The Crappy Jokes thread!

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Lush City
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Christmas Jokes

Post by Lush City »

Put all your Christmas jokes here.
This is mine.

A coroner called a private eye buddy of his. He tells Sam to come down to the morgue right away to see something very amazing. Sam shows up and the coroner takes him into a lab where there is a body laying on a table face down. The coroner pulls back the sheet and Sam sees a cork in the corpse's butt. The corner pulls the cork out and they hear, "Jingle bells, jingle bells". The coroner puts the cork back and looks at Sam. Sam is like WTF??? The coroner pulls the cork out again and they hear, "Jingle bells, jingle bells", and the coroner puts the cork back. He looks at Sam and asks what he thought. Sam looked at the coroner and said, "You called me all the way down here to listen to some asshole sing Jingle Bells?!!!"

Yeah, there is always some asshole singing Jingle Bells somewhere.
Found myself in the Matrix and took the red pill. Now I want the blue pill and my bottle and leave me alone.
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Re: Christmas Jokes

Post by Resident Asshole »

What's the worst part about office Christmas parties?

Looking for a job the next day.
Bourbon is my blood.

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Re: Christmas Jokes

Post by Palinka (RIP) »

Not a joke, per se, but a definite candidate for winner of the "Snow sculpture of the Year" award...

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Re: Christmas Jokes

Post by Frankennietzsche »

What's brown, smelly and sounds like a bell?

DUNG!

Funny, no? In Russian, jokes laugh at YOU!
“Süßen witwe Mutter-Hosen — kommst du hier mit mein knackenpfeife schnell, oder Ich zeige Ihnen mein Zuhälter Hand!”

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"Rectum? It nearly killed him!"

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Re: Christmas Jokes

Post by Lush City »

frankennietzsche wrote:What's brown, smelly and sounds like a bell?

DUNG!

Funny, no? In Russian, jokes laugh at YOU!
They are all laughing at me.
Found myself in the Matrix and took the red pill. Now I want the blue pill and my bottle and leave me alone.
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Re: Christmas Jokes

Post by Palinka (RIP) »

For anyone driving home for the holidays...

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"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
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Re: Christmas Jokes

Post by General E. Fubar »

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Re: Christmas Jokes

Post by Lush City »

Palinka wrote:For anyone driving home for the holidays...
LOL!
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Re: Christmas Jokes

Post by beerkegbilly »

There was has a kid who never heard a swear word before.
so his foster parents here fighting the dad called the mom a bitch. the mom called the dad a dick head later the kid asked the dad what is a bitch dad another name for house guest . the kid asked his mom what is the a dick head another name of a house guest so his dad was shaving and he cut his self and goes oh shit the runs up and said what is shit the dad said it is a other name for what shaving off then the dad get lost you little bastard
so he runs along to his mom his mom is carving the turkeyand then she cuts her self and goes oh fuck the little boy what is fuck a other name for what happen to me. There is a knock on the door so the little boy opens the door and said hello
Bitch and dick head my dad is shaving the shit off his face and my mom got fucked turkey and now she is bleeding and I'm a bastard.

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Re: Christmas Jokes

Post by Mr. Viking »

beerkegbilly wrote:There was has a kid who never heard a swear word before.
so his foster parents here fighting the dad called the mom a bitch. the mom called the dad a dick head later the kid asked the dad what is a bitch dad another name for house guest . the kid asked his mom what is the a dick head another name of a house guest so his dad was shaving and he cut his self and goes oh shit the runs up and said what is shit the dad said it is a other name for what shaving off then the dad get lost you little bastard
so he runs along to his mom his mom is carving the turkeyand then she cuts her self and goes oh fuck the little boy what is fuck a other name for what happen to me. There is a knock on the door so the little boy opens the door and said hello
Bitch and dick head my dad is shaving the shit off his face and my mom got fucked turkey and now she is bleeding and I'm a bastard.
for some reason this reminds me of this joke by lemmy
"I spent all of my money on cars, women and booze, the rest of it I squandered" G. Best

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Re: Christmas Jokes

Post by beerkegbilly »

well it's a really old joke man I heard at age 8

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The Crappy Jokes thread!

Post by Lush City »

Wasn't going to do this but hell, it made me laugh.
So...
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

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Re: Not another bar joke?

Post by Palinka (RIP) »

Sounds like, One for the Frog's godsdamned, late, simian "life-partner". Fucking animal once ate my (full) glass, at the Sherlock (and the ape wasn't much better).
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
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Re: Not another bar joke?

Post by treetop »

pirate walks into a bar with a big old ship's steering wheel sticking out of the front of his swashbucling pants.
(as a pirate, swashbucling pants are requisite.)
barman says, "oi, doesn't that bother you?"
pirate responds, "yar, it's driving me nuts."
.
.
.
.
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!

Post by Palinka (RIP) »

Thanks, treetop. Now I've had to retitle the thread.


I blame this on you, you know?!!
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Kindly listen to this, please.
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