Dr. Frasier Crane column - I'm listening!

[Artful Drunktective]

Doctor where did you get that pic from, I can`t remember wearing swedish drag

Well young and scuzzy sir, due to HIPPA regulations, I cannot share photos of you unless it is from my own private collection. I have the Swedish drag photos tucked neatly away in my rape chamber, I mean, file cabinet.

[mistah willies]

If I may field this question...

...Well, that's because you're going to invariably crave those creature comforts such as...

... a nice, warm, secure place to sit and read the Washington Post while you're pinching your Sunday morning loaf...

Indeed! That's the last car on the subway each day. The daily rag serves two purposes.

Ah, theenk you veddy much, good doctor.

[Artful Drunktective]

The weekend is upon us fellow drunkards. Please call in! Drunkards are listening! Let's all solve the world's problems!

[Dear Booze]

Hey, what's this shit about Kevin Spacy groping people in order to try to have sex with them? When did that stop being okay?

I thought that was the way it worked. You know, start putting the moves on someone and hope they're into it.

[Artful Drunktective]

Hey, what's this shit about Kevin Spacy groping people in order to try to have sex with them? When did that stop being okay?

I thought that was the way it worked. You know, start putting the moves on someone and hope they're into it.

Hello Dear Skank. Thank you for your call.

Did it stop being okay? As a reputable doctor, I must know these things as I would never want to be ...what shall we say...inappropriate. I shall consult my colleague, Dr. Huxtable. He's an expert in these things.



I actually had another caller yesterday state the very same thing. His actual words were "What are these people complaining about? I would PAY Kevin Spacey to put his hand on my balls". (True story).

I mean, these selfless assholes had Kevin Spacey - KEVIN FUCKING SPACEY!- grabbing their junk- for FREE -and now they are complaining about it?! And did they not know that you could kick Kevin Spacey in his own balls if you didn't want his hand on your junk? Why do you suppose that never happened? Because everyone wants Kevin fucking Spacey's hand down their pants, that's why. If anything, these people should be flattered!

Even someone such as yourself that has lengthy experience with inappropriate sexual advances knows that it's always okay to "start putting the moves on someone and hope they're into it". Isn't that called dating?



**For the record, I do not in any way, shape, or form, solicit or condone unwanted rape. It has to be willing rape only.

[oettinger]

willing rape only.

El Duce likes that


And for the record, Helen Hunt is a man and I feel sexually offended by her movies!

[Jimmy Lester {RIP}]

Hi Doc.

First time caller here. I also have never heard of your show. Well, that is until I saw an ad scratched into the paint on my car.

At any rate, if I were to kill someone, is there a good way to collect their social security and insurance money, and take ownership of all their shit?

I'm asking for a friend.

[Artful Drunktective]

Hi Doc.

First time caller here. I also have never heard of your show. Well, that is until I saw an ad scratched into the paint on my car.

At any rate, if I were to kill someone, is there a good way to collect their social security and insurance money, and take ownership of all their shit?

I'm asking for a friend.

Thank you for calling Jimmy Slutster. I'm flattered that my ad was scratched into your beat up Coupe Deville. Welcome to the show drunkard caller.

In this order I would advise:

1. Tell your friend to simply marry the person they want to kill.
2. Hire Dick Eagles, Esq. as your attorney to write up a will with you as the beneficiary of all their assets.
3. Watch several Lifetime movies on the ladies channel as they always have a plethora of ideas on how to kill spouses and obtain their money.
4. Kill him/ her someplace outside of your home so there is no forensic evidence.
5. Bury them in the desert. Ask Dear Booze if you need to know any good remote places.
6. Take a hot shower and burn all the clothes you were wearing. Maybe burn up the Coupe Deville while you are at it.
7. Put up missing signs of your "missing" spouse.
8. Pretend like you are a poor and devastated widower.
9. Call back in to my show so I can counsel and console you so I look like I am a good psychiatrist.
10. Collect insurance money and move to an exotic foreign tropical country.
11. Don't call me if you end up getting caught and ganged raped in prison as I will pretend I don't know you.

Now I am off to the Grande Re-opening Tailgate party at The Shed right after I watch it live on CCTV at the World's Favorite Bar & Place in the Galaxy, The Hole! Free cash and beer to all, come one, come all!

[Lmsduchess]

I'm new to this forum, but I love Dr. Frasier Crane; I'm listening,

I'm a student in Blighty (home to the great drunkard that was Churchill) who's seriously stressed, any advice doc?

Thank you for calling in LMDuchess. It is much appreciated!

In order to help you better, may I ask what particularly is stressing you out my friend?

First off, ignore the Oettinger and his response as we know that an obvious solution is to go to the drink for solace. That is always implied.

That aside, you mentioned you are a student. Is this school related?

I could advise you to mediate or do yoga and all these "therapeutic" activities that are supposed to make one feel stress free. It appears these things at times can be a tad blasé and often redundant. Sometimes we all just need a non-judgmental place to release our thoughts to lending ears and that is therapy in itself.

On that note, please feel free to let all out and you can count on us drunkards to help you have a better day! We are listening!

Thank you for your concern, I'm a student at Swansea University (Wales, UK), my problem is entirely university related, but my stress levels are nearly under control, my thanks to Oettinger for that advice!

[oettinger]

Thanks.
University, I remember. Don`t give a rat`s ass.That`s my sound advice.
It`s like driving school, I`ll drive with or without the liscense. So guys, go fuck yourselfes!


You`ll be fine. Trust us

[Badfellow]

Hey there, doc. I have problem. Well, it's not so much a problem as it is an annoyance. You see, there's these two bars across the street from mine. One is a neo-anti-hipster shanty ran by a board certified lunatic. The other is a scabies ridden shithole that would make a billygoat puke. Together, they're like a pair of leaches siphoning away my customers. Those freakin' marks should be spending their dough at my place instead, see?

Anyway, I guess my question is such as why the fuck can't we all just get along? Maybe sing a little Kumbaya around the fire at Shit Talkers Bar & Grill? Are we as a race of miscreant fuckwads doomed to a perpetual cycle of war and conflict? Is peace possible? Or is it merely an autumn pact brokered for the conquests of spring?

[Dear Booze]

Hello Doctor Crane,

Are you listening?

I have an issue that needs a little fixing. And I thought I'd share it with you in hopes you can help.

I manage The Hole, The Worlds Favorite Place in the Galaxy, and we are giving away free beer today and I'm wondering how this should be advertised. You see, we give away so much product that we don't have any money left for a marketing budget. How can I get the word out via radio?

I'll take my answer on the air.

[Artful Drunktective]

Hey there, doc. I have problem. Well, it's not so much a problem as it is an annoyance. You see, there's these two bars across the street from mine. One is a neo-anti-hipster shanty ran by a board certified lunatic. The other is a scabies ridden shithole that would make a billygoat puke. Together, they're like a pair of leaches siphoning away my customers. Those freakin' marks should be spending their dough at my place instead, see?

Anyway, I guess my question is such as why the fuck can't we all just get along? Maybe sing a little Kumbaya around the fire at Shit Talkers Bar & Grill? Are we as a race of miscreant fuckwads doomed to a perpetual cycle of war and conflict? Is peace possible? Or is it merely an autumn pact brokered for the conquests of spring?

Thank you for your call, Bungfellow. I'm listening!

May I begin by saying caller that no, we all just can't get the fuck along. Even people who actually sing Kumbaya fucking hate singing it and don’t get along. Yes we are a race of miscreant fuckwads doomed to perpetual war and conflict. Have you picked up a newspaper lately? No peace isn't possible. Oh wait- was I on the air?!

Anyway, I invite all successful bar business owners to call in as I have very little expertise in proprietorship. But I will advise to stop playing the blame game. Have you considered what YOU may be doing wrong at your establishment in order for your patrons to be driven away? Yes of course some are being siphoned away by free beer by a pair of leaches. You just have to sack up and make your bar better.

I know from personal experience that when a patron finds a bar where everybody knows your name, you never leave that establishment. As a matter of fact my calls are forwarded right now and I am taking your call at "Cheers" right now.



Some options are:

A. What can you do to make your establishment more inviting where people would want to stay? Do you need to call Jon Taffer from “Bar Rescue”
for a little reconnaissance to reveal the problems? Perhaps a revamp. Change the menu? Or the name? Change the clientele? Fire all your
useless employees? A disco ball? A dance floor? Fooseball tables? Stripper poles? All of the above? It sounds like a make-over is in order, Sir!

B. Take out a huge insurance policy and have one of your incompetent cooks have an “accidental” grease fire and burn the entire place down and
start from scratch. And please... move and reopen to a less blighted and higher end clientele part of town.

C. 1. Could you possibly find a way in your hearts to bury the hatchet and all become business partners?
2. Take out a huge insurance policy.
3. Hire Dick Eagles, Esq. as attorney to write you or her up as power of attorney if can, be an additional recipient of any insurance settlements
and as the beneficiary of all business assets should something… unforeseen happens.
4. "Accidentally" burn all establishments down- Mrs. O’Leary’s cow style – not Molotov cocktail style as tempting as that would be- and then
you don’t have any bars at all or at least, any to compete with, not to mention some extra money in your pockets to divide among all
involved parties.
5. Pretend you are devastated over the loss of the businesses.
6. Gleefully collect insurance policies, part ways, and open new bars elsewhere far far away from one another. People seem to like the Tiki
themes...sports bars...establishment with actual silverware.
7. Don't call me if you end up getting arrested for arson or insurance fraud thus ganged raped in prison as I will pretend I don't know you.

[Artful Drunktective]

Hello Doctor Crane,

Are you listening?

I have an issue that needs a little fixing. And I thought I'd share it with you in hopes you can help.

I manage The Hole, The Worlds Favorite Place in the Galaxy, and we are giving away free beer today and I'm wondering how this should be advertised. You see, we give away so much product that we don't have any money left for a marketing budget. How can I get the word out via radio?

I'll take my answer on the air.

Thank you for calling Stinkfinger Steve. Oh, I am listening.

I attended the festivities after my endorsement during my broadcast and it was indeed extremely"successful" in siphoning out patrons from neighborhood bars by throwing around dollar bills along with free tasteless and flat beer. Evidently this also occurred without patron usage of the on site restroom facilities since there were absolutely no paying customers whatsoever. Sounds like a cheap marketing success to me! And you didn't have to supply any toilet paper or paper towels!

I invite you to please call back in and update us on how it went from a manager's perspective. In the meantime, let us drunkards consider other inexpensive ways to market your bar. Perhaps The Shed would be so kind to reciprocate and broadcast a live CCTV from The Hole in exchange? Maybe have some donkey rides and some square dancing competitions? What would appeal to drunkards at The Shed enough to lure them away?
Normally I would suggest going to the streets and passing out inexpensive promotional material such as coasters or pens with the bar logo on it, but presumably a large percentage can't read or write while drunk. So try to post some picture event flyers next time for those who missed out or weren't listening to the broadcast. Just tack them up next to the missing persons and America's Most Wanted signs adorning the front of pawn shops, pay day loan stores, and utility poles and you will surely spread the word!

If I may add, that this was a special occasion and a lone favor for my friend Sam Malone (a bartender) who regularly visits these type of seedy establishments. I don't really participate in promos or personal endorsements for local businesses anymore as 'many radio personalities aren’t doctors and if I allow myself to become a common pitchman, I lose all my credibility. I am a wise man, a shaman'. But if you continue to give me an endless free beer tab at your watering hole, I may consider it. Hell! I may even leave “Cheers” for good!

Not to be a chronic windbag, but these things have backfired on me in the past as I once endorsed a Chinese restaurant called the “Hunan Palace”. I assumed that if I had a pleasurable experience, then I would endorse it to spread the word. So I ordered the Peking Duck and my date ordered the highly recommended Kung Pao chicken. It was a pleasurable experience so I promoted it on the radio only to discover after the fact that the Kung Pao chicken consisted primarily of alley cat meat. Needless to say...lesson learned. Thank you for calling, caller. Well, that’s it for today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane hoping we’ll see you tomorrow, on KACL 780 AM

Dr. Frasier Crane Show, 11th, November, 1993
"Did I say tasty? Tasty doesn’t do justice to those succulent pot-stickers. And the Kung Pao chicken – ooh, don’t get me started! So if you’ve got a yen for Chinese tonight, hurry on down to the "Hunan Palace.”

[Lmsduchess]

Thanks.
University, I remember. Don`t give a rat`s ass.That`s my sound advice.
It`s like driving school, I`ll drive with or without the liscense. So guys, go fuck yourselfes!


You`ll be fine. Trust us

Thanks Oettinger, I've calmed down sufficiently now. I'll hope you wish me good luck in my Semester abroad in Hong Kong.