I never went to Harvard
I never went to Yale
The only place I've ever been
Is in the County jail.
As I awoke one morning
And looked upon the wall
The cooties and the bedbugs
Were having a game of ball.
The score was 1 to nothing
The cooties were ahead
The bedbugs knocked a home run
And knocked me out of bed!
The Crappy Jokes thread!
Moderators: Artful Drunktective, mistah willies, NYDingbat, Judge, oettinger, Oggar, Badfellow, Mr Boozificator
- Lush City
- Chugging Like Churchill
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
Found myself in the Matrix and took the red pill. Now I want the blue pill and my bottle and leave me alone.
- TheDrunkardAnglo
- Lord of Benders
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
I was not allowed to stay up and watch the European Treaty negotiations of 1992.
Maastricht?
Yeah, she was a bit.
However I did get to watch the 2001 negotiations.
That must have been Nice.
Maastricht?
Yeah, she was a bit.
However I did get to watch the 2001 negotiations.
That must have been Nice.
Major Strasser: What is your nationality?
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.
- Frankennietzsche
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny!
-----------------------
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
----------------
What do you call a leper in the bath tub?
Soup
They taste funny!
-----------------------
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
----------------
What do you call a leper in the bath tub?
Soup
“Süßen witwe Mutter-Hosen — kommst du hier mit mein knackenpfeife schnell, oder Ich zeige Ihnen mein Zuhälter Hand!”
"I am going to pistol-whip the next person who says 'shenanigans' "
"Rectum? It nearly killed him!"
"I am going to pistol-whip the next person who says 'shenanigans' "
"Rectum? It nearly killed him!"
Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
You know what I would do if I had all the money I spent chasing tail?
Right I'd spend it all chasing tail
Right I'd spend it all chasing tail
What would you rather do—leave a beautiful corpse, or a scorched Earth? Don’t live fast and die young. Live long and die hard.¸
—Sarah Szabo
I'm all for a scorched Earth policy. -- Me
—Sarah Szabo
I'm all for a scorched Earth policy. -- Me
Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
Why didn't Queen Latifah win the Oscar for Chicago?
Anti-monarchist sentiment.
Anti-monarchist sentiment.
- Lush City
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
Two cross eyed twins were walking down the street.
One walks into the other and both fall down.
One says to the other, "Hey, why don't you look where you are going?"
The other says, "Why don't you go where you are looking!"
You thought the Rowan and Martin Laugh-In was bad?
One walks into the other and both fall down.
One says to the other, "Hey, why don't you look where you are going?"
The other says, "Why don't you go where you are looking!"
You thought the Rowan and Martin Laugh-In was bad?
Found myself in the Matrix and took the red pill. Now I want the blue pill and my bottle and leave me alone.
- ThirstyDrunk
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- mistah willies
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
That's the Lush City we know and get friggin drunk with.
Rodney D. joke:
I'm a young boy, walking my dog on a leash, and this man is walking towards us. He says, "Hey kid. I'll give you a dollar bill if you take that ugly mutt to the other side of the street and kill it so no one has to see it.
Then he hands the dollar to my dog.
I tell ya, I get no respect.
Now don't judge me. I bought that vinyl LP back in the 1880's
Rodney. Bad ass.
Rodney D. joke:
I'm a young boy, walking my dog on a leash, and this man is walking towards us. He says, "Hey kid. I'll give you a dollar bill if you take that ugly mutt to the other side of the street and kill it so no one has to see it.
Then he hands the dollar to my dog.
I tell ya, I get no respect.
Now don't judge me. I bought that vinyl LP back in the 1880's
Rodney. Bad ass.
- Savage
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
Old man Jones sits on his bed in the nursing home, staring down at his lap, crying his eyes out. The nurse asks him what the trouble is.
"My pecker died," he replies.
"Oh no," she says. "It's probably just tired. Go to sleep. Things will look better in the morning."
Next morning, she sees old man Jones, shuffling through the day room, unzipped, little friend a hangin' out. "Put that away," she orders. "You'll offend folks." He looks at her, his face all sad and serious. "But don't you remember what I told you last night? My pecker went and died. " "So what?" she says.
"Well, tomorrow's the funeral, but today is the viewing."
"My pecker died," he replies.
"Oh no," she says. "It's probably just tired. Go to sleep. Things will look better in the morning."
Next morning, she sees old man Jones, shuffling through the day room, unzipped, little friend a hangin' out. "Put that away," she orders. "You'll offend folks." He looks at her, his face all sad and serious. "But don't you remember what I told you last night? My pecker went and died. " "So what?" she says.
"Well, tomorrow's the funeral, but today is the viewing."
like tears in rain
- Savage
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- Location: All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
Well, dead is dead, so post your jokes here.
I told this joke on the crappy joke thread, but apparently, it is a dead thread, Fred. So here I am. Post your crappy jokes here. I'll go first, and it's not the kangaroo joke.
So, old man Jones sits on his bed in the nursing home, staring down at his lap, crying his eyes out. The nurse asks him what the trouble is.
"My pecker died," he replied.
"Oh no," she says. "It's probably just tired. Go to sleep. Things will look better in the morning."
Next morning, she sees old man Jones, shuffling through the day room, unzipped, little friend a hangin' out. "Put that away!" she orders. "You'll offend folks."
He looks at her, his face all sad and serious. "But don't you remember what I told you last night? My pecker went and died." "So what?" she says.
"Well, tomorrow's the funeral, but today is the viewing."
So, old man Jones sits on his bed in the nursing home, staring down at his lap, crying his eyes out. The nurse asks him what the trouble is.
"My pecker died," he replied.
"Oh no," she says. "It's probably just tired. Go to sleep. Things will look better in the morning."
Next morning, she sees old man Jones, shuffling through the day room, unzipped, little friend a hangin' out. "Put that away!" she orders. "You'll offend folks."
He looks at her, his face all sad and serious. "But don't you remember what I told you last night? My pecker went and died." "So what?" she says.
"Well, tomorrow's the funeral, but today is the viewing."
like tears in rain
- Frankennietzsche
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
Here's two from grade school:
Do you know what's grosser than gross?
Eating a bowl of cornflakes when your brother tells you that his scab collection is missing.
Do you know what's grosser than gross?
When a cheerleader does the splits and sticks.
Do you know what's grosser than gross?
Eating a bowl of cornflakes when your brother tells you that his scab collection is missing.
Do you know what's grosser than gross?
When a cheerleader does the splits and sticks.
“Süßen witwe Mutter-Hosen — kommst du hier mit mein knackenpfeife schnell, oder Ich zeige Ihnen mein Zuhälter Hand!”
"I am going to pistol-whip the next person who says 'shenanigans' "
"Rectum? It nearly killed him!"
"I am going to pistol-whip the next person who says 'shenanigans' "
"Rectum? It nearly killed him!"
- peetie44
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Re: Well, dead is dead, so post your jokes here.
Guy's got a dog (King) and the dog's bark sounds like "Roof".
He takes the dog into a bar and tells another guy, "Hey, if you buy me a drink, I'll let you hear my talking dog."
So the second guy figures "what the hell..." and buys the dog owner a beer.
"King, what's on the top of a house?"
"Roof", the dog responds.
"King...form where does a tree get it's nourishment?
"Roof", says King.
The other man starts rolling his eyes, but then the dog owner asks,
"King, who's the greatest baseball player ever?"
"Roof", the dog replies.
At this point, the drink buyer tells the guy to go fuck himself and stomps out of the bar.
KIng looks up at his master and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio...?"
http://instantrimshot.com/
He takes the dog into a bar and tells another guy, "Hey, if you buy me a drink, I'll let you hear my talking dog."
So the second guy figures "what the hell..." and buys the dog owner a beer.
"King, what's on the top of a house?"
"Roof", the dog responds.
"King...form where does a tree get it's nourishment?
"Roof", says King.
The other man starts rolling his eyes, but then the dog owner asks,
"King, who's the greatest baseball player ever?"
"Roof", the dog replies.
At this point, the drink buyer tells the guy to go fuck himself and stomps out of the bar.
KIng looks up at his master and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio...?"
http://instantrimshot.com/
"Man i once bought $101 worth of insect candy because it was free shipping on orders over 100 bucks." -- ThirstyDrunk
"I wanted a shark high on crack dumped into a piranha tank! I wanted college AD's to pull their human faces off, then dive at each other's lizard throats!" -- waahoohah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q01p7k6T ... e=youtu.be
"I wanted a shark high on crack dumped into a piranha tank! I wanted college AD's to pull their human faces off, then dive at each other's lizard throats!" -- waahoohah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q01p7k6T ... e=youtu.be
Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
Why do African people have thin arms and plump bellies?
- too much food and not enough work.
- too much food and not enough work.
Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
Aye, I have a collcetion of those and similar in my mind I will surely not post here.Bur wrote:Why do African people have thin arms and plump bellies?
- too much food and not enough work.
Lets stay classy!
One at a time is ok with me, just don`t make it a trend folks.
Go on.
Drink!
- Frankennietzsche
- Juicing Like Jackie
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- Contact:
Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your porch?
Matt
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your wall?
Art
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob
Matt
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your wall?
Art
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob
“Süßen witwe Mutter-Hosen — kommst du hier mit mein knackenpfeife schnell, oder Ich zeige Ihnen mein Zuhälter Hand!”
"I am going to pistol-whip the next person who says 'shenanigans' "
"Rectum? It nearly killed him!"
"I am going to pistol-whip the next person who says 'shenanigans' "
"Rectum? It nearly killed him!"