The Crappy Jokes thread!

[Lush City]

It's those doctors and nurses running amok again! I remember when I started this thread it was originally named 'Bar Jokes' but Pali quickly jumped on it and renamed the thread the 'Crappy Jokes' thread. It was a blessing because we now have a lot of pages of side splitting humor that you can't get anywhere else for free. Maybe I'm just high but I will miss the bloke. I'll miss his gentle reprimands to behave. RIP Palinka.

[Savage]

Hey, did a Google search for 'crappy bar jokes' and this thread came up first! Amazing! Or were they rigging the search for me? It can get very spooky especially when you do searches at amazon. They catalog everything you do. Time for a double shot just to stay current.

They know where you are. So, send 'em a round. But spit in each drink, first.

[TheDrunkardAnglo]

I once shot an Elephant in my pyjamas... what it was doing in my pyjamas i'll never know.

[TheDrunkardAnglo]

Patient says "Nurse I dreamt about you last night."
Nurse says "Did you?"
Patient says "No you didn't let me!"

[Lush City]

You asked for it right out of the Henny Youngman archives

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

[oettinger]

^^^these are just great.

When my girlfriend told me about her pregnancy I gave up listening.

[oettinger]

Paint my house

[Mr. Viking]

what does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles

[Badfellow]

Why do Scientologists take all your money?

Because Thetan!

[Badfellow]

"Now, I'd like you to count backwards from 10."

"10...9...8...7...6......5..........4..........."

"What comes after 4?"

".......2......"

[Lush City]

These are worth repeating since no one remembers bad jokes.

What do you get when when you cross a computer with a prostitute?
A fucking know-it-all.

Who was the first computer programmer?
Eve. She had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.
(You have to be old enough to remember Wang computers.)

[Badfellow]

Here's a classic-

The young bull says to the old bull "Hey, let's run down in the pasture quick and fuck one of those heifers."

The old bull replies, "No, let's walk down there and fuck 'em all."

[Frankennietzsche]

How do you make a dead baby float?

A scoop of ice cream and a scoop of dead baby!

[oettinger]

While your wife is giving birth you notice that your cigs are empty.
You go to the cigarette automat and it doesn`t eat your one dollar bill.
Instead it`s spewing out quarters.

This is when the doctor comes running down the hallway: "Sir, you are the father of quadruplets!"
You reply: "I knew this bitching thing was broken, shouldn`t have put money into it from the beginng to be honest!"

[ThirstyDrunk]

Hear about the pregnant bedbug?
She gave birth in the spring.