Ask Savage

[Savage]

Dear Savage,
How much more cyberstalking of your daughters before you send someone to kill Boozy?

Thanks,
Concerned Cad

Already taken care of. It will happen when he least expects it.

[Savage]

Dear Ms Savage,

People are always asking me, "A penny for your thoughts?" But when I reply, they say I'm "putting in my two-cents worth."

Where does that extra penny go?

It means you're giving them more than they deserve. Too bad they're too dumb-ignorant to make use of your lagniappe kindness.

[Savage]

Dear Savage,

What constitutes the care and feeding of an occasionally under bridge dwelling bluebottle?

A concerned vagrant

Just position him in front of the liquor cabinet, give him a blanket and pillow, an emesis basin and a bottle of water, and hope for the best.

[Savage]

Describe bluebottle in one word

Who, me? He's often blue. He loves the bottle. He has outlived all medical expectations for his longevity curve.

[Savage]

Dear Savage,

Should I move to California? or wait until the ocean comes to me..

-and-

What is the meaning of a Double Rainbow?

You should definitely come here. In fact, I got a big old pink pile of stucco I would love to sell you. It's nice: It's got four bedrooms, a library, family room/kitchen area, living room, big back yard with a lot of dead grass (water bills are high!) and a detached two car garage (currently full of all kinds of crap and woodworking machines.) The kitchen is biggish, and has a nextdoor laundry room. Oh, and we have indoor plumbing: three toilets, four bathroom sinks, a shower and a bathtub/shower. There's a third floor area that is currently full of all kinds of crap, but we'll take that with us. Our next door neighbor is a game warden; he'll probably give you fish and stuff like he does us. He brought home a dead cougar once, and then a live bear cub that my grandboys wanted to have. There's a small front porch area, perfect for sipping bourbon at, which is what we do there--Grumpy smokes his stinky cigars there too.

Not desperate or anything, but the hot dry climate and I do not get along.

[fiyah]

Sounds like heaven if you lower the temperature by 10-20 degrees F..

[Negromancer]

Where are me boots? Me noggin', noggin' boots?

[Mr. Von Rotten]

Dear Savage,

I managed to drink myself up to 439lbs. I literally eat only 4 or 5 times a week. I thought my doctor would approve of my mostly "liquid" diet, but unfortunately this is not the case. I am going to have my stomach stapled and was told alcohol is a definate no-no. Is bourbon injectable? In inhaler/nebulizer form maybe? I'm grabbing at straws here.

Fat and afraid in California.

[Wingman]

put it in the humidifier....

[Savage]

Dear Savage,

I managed to drink myself up to 439lbs. I literally eat only 4 or 5 times a week. I thought my doctor would approve of my mostly "liquid" diet, but unfortunately this is not the case. I am going to have my stomach stapled and was told alcohol is a definate no-no. Is bourbon injectable? In inhaler/nebulizer form maybe? I'm grabbing at straws here.

Fat and afraid in California.

Well, damn. You are a big boy. However, bourbon is totally injectible. I, my own self, have had a bourbon IV port for years (in case of emergency, ya know). As for inhaling it, come hang out here. Just the backwash from our breathing with get you a contact high, fer shur.

[Savage]

Where are me boots? Me noggin', noggin' boots?

They're right where ya left 'em, yer daft cow.

[NYDingbat]

Dear Savage,

How much is that doggie in the window?

Thanks,
Chinatown Chef

[Savage]

Dear Savage,

How much is that doggie in the window?

Thanks,
Chinatown Chef

14 cents the pound. But we will ask you to sign a very special waiver.

[peetie44]

Dear Ms Savage,

I always have a bottle of whisky around and I am very careful not to crack the glass so I'm sure it doesn't leak. I'm also extra careful not to leave the stopper out of the bottle and let it evaporate; yet somehow my whisky keeps disappearing every day or two.

What could be causing this?

-----Confused & Concerned

[Mr Boozificator]

Dear miss Savage,

Tomorrow is a school day and I don't want to go. Can you write a note for my boss explaining how fragile I am and can I hide at your place?