The Crappy Jokes thread!

[oettinger]

After a news years eve party a drunk stumbles towards his car when a cop stops him.
"Do you really want to drive in your condition?"

"What do you mean by "Want to"? I have to, I can barely walk!"

[Lush City]

A very crappy Christmas joke:

A coroner called a private eye buddy of his. He tells Sam to come down to the morgue right away to see something very amazing. Sam shows up and the coroner takes him into a lab where there is a body laying on a table face down. The coroner pulls back the sheet and Sam sees a cork in the corpse's butt. The corner pulls the cork out and they hear, "Jingle bells, jingle bells". The coroner puts the cork back and looks at Sam. Sam is like WTF??? The coroner pulls the cork out again and they hear, "Jingle bells, jingle bells", and the coroner puts the cork back. He looks at Sam and asks what he thought. Sam looked at the coroner and said, "You called me all the way down here to listen to some asshole sing Jingle Bells?!!!"

Yeah, there is always some asshole singing Jingle Bells somewhere.
http://www.drunkard.com/bbs/viewtopic.p ... s#p1119654

[Grumpy]

I'm just so sad that I can't tell a joke. I mean, I hear one, and I want to share it, and I try, but then I have to say, "Oh yeah. I meant it was a green parrot. And the farmer was wearing red overalls. So it's killed, right there.

[mistah willies]

I've always enjoyed a good tale, with laughs at certain places, and a good ending. Certainly, there are welcomed spots in our enjoyment of comedy for non sequitur by Rodney Dangerfield, and the original sharp shooter: Henny Youngman, and ]Stephen Wright, and of course, the late great Mitch Hedberg .


A good tale is the exploration of a single subject. There are many in the field now. Here's one.
This dude invented voice over for movies and such. Good friend, that there BLR. Only 111 views, so give him some love by checking it out. Help a bud make a dime.



.

[Rev. Dead Corpse]

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'

Cruz says, 'We're planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Trump turns to Cruz and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.’

[mistah willies]

Now THAT is a hell of a double entendre joke, a two-edged sword. The joke itself is very well crafted for several reasons.

1. It is highly offensive, as any really good Crappy Joke should be, and if it is timely, then it kills (no pun inended).

2. Double entendre: Ultra-conservatives would agree with the death of 140 million folks who are not Roman Catholics, and praise the choices of the two men who speak of inciting a third world war. This means that they would nod in agreement to the joke and laugh.

3. Liberals of mind would find shock and horror, but then see the joke in a completely different light. Then they would agree that Lazy, Fat, North 'Murricans care nothing about the death of innocents when there are some big titties to watch out for.

Helluva a joke there: a political indictment of both sides!

Double entendre indeed.

[Lush City]

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
...

LMAO!

[oettinger]

What`s the last thing that goes through a drunkards mind when he falls on his face?

His vodka bottle.

[Lush City]

Wasn't going to do this but hell, it made me laugh.
So...
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

Yeah, this is the post that started it all. Just a total rage. How do you live with yourself when you are a such a raving genius. Just let me have it if you don't agree. Would love to hear from you.

\

[Chloe78]

hahahaha xD

[Amber77]

definitely the perfect title xD

[mistah willies]

hahahaha xD

definitely the perfect title xD

Welcome aboard, people with numbers after their names!

This place is the original and best place to give honor to the enjoyment of elixir.

We may be Drunk often, but we are always Modern Drunkards, proper.

Why not check out the Magazine?

Yes, there is a magazine. It rocks quite nicely.




Cheers!

[Lush City]

Hey, did a Google search for 'crappy bar jokes' and this thread came up first! Amazing! Or were they rigging the search for me? It can get very spooky especially when you do searches at amazon. They catalog everything you do. Time for a double shot just to stay current.

[JimLahey]

Nurse says to the doctor "Kiss me"
Doctor says "no"
"Please kiss me" begs the nurse
Doctor says "Listen I probably shouldn't even be screwing you"

[oettinger]

Nurse says to the doctor "Kiss me"
Doctor says "no"
"Please kiss me" begs the nurse
Doctor says "Listen I probably shouldn't even be screwing you"

hahahahahaha

hahahahaha
hahahaha
#
ghaahahagahahaha


Were have you been at all the time btw?