Dr. Frasier Crane column - I'm listening!

[Artful Drunktective]

Post your problems here and we will solve them!!!

Toss salad and scrambled eggs!

[oettinger]

Badfellow won`t shut up on #drunkardskype

[Artful Drunktective]

OK I see the problem here. First off you hashtagged and you don't even know what hashtags are.

Secondly, this is what we love about the Badfellow so you are going to have to learn to live with it.

You're welcome, sir.

[oettinger]

#great thread

I Hope this catches on

[Lmsduchess]

I'm new to this forum, but I love Dr. Frasier Crane; I'm listening,

[ThirstyDrunk]

Hey Doc , first time caller, long time drinker, thanks for takin my call.
I met a couple at a party earlier, they come up and say out loud "Hey Thirsty! Can you roll?!" and everyone laughs. Now I'm kinda nervous about it because everyone is looking at me and I don't even know who this couple is. I don't have any idea, but apparently I met these people before and I did something funny that involved rolling?. They told me the story and i recall the event but not the minute details.
I laughed and took a drink. But it still bothers me that I may have had more fun than I recall.

[Artful Drunktective]

Hey Doc , first time caller, long time drinker, thanks for takin my call.
I met a couple at a party earlier, they come up and say out loud "Hey Thirsty! Can you roll?!" and everyone laughs. Now I'm kinda nervous about it because everyone is looking at me and I don't even know who this couple is. I don't have any idea, but apparently I met these people before and I did something funny that involved rolling?. They told me the story and i recall the event but not the minute details.
I laughed and took a drink. But it still bothers me that I may have had more fun than I recall.

Thank you for your call Mr. Thirsty. I'm listening.

What story did they tell you? In what frame of reference are they referring to you rolling- a joint? doing ecstasy? log rolling down a hill?

Everyone laughed?
You shoulda just turned around and laughed back at them. And pointed. They sound laugh worthy. "No YOU'RE the one who can roll!!!" and walk away pretending like you knew what they were talking about.

No but really, please Thirsty... find it in you to recall the minute details. Not only for our on-air pleasure, but just b'cuz. Inquiring minds want to know.
We want to know how you could have possibly had more fun than you can recall! That is of most importance!

[ThirstyDrunk]

Wow you're a lot of help.Thanks.

[Artful Drunktective]

You gots ta provide the details of how you were "rolling" sir!

Another possible response to those people:

"Yeah That's how I f'kin roll!"

[Badfellow]

Hey, doc. Thanks for listening.

I'm a heavy drinker and I've flipped my Dodge Viper at least twice tonight trying to call...

But my question is this: why do all these rainy taints want to turn a proper dive bar into a big, ol' sloppy glory hole? Is this a porn site? Are people not getting laid enough? And why aren't they drinking more? Am I insane? Where is my mind? Who am I? Why am I here? And what exactly in non-numeric terms is the meaning of life?

[Jimmy Lester {RIP}]

Rolling:
Joints?
Wheel Chair?
Rock and Roll?
Rick Roll?
"That's how I roll"
Roll with the punches?

Fuck. I wanna hear the goddam story.

[Artful Drunktective]

Hey, doc. Thanks for listening.
I'm a heavy drinker and I've flipped my Dodge Viper at least twice tonight trying to call...

Thank you for your call, Mr. Badfellow.

First off, may I address your heavy drinking? I don’t see the problem here.

Secondly, whether or not it is illegal in your state but may I recommend you adhere to the fact that many state laws have banned talking on the phone while driving for good reason. Especially if you want to keep that 1992 purple Viper of yours in pristine shape and flip free.

But my question is this: why do all these rainy taints want to turn a proper dive bar into a big, ol' sloppy glory hole?

Mr. Badfellow, these rainy taints you speak of are most likely experiencing some latent homosexuality, and that is why deep down they want to turn proper dive bars like let’s say hypothetically one called “The Hole” into a sloppy ‘ol gay bar. If they are successful and “The Hole” indeed becomes “The Glory Hole”, they will find comfort being around their own kind and not feel guilty about their deep rooted homoerotic fantasies. Lynyrd Skynyrd and .38 Special on the juke box will be replaced by a DJ playing Donna Summer and Frankie Goes to Hollywood. The Mint Jewlip cocktail will become the Mint Tulip. And the former clientele like Jimmy Lester will go back to old stomping grounds such as “Shit Talkers Bar, Grill, Pawn Shop, & Brothel”.
If I may share with you a moment that I used to frequent this bar called "Cheers" but then I got a divorce and moved away. I discovered this bar "COCKtails" (or "COCK n' TAILS" as the Seattle locals know it as) and I could never understand why I got hit on by men all the time. But, alas, the change was refreshing and it opened my mind to new adventures and possibilities. So rest assured my friend, the world won't come to an end if changes do occur then who knows, you may even like "The Glory Hole"! Give it a chance I say! That purple Viper will certainly come in handy!


Me at COCKtails circa 2003


Continuing on… and to answer your questions...

Is this a porn site? Are people not getting laid enough? And why aren't they drinking more? Am I insane? Where is my mind? Who am I? Why am I here? And what exactly in non-numeric terms is the meaning of life?

Is this a porn site you ask? Yes indeed. Have you seen Oldsmartskunk’s posts?
**Sidenote -He is also in the process of training for the DJ job at “The Glory Hole” with a lineup that includes Savage Garden, Roxette, and Jon Secada. Come check it out! I'll be there in my white squash uniform that is still too tight.

Absolutely people aren’t getting laid enough. If they were, they wouldn’t be hanging around at dive bars like “The Hole” in the first place. They would be at “Waterworld Whorehouse and Casino” at the very least.

Why the rainy taints aren’t drinking more is the most grievous of all offenses and should be taken quite seriously. Perhaps they should be banned from bars until they know how to behave like a proper drunkard. The proprietors of these establishments should also have it posted that "QUASI UNDRUNKS AND HALF-ASS DRUNKS ARE NOT WELCOME HERE" but we cannot control that. If they do show up, drop a roofie in their drink. Just for fun.

Are you insane? Yes. Yes you are.

Where is your mind? Inside the Ethyl Molecule of course.

The meaning of life in non-numeric terms is a 1983 British musical sketch comedy film written and performed by the Monty Python troupe, directed by Terry Jones.

And also to drink, live long, and prosper of course. And don’t be a red shirt - Star Trek style. Cheers!

[Savage]

Isn't Frasier the guy who had sex in an elevator while broadcasting? Vague memories of FEN, so I may be wrong.

[Artful Drunktective]

I'm new to this forum, but I love Dr. Frasier Crane; I'm listening,

Welcome Lmduchess! Please share what is on your mind. To quote the Great White Vanilla Ice...

"If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it".

Or...we all will try as a drunkard collaborative.

"Check out the hook while DJ Oldsmartskunk revolves it"

[Artful Drunktective]

Isn't Frasier the guy who had sex in an elevator while broadcasting? Vague memories of FEN, so I may be wrong.

Yes indeed I am the guy who has had awkward sex in a multitude of also awkward places!

Funny too that I have had scores of beautiful women but yet, never could pull it together and land one. I never followed my own "advice" I guess.

Please contribute often to this thread Dear Lady Savage as your sage and no b.s. advice is missed and more appreciated than the Doc's.[/color]