud, then you have to do it Without Sound.

Where is my friend Hugh?

He’s working on a new poem. It ain’t got nothing to do with you. You think everything has to do with you.

Just make me cry. Do I have to cry without sound too?

Yes. You come off as ten foot tall and bullet proof, but you are the biggest pussy in the bunch. Somebody pulls your hair and we never hear the end of it.

Does somebody pull your hair?

No, that’s why I get a haircut.

What about Badfellow? He’s my friend.

No he’s not, not since you started stalking him.

The Eskimo stripper girls?

Yeah, well I guess. They got a soft spot somewhere in there for ya.

[Thompson]

Okay, stripper girls, listen up.

Alright, Thompson, what we listening up to?

Well, I wanted to say (and normally now I say things without sound) that if you want to get married it’s okay. But, you have to be in love first. I won’t allow it,(not being in love), and I’m still in charge of the Gang.

We thought Badfellow was in charge of the Gang.

Well Okay, if you’re gonna nitpick.

Why would any of us girls get married without being in love?

I don’t know, I get all sentimental, and I have to talk to myself without sound. You have to be in love first. That’s all.

[Thompson]

The greatest song ever written and sung is Mr. Bojangles by Jerry Jeff Walker. You know why? It is so simple. The first line of the song. — I knew a man Bojangles and he danced for you. You see, he danced For You. So remember that you Eskimo stripper girls. Your man has to dance For You. Then you can get married.

[Thompson]

Good God you look sick as a dog, Thompson.

Don’t bad mouth my dog!

Well I don’t see how you can get out there and bring home the juice.

I don’t know, who’s side you on?

I just call ‘em like I see ‘em, that’s all.

You gonna go out and get the tall six and half pint?

No.

I figured that.

[Thompson]

Ladybug won’t give me my cane. I can’t walk that far without my cane. But I have to go and get a tall six of Schlitz. I mean, c’mon!!!!! I have to crawl I guess. Then I’ll get arrested for crawling on a public street.

Do you live alone, said the new cops I’m not familiar with?

No, I wish i did, but i live with Ladybug.

She won’t give you your cane?

No.

Does she ever make you something to eat?

No.

You look really bad. How come you got all those scabs on your face?

Fuck, I don’t know. I just want to get a six of Schlitz. Is that too much to ask?

[Thompson]

Well I got it. Bought another cane on the way. More crookedy. Forty bucks. That’s what it was last time, forty bucks. It’s a joint called Ms Claudia’s Costumes and Long Underwear. I think I’ve fallen in love with Claudia. I doubt she’s in love with me. But she seems sincere. Her smile is not fake. I said , Claudia, your smile is not fake. Why fake it, Thompson? That’s too much trouble.

This cane is more crooked.

Yes it is. It’s still forty bucks. You’ll get used to it.

I guess. At least it’s got a tip on it. The first one didn’t have a tip on it.

[Thompson]

I’m practicing, not talking out loud. It’s not easy brothers and sisters, not easy at all. It seems like it should be easy, you just say your shit without sound. But then you can’t hear yourself, so you are not sure you said it. I guess what you have to do is run away.

Where you going to run to?

Down south, Mexico way..

Well there ain’t no hangman gonna put a noose around you.