new rules!

[MeanOldLady]

since bill maher isn't back yet, and everyone around me is asleep, it's time for my new rules!

1) people who take the elevator from the first floor to the second must either a) submit proof of injury to me, or b) fuck off.

2) after having explained to you that jim beam "neat" means no mixers, no ice, please do not present me with a brownish liquid in a glass full of ice and with two olives in it. i have no idea what olives have to do with being "neat" or what "ice" has to do with "no ice."

3) if you're on a two-lane highway going 35 in the left lane, and the guy coming up behind you is doing 70, get your slow fucking ass over. no one should have to pass you on the right, dipshit.

4) white bread is evil.

5) if you're 70 miles from home, and end up crashing on someone's couch for 2 days, febreezing your shirt is an acceptable alternative to showering.

6) shit. i want bacon.

[Rip Rufus]

I'm not sure is #6 technically counts as a rule, but I wholeheartedly agree.

[ivan]

Mmmm. Bacon.

[MeanOldLady]

we could make that same graph with the peak labeled, "the day i realized i could drink bourbon whenver i want."

[ivan]

No, Bourbon if made from corn, which is a vegetable, and it's fermented, like sauerkraut.

That makes Bourbon a health drink.

[Martini Time]

since bill maher isn't back yet, and everyone around me is asleep, it's time for my new rules!

1) people who take the elevator from the first floor to the second must either a) submit proof of injury to me, or b) fuck off.

I won't get you started on escalators.

2) after having explained to you that jim beam "neat" means no mixers, no ice, please do not present me with a brownish liquid in a glass full of ice and with two olives in it. i have no idea what olives have to do with being "neat" or what "ice" has to do with "no ice."

Find another drinking establishment.

3) if you're on a two-lane highway going 35 in the left lane, and the guy coming up behind you is doing 70, get your slow fucking ass over. no one should have to pass you on the right, dipshit.

Correct. This is bad form. Your car can even GO 70?!?

4) white bread is evil.

I'm going to hope that this has nothing to do with our new administration.

5) if you're 70 miles from home, and end up crashing on someone's couch for 2 days, febreezing your shirt is an acceptable alternative to showering.

You didn't learn this one on your own. I remember the days when you felt showers were mere vomit receptacles

6) shit. i want bacon.

You got it.

[kowalski]

I agree, except for:

4) white bread is evil.

evil how?

So, you''d rather have a bacon sandwich on some brown bread rather than white? what?

[MeanOldLady]

2) after having explained to you that jim beam "neat" means no mixers, no ice, please do not present me with a brownish liquid in a glass full of ice and with two olives in it. i have no idea what olives have to do with being "neat" or what "ice" has to do with "no ice."

Find another drinking establishment.

true, but i am very far from home, and this bar was showing a $50 ppv for free. and this is a college town where the trained liquor professionals are 22 year olds who took a week-long mixology class... at which no one was told how to pour bourbon into a glass.

now what's all this about canned bacon?

and white bread. i'll take wheat, rye, sourdough, or whatever is in front of me, except white. in that case, i'll just hold the bacon and turkey together with my hands. or cheese.

[Cowboy Joe]

I can feel your pain on the college bartenders, and I agree with all of the above. I prefer to get my bread out of a bottle of High Life....

[Artie2002]

There are a few things that actually taste better on white bread, such as fried Spam and toasted Velveeta cheese.

Those are the only two exceptions I can think of.

[TheBigCasino]

vagrant, this is all star. work it out man.

[greygoose]

There are a few things that actually taste better on white bread, such as fried Spam and toasted Velveeta cheese.

Those are the only two exceptions I can think of.

Peanut butter and jelly is about the only thing I use honky bread for.

[Pete G]

Mean Old Lady has obviously engaged in deep meditations on the nature of these things...

[Bender!]

You Yankees crack me up. White bread has its place, particularly at the Southern Barbecue. Proper Southern BBQ is messy, with tangy, vinegar based sauce dripping everywhere. White bread lacks much flavor, which makes it a perfect "mop" to the sauce drippings on your plate. Chase with a 40 of your choice and enjoy.

Damn, now I'm hungry.

[Mother Goose]

Hi MOL!

People who stand still on those moving sidewalk thingies at the airport should be cunt-punted.

I rarely trust a young bartender.