Merry Christmas you drunks!

[ivan]

Get a few empty Daisani and/ or Aquafina bottles. Fill them with wine. Drink them.

If your relatives confront you, claim that a miracle occurred. If they act skeptical, go on the offensive: "What? Are you trying to tell me Jesus couldn't turn bottled water into bottled wine?" Be prepared to cite Biblical sources, if necessary.

You're welcome.

[Smatter Noguts]

Praise Jesus, my niece brought her prospective fiance who had a bottle of "Forty Creeks" a Canadian blended whiskey mixed with aged Rye, corn, and barley with a big back story and we drank ourselves stiff through the whole thing and it was wonderful stuff and I hope he's in; 'cause we really need another of his kind around.

The sister in law was pissed.

Win/win.

[Frankennietzsche]

a black and green and red birthday cake

What is the significance of these colors? That just seems strange to me to be associated with that Jesus fellow. Those are the colors of Arab nationalism and the PLO, etc.

[zfish]

I'd kill my family if they did that to me. Fortunately, they are also drunks, so no violence is necessary.

[Smatter Noguts]

a black and green and red birthday cake

What is the significance of these colors? That just seems strange to me to be associated with that Jesus fellow. Those are the colors of Arab nationalism and the PLO, etc.

Black means DEATH, red is Jesus' sacrifice, green is new life.

As close as I can remember; I'm usually out of range and half as baked as the cake before the fundamentafest really gets swinging.

There's a growing group that hangs back when the hijacking of the party takes place, and now that there are several of us bringing our own booze and setting a bad example for the kids, the complaints are disappearing from the high priestess.

She's pissed off, but quiet about it.

[Frankennietzsche]

Dude, you should totally call her out on the cake. Next year, bring a picture of Abu Nidal, or sneak in and put some icing on it in arabic script, or cut it with a scimitar. At the very least, just say, "Hey Jesus-crispy, that looks like the new Libyan flag."

[John Barleycorn]

Today's ordeal at 3 at the wife's sister's; some scripture reading, a black and green and red birthday cake we all have to light candles for, sing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus, then go around and praise HIM and what miracles we are thankful for during the past year.

Mine is the miracle of the 8oz flask that keeps filling up with Sailor Jerry; although in truth, I might be refilling it myself in a blackout state late at night to be ready, 'cause good scouts are always prepared.

Should improve the shitty punch she always serves, anyway.

You poor bastard. I'm now at my mom's for the holidays. She tells me that she wants me to tidy up her liquor cabinet by drinking all the half bottles around and any gifts she's been given over the year. Right now I'm drinking a 375 of TJD, which isn't the greatest but it is free and does the trick.

[Wingman]

fundamentafest.

heh.

[Miklo]

Honestly its not that bad, so long as you can booze it up without judgement. There are two ways around this, either they dont drink and are ok with you drinking ( this is perfered) or you hide it and enjoy your glow. The second is almost as good as the first in the fact that there is some joy to be found in basking in the warm glow of your favorite bourbon while everyone else shivers in the dark. What they dont know dosnt hurt, and you all have a good time. I really dont have a problem with the drys, though i do tend to give them a hard time hoping one will give in and take a shot with me, which on occasion will work. As long as im drinking, i dont really care, i am happy and that is what counts. drink....dont drink....dosnt matter, there will just be more for me...or fuck 'em.....if your not going to get falling down drunk tonight why are you here.....

[Byron]

My 2cents on the matter... The dry's ability to home in on the drunkard is vastly overrated. In fact, most times when I have found myself in strict non-drunkard company, despite the initial "oh fuck" moment, the occasion goes over quite well. Observe the pleasantries "hello", "good day", "how are you", etc. They are all on guard and when you go ever so slightly out of the way to say hi or whatever, the dry Achilles's heel is exposed. The dry is wound tight as hell and that moment of relief when another human being makes contact is like a drunkard having our first slug of the day. Well, not quite that awesome, but as close as the dry will get.

So for a major holiday or xmas with the drys please follow: Drink freely and deeply, especially before the event and of thine own flasky supply. Pass judgement freely and liberally. Never apologize or show weakness. Be the life of the party (shouldn't be hard). If you remember any of the previous dry occasion the day after, take the initiative to remedy the previous day's dry blasphemy by drinking to make us all proud.

[Superfucker]

I'm going to be the dry this solstice, I just poured the last of my Baileys into the teapot, and am pretty much broke for the next two weeks. But its a good appetite builder since my Girlfriends gift is a wine weekend in Solvang. Still, two weeks......

[DeeboCools]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... ds-newsxml

Though he violated the first rule of drunkarddom, at least he had a big heart.

[Badfellow]

After the annual Festivus office party and the debunking of the Santa Claus/Leon Trotsky conspiracy theory (as it turns out, Santa is a militant socialist but not a true communist), we pretended to pose for underwear ads while leaning deeply into the searing world of Buffalo Trace White Dog corn mash. It wasn't just about the blind drunkenness or casual inter-office sex. No, it was more than that. It was dancing on the tables, shooting out the lights, running naked into the pitch night out Rose's back door. Sure, more than one of us have dropped our smart phones into the toilet, not so smart that they can survive the abuse, however. But what does it all mean? Quite frankly, I'm not inclined to care even if I did know the answers.

But what I can tell you is that life is not static. It is fleeting, often more quickly than you think. Take this holiday season to reflect upon having that extra, extra drink, the one you would have after not remembering having had it, and not giving shit from Shanoah for the consequences. I quote the immortal words of Sarah Connor's friend from The Terminator who said "In a hundred years who is going to care?" True that, Sarah's friend. True that.

Good Holidays, you lecherous bunch of slovenly soused sons of bitches. Grab the bottle by the balls, as it were. I wish you all peace and drunkenness in the coming new year, and would personally turd in each and every one of your Xmas stockings if given the chance.

[Jozer]

Cherers y'all!!!

[JimLahey]

Merry fuckin' Christmas.