military folk or those who have tried MREs

bob robertson · Post by **bob robertson** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:18 pm

courtesy of EHOWA

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day
before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had
before" for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make,
I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations
that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's
what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took
out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King,
and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some
dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops
in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice
together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like
succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together
in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes
at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops,
and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the
MRE cheese (kinda like

Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my
spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it
looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I
heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky
gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.

Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military
Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military
Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets
of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet
says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it
(that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand
from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set
the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China
(that shit is fucking EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings
cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal
wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner,
saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she
kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking
that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She
kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after
she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses
during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert,
she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had
made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate
Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use
my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to
herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her
utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener,
1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and
returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to
the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the
hell is WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves
into the porcelain bowl.

This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper
roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the
chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up
to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly,
without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed
the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing
so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said
"I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so
embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I
gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because
she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen
and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories
of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously,
and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made
3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys,
and took off without a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 3 days, and
when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could
smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working
out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never
wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY
there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that
that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on
a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom
while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know, I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.

Atavist · Post by **Atavist** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:25 pm

I am laughing so hard right now, I actually spilled my drink.

I Blame that on you Grimy, but the story was funny!

WastelessPointOfTime · Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:25 pm

Hilarious!

Messenger · Post by **Messenger** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:39 pm

It was my understanding that the Chiclets were in there to keep you from three days of constipation. Either way, at $4.35 per fifth, I want some of that Military Reserve Vodka

G_W · Post by **G_W** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:56 pm

HI-larious! I also like MREs, go figure. :D

Sixpack595 · Post by **Sixpack595** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 1:34 am

Fucking great! MREs are horrible.

rune · Post by **rune** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 2:01 am

Does anyone here remember the C-rats?

Savage · Post by **Savage** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 2:21 am

Oh! Oh! Oh gawdamm!

That is the funniest thing I've read all year.

Oh, and yes, Rune, Grumpy is a retired MGs and he really likes some of the MREs. He is a sick puppy.

Savage · Post by **Savage** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 2:23 am

Oh, and when we were first married and broke off our butts thanks to the ex-slut-cow, we sold a hellacious pile of John Waynes at the O'side swap meet.

Jimmy&Guinney · Post by **Jimmy&Guinney** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 2:38 am

Spagetti and Corn Beef were good. Omelette and Tuna were horid. If I was eating them I wasn't in a position to care about taste though.

Sixpack595 · Post by **Sixpack595** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 4:00 am

rune wrote:Does anyone here remember the C-rats?

My dad made me eat c-rats. since it was the mid 80s I'm wondering how old those fuckers were.

Drunkard-X · Post by **Drunkard-X** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 11:38 am

Hahahaha! That's a great story. I love MRE's.

Frankennietzsche · Post by **Frankennietzsche** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 11:46 am

92oz of Italian sausage, military style:

http://www.cheaperthandirt.com/ctd/prod ... A75PX6C2W2

Only six clams plus s and h.

Ranger6 · Post by **Ranger6** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 12:47 pm

Defunct · Post by **Defunct** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 1:05 pm

I've only had MRE's a couple of times up at deer camp when a buddy of mine brought some he had left from the military. Didn't taste really horrible but the constipation thing is right on the money.

I guess if you're a Soldier who is in the heat of battle the last thing you want to do is stop and take a shit!