The Hole

[Dear Booze]

Today, The Hole is proud to offer Free Beer to everyone. It's our way of saying thanks to everyone who has no job and no money and will not contribute to the local, state, or federal economy.

So come on in and have as many beers as you can drink, then, take some to go too.

Thanks for you patronage and be sure to tell the bartender you heard of us on the Dr Crane show.

Restrooms are reserved for paying customers only. If you need to pee, go on the side of the Shed. If you need to shit, go to STB&G.

[Dear Booze]

Today, and every other day, for eternity, The Hole is proud to provide Free Cash to everone who orders a free drink.

[Badfellow]

Today, and every other day, for eternity, The Hole is proud to provide Free Cash to everone who orders a free drink.

Good evening, barkeep. I'd like to order 4,500,000 kamikazes, please. Just put it in a tanker truck and send it on over to Shit Talkers Bar, Grill & Sex Palace.

[Lush City]

Today, and every other day, for eternity, The Hole is proud to provide Free Cash to everone who orders a free drink.

There you go. More of that drunken wonderland talk infiltrating this website and hypnotizing the innocent. If only it were real. I would be in paradise. Keep your hands off my wallet!

[Badfellow]

Gonna grab me a bottle and hold her tight
Why wait to stick my dick until the middle of the night?
Have another shot of Beam and a slice of hair pie
'Til her clit pokes out my goddamn eye,

(work in progress)

[Artful Drunktective]

Gonna grab me a bottle and hold her tight
Why wait to stick my dick until the middle of the night?
Have another shot of Beam and a slice of hair pie
'Til her clit pokes out my goddamn eye,

(work in progress)

Oh so this must be the "banned" explicit lyrics version. Just beware and HOPE that Dear Booze doesn't 'bring it'. He does the best Afternoon Delight in the entire world.

[Badfellow]

Wait, I might have overstumbled my boundaries here and mixed this up with a Merle Haggard tune.
Nope, nope, wait. It's definitely The Starland Vocal Band (who were liars because that guy who looks like disco William Fitchner plays the acoustic guitar; fucking liars, anyway)... definitely The Starland Venereal Band.

Mess with the Starland Vocal Malt Liquor Bull and you get the horns.

No.

Mess with the Starland Vocal Crue and-

Okay.

How about a nice, greasy Starland Pork Sammich served in a dirty ashtray?

Fuck. Okay.


-"Please don't disturb my friend Oettinger; he's dead tired listening to the Starland Wocal Band.
-Abraham Schwarzenegger




***

[Lush City]

You bastards never learn!
They got laid and you didn't...
Humble Pie-30 Days In The Hole
https://youtu.be/sdXjm8pZMws

[Dear Booze]

Today only, THE HOLE is proud to honor our community's senior citizens with our first annual SENIOR CITIZENS HOLIDAY BINDER.

That's right, from 11 AM to 1 PM, all seniors over the age of 65 will be treated to a beer of our choice. Plus, there will be raffle prizes, cookies, fake turkey, games, songs, and an appearance by Ol' Saint Jimmy himself.

We've loaded up the jukebox with Miller, Crosby, and Goodman. So come on down and party like it's 1950! We may even have a few race records (shhhhh don't tell the cops).

Be sure to check out the photo booth, which doubles as a fuck chamber for all you horny old fuckers.

While you are here, be sure to sign up for Lifelock, Medalert, and a reverse mortgage, We also have diabetes screening available courtesy of the Wilford Brimley Foundation.

Without letting tbe cat out if the bag, so to speak, there will also be a big surprise. Many of the seniors in our community have been identified by lawyers of a recently deceased, and very wealthy, prince as benefiiaries of said prince's estate. That's right, you may walk away with a shit ton of cash! So be sure to bring a checkbook, all your credit cards, social security number, routing numbers, deed to your house, and whatever cash you have. The only thing we will require is a sample of your signature. And that's it. Easy. You can be as wealthy as a fucking Rockefeller.

Due to a recent ruling on the historic nature of our building, The Hole is not required to meet Americans With Disabilities standards as they apply to accessible doorways, ramps, restrooms, and other architectural and design features. So if you cannot get in The Hole, you are out of luck!

[Badfellow]

This sort of geriatric pandering jibber makes me sick to the very bottom of my rotten guts. You should be ashamed. You should also invite Thirsty Drunk. He's old and senile, and after he gets a couple of Zimas under his suspenders you can talk him into just about anything.

[oettinger]

With the international disgrace of drunskull, I am shitface

[Artful Drunktective]

On my way to the Hole. What is the Drunkard specials for the day? Connie Prawns?

[ThirstyDrunk]

This sort of geriatric pandering jibber makes me sick to the very bottom of my rotten guts. You should be ashamed. You should also invite Thirsty Drunk. He's old and senile, and after he gets a couple of Zimas under his suspenders you can talk him into just about anything.

Yeah you chuckleheads think you're funny, but I'm the one laughing as I count the money I save with my AARP card, laughing as you punks struggle through puberty trying to figure out your goddam true gender identities. Now get the fuck off my lawn before daddy gets out the razor strap.

[calx]

Thirsty is not old!!

(He's distinguished.)

[oettinger]

Thirst is on to something not containing booze, very odd.

His gender would be old teabegg bitter punchdrunk