The Hole

[Hugh]

oh fuck I'm drunk. delete my posts

[Badfellow]

For Cinco de Mayonnaise, do you think I should wear the vintage green La Migra windbreaker? Or the blue current issue Immigrations and Customs Enforcement windbreaker?

[oettinger]

Is the hole still open?

[Badfellow]

This place sucks worse than TGI Friday's, Ruby Tuesday's and Fuck Me Six Ways From Sunday's combined!

I'd rather go to a Bon Jovi concert on thorazine. Worst hole ever!

[peetie44]

I understand that Jimmy Lester has opened a new place called The Hole. It was originally another bar - a "specialty" bar - called The Man Hole. He was too cheep to spring for a new sign, so he just removed "Man". He's busy setting up a poo table and patching the curious knotholes in the restroom.

I also heard that customers will be served by flair bartenders who are guaranteed to be drunker than them; there will be a naturally heated swim-up bar; and entertainment will include real live cock fights (the latter may be a hold-over from the previous establishment.

“The Manhole” was the name of a Hollywood CA bar, back in the ‘70s.

“Cocktails”, indeed.

[Dear Booze]

This week only, The Hole is proud to bring you the one and only Belt Your Boss promotion.

Starting Monday night, simply bring your boss to the Hole for "a quick beer" at lunch or after work. Tell him or her that you want to "run a few ideas past him that you believe will 'enrich the overall efficiency of the global operation'". Also tell him that you'll buy the beer.

Once inside, our highly trained staff will place a pillowcase over his head and begin to mercilessly torture and beat your boss.

How long will this torment last? Well that's up to you. Choose the package that best suits your needs:

Basic Beating Package: Includes a 15 minute pummeling with the guarantee of no broken bones. $150

Deluxe Package: Includes 15 minutes of slapping, a minimum of ten closed-fist punches, and a guarantee of at least one broken metacarpal and/or phalange. $300

Super Deluxe Package: Includes 15 minutes of slapping, a minimum of ten closed-fist punches, and a guarantee of at least one broken metacarpal and/or phalange, and a 30 minute water boarding session. $600

Xtream Package: Includes a 30 minute beating with a blue aluminum baseball bat, guarantee of at least one broken radius, ulna, tibia, or fibula, and visible bruises on face and neck. $1,200

I Fucking Hate My Boss and I Really Want to Ruin His Life Package: Thirty-two hours of psychological torture (includes water boarding and the periodic use of plastic bag covering his head; at least one missing finger, toe, or ear; and your choice of one (1) a la carte item of your choice. $9,227

A La Carte Menu:

Dog Rape: $267.39

Electric Cattle Prod to Genitals: $47

Removal of Fingernails with Pliers: $97.50 per finger

Frame your boss for murder: $3,647

Complete photo album of your boss fucking a live chicken (to be used as blackmail at later date): $1,995

Murder: Call for quote

[Lush City]

Dear Booze, please stop because you are killing me. I'm getting a hernia from laughing already, so I might sue you. Be warned!

[mistah willies]

Dear Booze, please stop because you are killing me. I'm getting a hernia from laughing already, so I might sue you. Be warned!

It's a good 'un, that it is!

[Badfellow]

What's the going rate for shoving the World's Best Boss coffee mug up their ass?

And $47 for an electric cattle prod to the genitals seems kind of cheap. My chiropractor charges me at least $100 per session.

[scream ale]

Wow...what a hole.

[Bubblez]

What's the going rate for shoving the World's Best Boss coffee mug up their ass?

And $47 for an electric cattle prod to the genitals seems kind of cheap. My chiropractor charges me at least $100 per session.

It's cheap because it's fun

[Nausea]

What's the going rate for shoving the World's Best Boss coffee mug up their ass?

And $47 for an electric cattle prod to the genitals seems kind of cheap. My chiropractor charges me at least $100 per session.

You have to break the mug once it's up there. I saw this on a video on the Internet once.

[Lush City]

The Hole is the only thread where you contribute and get nothing in return. Just keep digging. Maybe discover truth!

[Dear Booze]

Thanksgiving Day Party at The Hole. Come get your Free Ice

It's Thanksgiving. Fuck. If you are a red blooded American, you can't stand the thoughts of spending the day with sisters, aunts and in-laws. Or polishing the good silver or trying to entertain nephews and nieces while the "grown ups" do grown up sruff.

You need a drink. Or ten.

The Hole has you covered.

A few hours before guests are to arrive, make the announcement, "Shit, we're going to need more ice! I'll run to the mini mart to puck up a couple bags."

Then, head to The Hole and find all of your friends who are also looking to escape their families and connect over drinks. We'll make sure to get you drunk enough to deal with your family waiting back home.

It’s a big day. A festive day. A heavy-drinking kind of day that comes with its own unique challenges and potential pitfalls. But lucky for you, we’re here to help out with a guide and an alibi to make it through one of the worst days of the year.

Be Prepared. Just like the Boy Scouts. Know what you’re getting yourself into before you walk into The Hole. Bring some extra cash, your phone, enough meth for everyone, a sharp knife — whatever you think you might need. There's always the chance that everything will go sideways at any moment.

You are an alcoholic superhero. Drink fast and drink a lot. It’s not a Marathon, It's a Sprint. You don't have much time.

Buy a round or two and ask the bartender to see that special bottle up on the top shelf.

You know that old rule about beer before liquor or whatever? Bullshit. Mixing wine and spirits? Totally fine. You know who comes up with these old wives tales about drinking? Old wives.

Try New Things. Never shotgunned a beer before? Do it today. Never had a shot? Take off the training wheels. This isn't “Work Drink” — with a single cocktail with which you have become so intimately familiar and so wonderfully comfortable that your body just absorbs it like happy juice and goes on about its business. This is Thanksgiving Drunk! Down some straight mezcal or Vietnamese snake wine. Nothing says "Happy Thanksgiving, Motherfuckers" like the increased odds of waking up on a bus to Tijuana with a fresh face tattoo and a super-interesting new venereal disease.

Come with a plausible back-story for when you end up staying later than you planned. That point at which your loved ones begin calling hospitals after you go missing is also the point at which your day goes from a “delightfully blurry romp” to “thing that’s going to be brought up at the divorce hearing." Tell us the story, if it sucks, we'll help you work on it.

For an extra $45, we'll beat the shit out of you and steal your car and burn it. And then we will take your clothes and drop you off in a shitty neighborhood. Sometimes the thing for which you are most thankful is being able to say you got mugged, robbed, and/or carjacked.

Don't forget the ice.

[Badfellow]

"Don't forget the ice."

The funny thing is my father did the exact same thing thirty eight years ago to this day. Except it was cigarettes. Just before our annual Thanksgiving dinner of salted offal and pickled turkey beaks, dad said to mom "Shit, bitch. Did you smoke all my Pall Malls again? Now I gotta go to the muthafuckin store and git more."

Of course, he never came back.