Another God Damn Joke Thread

[Smatter Noguts]

A man dressed in Spartan Green and White walks into an Ann Arbor sports bar with a small dog under his arm. He says to the bartender:

"Hey, can I leave my dog here while I go to the MSU - U of M game?"

"A dog in my bar? No."

"But he's a special dog," the MSU fan says.

"In what way?" The bartender asks.

"Well," says the Spartan, he will watch the game on TV with you. When MSU scores, he will walk up and down the bar on his hind legs. When Michigan scores, he will walk up and down the bar on his front legs. When Michigan State wins, he will do back flips all the way down the bar and back."

"Wow," the bartender says. "What does he do when Michigan wins?"

"I don't know" says the Spartan. "He's only four years old."

[Screwball]

3 priest are sailing in a boat with a group of children. The boat starts to sink.

1st priest says "We got to save the children!"

2nd priest says "Fuck the children!!!"

3rd priest says "Do we have time?"

[Aloysius_of_Tahiti]

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: This cunty nun I met outside of a pub this morning who gave me some lip about my drunken ways and got chucked down a steep embankment for her trouble.

[Resident Asshole]

"Wow," the bartender says. "What does he do when Michigan wins?"

"I don't know" says the Spartan. "He's only four years old."

Heh. Wonder if anyone else got that?


What did the leper say to the prostitute?

"Keep the tip"

[JohnnyT]

There is no reason for a woman to have a driver's license.






There are no roads from the kitchen to the bedroom.

[Milspec]

Why did the ghost beat his wife? ....because she BOO-served it!

[Smatter Noguts]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Got any Mango?"

"No, we don't stock that here" he replies, so the duck walks away.

The next day the duck walks in and says, "Got any Mango?"

"I told you yesterday, no." So the duck walks away.

The day after that the duck walks in and asks, "Got any Mango?"

"Look, you little shit" the bartender says, " I been telling you all week we don't have it,
the next time you waddle in here and ask for it I'm gonna nail those webbed feet of yours to the floor!"

The next day the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No" replies the bartender.

"Got any Mango?"

[Smatter Noguts]

I was eating a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a
jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two
days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my last Biology exam 40 years ago. I was asked to name two things commonly
found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct
answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the
wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out,
he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you’re still black'

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches
tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing
by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh
bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The
boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But
since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works
best.

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her
mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could
look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to
yourself...'I'm going to take that.'

A man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer
in the fields and shouts to him 'Where am I?' The Irish farmer looks back up and
shouts back. 'You’re in that fuckin' basket.'

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last
question which I got wrong. The question was, Where
do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I
know they wanted the name of a country?

[The Limey]

A catholic priest was guilt ridden after running over a frog with his car. He stopped and was surprised to find it alive, he took the frog home and revived it with a warm bath and some fly soup. The frog was emotional and tired, so he popped it into bed and administered a small kiss to help bring on sleep. Immediately, the frog transformed into an eleven year old boy. And that, your honour, is the case for the defence.

[The Limey]

A group of nuns were waiting to go into confession one morning, the first nun goes in and says "forgive me father for i have sinned" the priest replies " confess your sins, my daughter" the nun says "I saw a mans penis" the priest says "wash your eyes with holy water and say 5 Hail Marys", the nun leaves the confession box and goes up to the font and washes her eyes. The next nun goes into the confession box and says "forgive me father for i have sinned" the priest says "confess your sins, my daughter" the nun says "I touched a mans penis" the priest says "wash your hands in holy water and say 10 Hail Marys" the nun leaves the confession box and goes up to the font and washes her hands. One of the other nuns tries to push her way to the front of the queue. The Mother Superior asks the nun what she is doing and the nun says "if I have to gargle with holy water, I want to do it before Sister Maria washes her arse in it".

[The Limey]

A man goes into a petshop and told the man behind the counter that he had been sent by his wife to buy an exotic pet. The shopkeeper immediately lent down to a box at his feet and lifted up a frog and said 'this should do you'. The customer looked at the frog and said 'I have a pond in the garden and that has got frogs in - what is so clever about this one?'. The shopkeeper said - 'this is a cock sucking frog' and he immediately dropped his trousers and lifted the frog up to his todger, which promptly gave the man a blow job. The customer was convinced and shelled out £50 for the frog.

When he got home his wife asked him what he had bought and he proudly showed her the frog. The wife got very cross and said "we have a pond in the garden and that has got frogs in - why have you gone and spent our money on that one?"

The husband replied "I am going to teach it how to cook, and then you can fuck off".

[JimLahey]

A fag goes to the doctor and the doctor looks up his ass. He finds a giant bouquet of flowers and he goes "I don't know where these came from!" and the fag goes "why don't you read the card?"

[Smatter Noguts]

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said,"Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!"
"Great, Nancy, but how?" asked Harry.

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most middleAmericans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador
Retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Arizona and show them how much admiration and respect we have for
the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Prescott, Arizona. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the
bar. The bartender Wally took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"

"Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in
some local color." They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old farmer came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged
his shoulders and walked out.

A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his
head and left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"

[Smatter Noguts]

Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure..'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[DeeboCools]

A woman who's husband worked at a distillery answered a knock at her door one day. She opened the door to find a few of her husband's co-workers looking rather sullen, and holding their hats. "Oh dear, what's wrong," she asked.

"I'm afraid there has been an accident," one of the men said. "Your husband fell into a vat of whisky and... he didn't make it."

"Oh, no." The woman started to tear up. "But Brian was such a strong swimmer. Tell me, did he go down fighting?"

"Oh yes," the man answered, "he fought until his last breath. He had to get out to piss three times, but in the end he just couldn't finish it all..."