Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health

[oettinger]

Sure it burns. Especially if you put deodarant containing alcohol on it. I might just stink it up like you said and buy more vodka instead

[scream ale]

Deodrant is overrated. I only use it at funerals and job interviews. Never had a rash from it though.

[Thompson]

I’m sort of interested in these eight sticky things that they hooked up wires to and stuck on different parts of my upper body. I ripped the wires out before I escaped in the hospital gown but I didn’t take the sticky things off until later.

Now I’m wondering what those wires told their sophisticated computers and genius health workers. I’m wondering what their spin on me would have been had I not bolted.

There is another protocol in hospitals that not all of you may know about. It’s your blood alcohol level. They won’t do anything or let you do anything until your level is below whatever the protocol level is. With veteran drinkers like us that can take a good while. So they will make you sit on the hospital bed with your hospital gown on for as long as that takes. But they don’t tell you that.

[Thompson]

Back in the day, especially in the charity wards they didn’t hook you up with wires and give you a gown and let you sit on a hospital bed. You sat your ass in a plastic chair in a waiting room with security people who were not going to let you bolt. The hospital workers would come by every hour and give all us drunks a breath test. If you passed the test you got a peanut butter sandwich and a Valium. This was back in the day. Got you a nicotine patch too once you passed the test. You could sit there in that chair for an infinite amount of time. The sun goes down, the sun comes up, the air temperature in the hospital is set at 60.

Did I pass the test?

No.

Can I trade my peanut butter sandwich in for a second Valium when I pass my test?

No.

What about with another fellow chair sitter?

Nobody is going to trade their Valium for a stale peanut butter sandwich.

Many escapes from this prison?

No sir.

Got a bunch of drugs locked up in here?

I guess so, I don’t do drugs.

Where are the drugs locked up at?

Mostly in the head psychiatrist’s room, he does a lot of drugs.

Does he keep the drugs in a safe?

Yeah.

I need you to send a telegram to Mr. whiskeyprick at this address and inform him that his safecracking expertise is needed here in the psycho ward of Charity Hospital. Stat!

[Thompson]

Did you send that telegram? And what is your name? I’m putting together a string when I blow this joint.

Yeah, I sent it. I might want to join your string.
My name is Popcorn.

Okay, Popcorn, the first thing I’m going to need is a detailed blueprint of the entire hospital building along with the hospital grounds. I want to know if that is the men’s room or the ladies room, shit like that. And is there a basement?

Hey Thompson, you gotta cigarette?

Yeah I gotta a half a pack in my sock.

I could tell the front desk that you simply have to have some fresh air or you are in dire danger of croaking out in this hospital. You, Thompson, have to put on somewhat of an act, but it should be easy — just act natural. Then we can hide behind the dumpster and smoke two cigarettes.

Apiece?

Yeah.

Okay, let’s go.

[Thompson]

Popcorn says, hey Thompson?

Yeah? How you like these short 72 cigarettes?

Tasty. Thanks. Listen, when you pass the blood alcohol test they are going to put the jacket on you and take you to number nine.

Why?

Suicide. You are a suicide patient. You tried to jump off the Mississippi river bridge.

No shit.

No shit.

Was I graceful?

I wasn’t there.

Okay, I get the picture. Thanks Popcorn.

[Nausea]

The Mississippi River Bridge isn't high enough to die from.

You could do an elegant swan dive from it, however.

Hey Popcorn, I'm Nausea.

You wouldn't happen to be showing up just because Thompson is loaded with an infinite dollar bill, are you? (BTW, stinky Oett: black and white will do just fine).

Cuz I won't tolerate that shit.

I was once at a university library bathroom (I really miss being within distance of a proper university library, replete with academic journals -- now I have to pay for everything and get it shipped to me) and somehow didn't notice that all my piss was being deflected off the urinal right back at me.

Well, there's not much you can do except walk around that way, letting the urine evaporate. I feel ya.

I was once jailed in a hospital gown top. All the other inmates stayed the hell away from me, because not only was I in a gown, but it was bloodied up from wiping my nose on it constantly. Got into a fist fight -- I'll spare you the details. The cops took me in a fucking ambulance too. Cost me $1500, for about a 15 minute drive. Totally unnecessary, but I was bloodied up a bit and I guess that's standard operating procedure.

[Thompson]

They came with an ambulance to Charity Hospital and wheeled their stretcher into number nine and strapped Thompson down and took him to the state insane and alcoholic institution in Mandeville.

Got a decent breakfast but you had to walk like a fucking mile to get to the cafeteria. And it was always backed up with insane people sniffing everything and drunk people starting the day off with a good pull of aftershave and wanting to look over all the choices again.

The lunch and suppers were starchy and tended to give you gas, but no worse than other joints. The food was filling. They put saltpeter in it. The coffee was decaf only. You could smoke back then at Mandeville State Hospital which was a real plus. Everybody had an ashtray on his/her nightstand.

[Thompson]

The Mississippi River Bridge isn't high enough to die from.

It’s the damn current. You can’t fight that current. Nobody swims across the Mississippi River I don’t think. Maybe Jack LaLanne did it.

A fist fight? Hell! Were you knocked down? Did you have to spend time in jail? Did you have to have stitches in your nose or around that split eye? Looks like you had a chunk of hair pulled out too. That is awesome. Do you do these fist fights regular? Go out looking for a fist fight? Do you think you could teach me how to fistfight?

[Thompson]

I would imagine to be a good fist fighter you would have to be calm. Have a calm demeanor. Then you walk up to the guy and bust him in the nose just as hard as you possibly can. Then you kick him in the balls just as hard as you possibly can. Then you punch him in the eye and get him on the ground where you kick him in the ribs just as hard as you can. You have to do this fast. You can’t let the guy react.

I don’t know. I’d probably get my assed kicked and wind up with broken bones and a punctured spleen.

[Thompson]

Popcorn came to visit me in the suicide room where I was nursing a punctured spleen and on thin ice.

Hey Popcorn.

Hey Thompson.
Nausea’s fist fighting lessons didn’t take?

Well they were solid lessons but I failed to execute in the actual fight.

I got a telegram here from whiskeyprick says he’s on his way but wants to know what room and floor number you are on.

Well that’s good news. Did you tell him?

I will.

Okay, we’ll set up a meeting when whiskeyprick gets here.

[Thompson]

Oh, and try to get in touch with Hugh. He knows a bit about this insane business and psycho wards and might could come in handy in the drug heist and escape. Man, can you imagine the valiums and other shit we can sell?

[Thompson]

Hugh said he’s not coming in on the string. He said it is too dangerous and besides he is on parole and doesn’t want to fuck that up.

What a pussy, said Thompson.

Big Nate is in though, said Popcorn.

No shit.

No shit.

Good. He can bring his sidekick Badfellow along.

Badfellow doesn’t want to come along.

Well how about that German guy with that armpit odor, Oettinger?

He’s still got a rash and is touchy about it.

Well fuck, said Thompson, who we got left?

This Nausea fellow .

The dude with the infinite dollar bill?

Yeah, he gives them out. He gave Oettinger one.

And Oettinger wasted his on expensive deodorant.

Right.

Okay, look, said Thompson, we have to have a meeting. Big Nate, can you get in touch with the Eskimo stripper girls? They might have some ideas that will help us.

[Thompson]

Thompson deleted all his stupid crybaby posts and got back to the task at hand.

What is the task at hand, said Popcorn?

Jesus shit, said Thompson, haven’t you been paying attention? We are going to steal all the drugs in the hospital which are kept in a giant safe in the head psychiatrist’s office. Mr. whiskeyprick will blow the safe. Then, in the confusion, I will take out all these wires I’m connected to and head to the basement via the stairs and contact Badfellow via telegram to deploy the stripper girls, one on each floor of the hospital, disguised as nurses with nurses hats and fish net stockings, and they will know what to do, same m.o. as the first heist. (Luckily all the girls have kept in shape watching the Jane Fonda workout tv program over at Nate’s) Oettinger will be stationed across the street in the taco truck, which won’t be serving tacos today. However, it will look like it to the casual observer and police patrolmen. We stash the stolen drugs in the taco truck making it look like a taco truck food delivery. I will pretend to be the guy with the invoice/delivery paper marking everything down. Then, Oettinger will take the fuck off in the souped up truck and we will all meet up later at the rendezvous point to sample our drugs and eat lunch at that new lobster restaurant.

[Thompson]

The lobster restaurant was closed which figures, but it was only because we were in between lunch and dinner. Oettinger suggested we all have a taco. There were some cold 16s of Hamm’s in the cooler to go with. Jesus, you just mention any kind of food and those Eskimo stripper girls come a runnin’. It sure is a nice sight to see though.

So the string took inventory of the drugs they stole and sampled most of them. The only one they didn’t care for was PCP. Nobody knew what PCP was and had never heard of it. So they put those pills off to the side. Valiums and Vicodins and all those oxy things like codone and cotton were going to be easy to sell and they put those on the other side. The lobster restaurant was open now for supper, so they all went over there because they were all very hungry and a little high.