The Hole

[Badfellow]

I heard that Dear Booze still sucks on his binky, even when he's not wearing a diaper.

His wife said she's no longer willing to change his poopy Depends, so these days he's pretty much wearing them all the time.

[Bubblez]

What? No Easter specials?

[Badfellow]

Yeah, I thought the Hole would be doing some sort of Easter bullshit. Fuck this place. I'm going to TGI Friday's.

[Dear Booze]

Today at THE HOLE don't miss EASTER SUNDY CELEBRATION OF LIFE ANEW

Yep, we all thought regular patron Jesus Lopez died on Friday afternoon after he drank 33 Rusty Nails, a shot of Crown, a Boody Mary, and a pint glass full of Double Cross Vodka. His last (coherent) words were "it is finished". Soon after, Jesus slumped over the bar and passed out and eventually stopped breathing.

Just before 5:00 P.M., a small group of customers moved his body to the storage closet, locked the door, and continued drinking. "There's a limited number of stools in here," said Marcus Pontius Pilatus, the regular who suggested the moving of Jesus' body. "That fucker was dead drunk and didn't need to be taking up valuable bar space... Fuck 'em!"

On Saturday morning, employees and customers began to smell a "terrible odor" coming from the storage closet.

"We figured Jesus was dead for sure," announced Shitfinger Shelly, day shift bartender. "We figured we'd dump the body in the neighbor's roll-off bin on Monday morning before the trash hauler showed up.

But this morning, when Shtfinger showed up for work, she found the storage closet door open and saw Jesus sitting at the bar, undrunk as a priest, nursing a glass of Manischewitz.

"It's a fucking miracle," exclaimed one patron, known only as Peter.

But others were not so quick to go as far to proclaim any sort of quick recovery by someone who clearly suffered from acute alcohol poisoning. One customer, known only as Thomas, said "I highly doubt that Jesus was as drunk as they say. He was probably just sleepy."

Regardless, Jesus is here, Come down and buy him a drink.

[Badfellow]

It's a Hole-y miracle.

[mistah willies]

^ ^ ^

Bacchus bless us every one. Such a beautiful story from the real testament. A round stone for the house! Let's get drunk in remembrance of trying to forget everything else.

Mmmm. Drink. It's Propah.

[oettinger]

^ ^ ^

Bacchus bless us every one. Such a beautiful story from the real testament. A round stone for the house! Let's get drunk in remembrance of trying to forget everything else.

Mmmm. Drink. It's Propah.

Forget what?



I thought this was sodomize sunday, or was it next week?

[scream ale]

^ ^ ^

Bacchus bless us every one. Such a beautiful story from the real testament. A round stone for the house! Let's get drunk in remembrance of trying to forget everything else.

Mmmm. Drink. It's Propah.

Forget what?



I thought this was sodomize sunday, or was it next week?

That was last weekend.

[oettinger]

Last weekend? Damn I missed it, I had frontrow seats at the bar for the annual liverbeating-contest

[Lush City]

TONIGHT ONLY THE HOLE IS PROUD TO BRING YOU GERBER CLASS GLADIATOR CONTESTS!

That's right motherfuckers, come on down to the world's best bar in the universe and witness a full night of brutal fights involving toddlers and infants.

Witness the Playpen of Death. Two babies crawl in, only one crawls out!
Marvel as these less-than-pint-sized brawlers slam their not quite fully-formed fists into the soft fontanels of their opponents.

As an added bonus, management is honored to bring to you, for the first time outside of Germany and Florida, Baby Beast Wrestling. Three brave toddlers take on one wild bobcat in a fight to the death.

Get here early for the pre-event drinking contest. Ten lucky toddlers will each consume a pint of Malibu Rum "the Rum fit for all little accidents AND bundles from heaven", guests may then bet on which little one will be the last to continue toddling.

The event features endorsements from both Dr. Benjamin Spock and Don King.

Admission is free with a 37 drink minimum.
No flash photography.
Remember, The Hole is a classy place. No gang attire, backwards hats, team colors, sports team logos, or flip flops. Customers must bring their own glassware and mixers.
Due to another outbreak of scabies, fucking in either of the two toilet stalls is limited to three minutes at a time.

You crazy man!

[mistah willies]

...Customers must bring their own glassware and mixers...

You crazy man!

Low overhead, indeed. Teabags are extra!

[Lush City]

The Hole where anything goes. So try this song on and maybe you will fly.
Old Devil Moon (Frank Sinatra - with Lyrics)
https://youtu.be/unMxHSpvzoE

[Dear Booze]

Unlike Shit Talkers Barf and Grill, and The Shed, THE HOLE Strives for INCLUSIVENESS in all we do. For you racist, unamerican assholes, this is the practice or policy of including people who might otherwise be excluded or marginalized, such as those who have physical or mental disabilities and members of minority groups. We refuse to follow the likes of Calvin Q. Hallmark, who invented holidays in an effort to sell greeting cards. In short, we will not stoop to tactics of these less-than honorable drinking establishments to sell a few beers.

Today, we will be happy to serve those who do and/or do not identify as mothers and there are many activities for all to enjoy.

Don't miss the Becoming a Mother Educational Session where non-mothers will be available for one-on-one and group sexual intercourse.*

For those who do not identify as having the ability to produce a child, you will enjoy the Sexo con Hombre Cantina located in the former mop closet, next to the hot water heater that has not been operational for 18 months.*

For those who do not identify as adult, we have a special Touched by an Angel marathon that is sure to please. Angel Sanchez, assistant prep cook, on loan from STBG, has taken the day off work to ignore the 100 foot rule as prescribed by Judge Daniel Druff to touch the shit outta your "under-aged" under carriage.

For those who do not identify as anything we've ever heard of, come on in and we'll make fun of you just as much as we will make fun of anyone who identifies as something different than you. If you choose to participate in any activities that are, or are not on this list, please let us know and we will figure out a way to molest you.**

So come on in and buy some fucking drinks. Remember, we won't judge.

* Participants, you are encouraged to stick around 'till midnight to find out if you are one of the lucky winners of a brand new STD.
** Participants may be asked to explain, describe, act out, pantomime, sketch, or otherwise provide instructions as to how molestation should be performed so as not to offend.

[oettinger]

As a disabled racist I am feeling singled out now

[Badfellow]

Just a shout-out to all you short bus riders and flipper babies from your friends at #STG&B.

Receive a steep discount on our steep prices when you pawn your Special Olympics medals with us. Punch the bartender at The Hole in the face for more details!