The Crappy Jokes thread!

[Savage]

Husband: Is that egg in the bowl in the refrigerator hard boiled?
Wife: Yes.

Next morning, wife opens fridge for some milk. Sees empty bowl.

Okay, I guess none of you guys get this, but I guess all the married women will. WTF?

[Lush City]

You will all pay dearly for reading this thread...

A Jewish man goes to see his Rabbi one Sabbath after services and tells him his wife is trying to poison him. The Rabbi asked how do you know and the man told him about his getting sick every afternoon until he went to the hospital. He found out someone was putting poison in his lunch.

The man told the Rabbi his wife makes his lunch for him.

So, the Rabbi asks, "What do you want from me"? The man replies, "Please talk to my wife and I'll see you next week". The Rabbi agreed.

The following week the man meets the Rabbi after services and asks about what he learned. The Rabbi looked at the man and said, "Yes, I spoke to your wife. For 3 hours I talked with your wife. My recommendation to you: take the poison"!

[Savage]

Nelson Muntz laughs at your attempts at humor

[Screwball]

A lesbian walks into a butcher shop...

Butcher: Ya thinking about buying some steaks?

Lesbian: No, I gonna buy some steaks. I'm thinking about Poontang!

[Rev. Dead Corpse]

A string walks into a bar and takes a seat at the rail.

Bartender comes down and says to him, "I'm very sorry, but we don't serve string here."

Dejected, the string gets up and walks out of the bar. He spend several minutes contorting his body and frizzing the ends of his cord.

He then walks back into the bar and takes again his former seat.

The bartender comes back down and somewhat testily says. "I've already told you once, we don't serve alcohol to strings here. You are a string aren't you?"

The string looks at him and says, "No. I'm a frayed knot."

[Rev. Dead Corpse]

A duck walks into a bar and bellies up to the rail. When the bartender gets there to take his order, the duck looks at him and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender says, "No. I'm sorry. We only serve alcohol here. We have no grapes."

The duck looks dejected and leaves the bar.

A few minutes later, the duck walks back into the bar and repeats his request. Again, being rejected, he leaves the bar. This goes on for most of the afternoon.

Finally, the bartender gets fed up with the repeated request and angrily says to the duck, "Look. I keep telling you. We do not have any grapes. If you don't stop asking, I'm going to nail your bill to the bar."

Startled, the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes back into the bar and again takes a seat. The bartender asks with strained politeness in his voice, "What can I get for you?"

The duck looks up at him and asks, "Got any nails?"

Surprised, the bar tender says, "No."

The duck pipes up, "Good. Got any grapes?"

[oettinger]

A plane crashed somewhere into the pacific ocean.
The survivors stranding on a lonely island consisted of 20 men and one woman, they immediately started having sex out of pure boredom waiting for help.
Then the women suddenly died.

The men became pretty nervous that moment, what to do next to kill the time waiting for rescue they thought.

After one week it was aggravating.
After another week, it became messy.
After another week, it was unbearable.
After the fourth week, with a rescue ship quickly approaching, they finally buried the woman`s corpse.

[Savage]

Oettinger, that was purely disgusting. You owe me a handle of Makers.

That said, while I was making Sloppy Joes tonight, Grumpy wandered into the kitchen, to tell me a joke.

"Did I tell you the latest pizza joke I heard?"

No, I sez.

"Well, wait, I'd tell it to you, but it's too cheesy."

And I made him dinner anyway. Go figure.

[oettinger]

Oettinger, that was purely disgusting. You owe me a handle of Makers.

That said, while I was making Sloppy Joes tonight, Grumpy wandered into the kitchen, to tell me a joke.

"Did I tell you the latest pizza joke I heard?"

No, I sez.

"Well, wait, I'd tell it to you, but it's too cheesy."

And I made him dinner anyway. Go figure.

Yeah, sorry to hear that, my bad. Had this strange feeling before posting but lady ethyl screamed go for it!
Maybe I should do a viagra themed zombie version with 20 women now?

[Lush City]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A chicken was standing on the corner when up come a farmer.
The farmer says, "Hey chickie, how about a lay?"
The chicken says, "Not with my wife you don't!"

Yeah, maybe it was the Jewish accent that made it work but really never got the punch line.
Time for another drink. Cheers!

[Smatter Noguts]

The old questions stay with us:

Q: Why did the redneck cross the road?
A: Because he couldn’t get his dick out of the chicken.

Q: Why doesn’t Mexico enter the Olympics?
A: Because all their best runners, jumpers and swimmers are in America.

Q: What does it taste like when you go down on an old lady?
A: Depends.

Q: Why don't you see black people on cruise ships?
A: Because they're not falling for that shit again.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is drunk in Rome?
A: He’ll be kissing his wife’s foot and bashing the Pope on the head with a coal shovel.

[oettinger]

As we hit rock bottom on first post aready

Q: what helped hitler rise to power
A: skip to 1:12 soup with pepper

[Palinka (RIP)]

Q. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A. A walk.

[Savage]

Readers Digest had a list of ten jokes even an idiot like me could remember.

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I dunno, but the flag is a big plus.

I'll pause between jokes while you laugh yourselves silly.

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Did you hear about the new restaurant called "Karma"? There is no menu. You get what you deserve.

My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving messages around the house.

Seriously, people have always told me I say funny things, but ask me to repeat a joke, oh yeah, forget about it. In the dictionary, under
"screw up", is my picture.

[Smatter Noguts]

Q: Why do Jewish guys watch porno movies backward?
A: Because they like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

Q:Why don't they put Al Sharpton on a stamp?
A: No one would know which side to spit on.

Q:When is it o.k. to spit on an arab girl's face?
A: When her moustache is on fire.

Q: Why don't Jewish girls swallow?
A: They want to be the spitting image of thier mothers.

Q: What does it mean when two lesbians make love?
A: It doesn't mean dick.