Today in my neighborhood...

[Thompson]

So you stumble into the bathroom, riddled with leprosy, and you sit on the toilet. It’s been how many days now? You sit there and push. Nothin’. You wish you would croak out but Oh No, we can’t have that, let’s make this fucker suffer. I don’t understand that. I’ve always been kind to strangers and stray dogs. I feed the cats. I do have several issues, but for crying out loud, the crime and punishment seems out of line. Today The Rolling Stones are going to sit down and play. Mick can sing. He is a sinGer. Plays the mouth harp real good too.

[oettinger]

That’s a dog in your signature, Oetts

It`s my mom, thanks




I`m joking. It`s a rat monkey from New Zealand, they have those creatures hanging from the trees there

[Thompson]

It’s a miracle, or something like a miracle. I’m sitting in my spot on the couch and staring at a blank tv because Bug stole the remotes, but she didn’t steal the remotes, I through the remotes across the room. I crushed the reading lamp. I threw the cane out into the street. It all came back to me piece by piece. Out of nowhere I thought, for Some unknown reason, of Jerry Jeff Walker. I wanted to hear Mr. Bojangles . I googled that and it came up with a live version of him and his band on Austin City Limits. He was young and undrunk (sort of) and I’ve listened to it like twenty times and my eyes are so red from the tears, they keep coming. It’s just impossibly good. Plus he looks a lot like Hugh. Handsome fucker.

[Thompson]

It’s more than all that. The narrator, Jerry Jeff, is lost in his own song, it’s like seeing a dog smile at you and wag his tail. It’s even more than that. When he has Bojangles telling his story, about the honky tonks and traveling around (cause he lives like he does) but it’s his language — he ends up behind county bars because “I drinks a bit.” That to me is brilliant. Bojangles doesn’t say ‘I drink a bit,’ no, he says I drinks a bit. And Jerry Jeff doesn’t say Bojangles laughed, no, he says, ‘and he Let Go a laugh’. That shit makes all the difference.

[Thompson]

You in a foul mood today, Thompson?

Yes.

What’s wrong, your best friend let you down?

He didn’t help. You know, he sends me his latest revision of his unpublished novel and I’m (once again) supposed to look for typos and make comments and send it back. I’ve already read the thing four times and I’ve got no more stomach for a fifth time. Now that I’ve learned how to puke, it adds to the misery.

Have you finished editing it yet, he says? That’s my only hard copy.

Yes, I say.

Can you please mail it back. That’s my only hard copy.

So finally I do mail it back. I found a typo on page one and that was as far as I could go.

I hurt his feelings. Nothing worse than a friend who’s feelings got hurt.

[Thompson]

I like this. I always tell the people that at Modern Drunkard message board you can post away without fear. There is no censorship. But there is. The moderates do not like the word ‘undrunk’, they change it to ‘undrunk’, that’s cool.

[Thompson]

See they did it again. You cannot say the word ‘sobre, they change it to ‘undrunk’. Who did that? Artful? That’s my guess.

[Nausea]

See they did it again. You cannot say the word ‘sobre, they change it to ‘undrunk’. Who did that? Artful? That’s my guess.

Artful is quite devious but not the culprit in this case.

Blame the Editor of MDM, slurred be his name, for programming it into the board itself.

[Thompson]

See they did it again. You cannot say the word ‘sobre, they change it to ‘undrunk’. Who did that? Artful? That’s my guess.

Artful is quite devious but not the culprit in this case.

Blame the Editor of MDM, slurred be his name, for programming it into the board itself.

It is sort of clever. The first time it happened to me, sobre to undrunk, I thought i did it. I drinks quite a bit you see and my hands scoot all over the key board of the phone, and if I’m undrunk my hands shake something fierce. So I said to myself, How did you do that, Thompson? That was good, sounds better.

[Thompson]

The cops came over just now and then left. No, I only had one beer left to last all evening. I didn’t offer a pull off the Taaka either. I kept the bottle hidden, and it looked like I was going to need every pull of that bottle for myself.

We are here Thompson, said the head cop, to assess your assets because you owe the city and hospital a considerable amount of money, and you’ve made no effort to pay. We work for a collection agency on our days off. Gonna let us in?

C’mon in, said Thompson.

Is that your car out front?

Does it look like it could possibly be my car? I don’t own a car. I owe a lot of money to Motor Vehicles, but fuck them and fuck that hospital too. Would you like to see my thick folder of past dues?

No, we came to assess your assets. You ain’t got a single one looks like to me.

I gotta couple books. I got a poetry book autographed by Hugh, and a couple record albums. Go ahead, look around. Take anything you want.

[Thompson]

The head cop, and I saw him, stuck a box of nicotine patches in his shirt pocket.

What, I said, You confiscating my nicotine patches?

Sure. Hey what’s this book, A Home to Crouch In? Got some scribble on the first page.

No don’t take that. You won’t like it. See how fuzzy his photo is? Take this first addition of Orchid the Famous. It hasn’t been published yet but this is a genuine first edition. I was responsible for typos.

Naw, no thanks.

Just then Chester came in from the back yard. He is a giant Pitt bull . I don’t like to put a collar or tag on him, I like him to be free. He has a big square head and shark eyes.

Hold Up! Said both cops at once.

It’s alright Chester, I said. These boys are just having a look see. They are assessing our assets.

Chester sniffed their crotches. They didn’t move.

[Thompson]

The Market on Magazine, in my neighborhood, is supposed to open at seven. Now this is a serious opening, because I am waiting outside looking up at the sky wondering what time it is. I have been Out of the Juice since I woke up and my mood is falling. Why do I let this shit happen? Why can’t I keep stocked up? But the girl shows up, Rosie is her name, and opens the door. I get enough Juice for today, tease Rosie a tiny, and make it, somehow, back home.

[Thompson]

The cops came back with the dog catchers.

How much you pay for that dog, Thompson, said one of the dog catchers?

Didn’t pay nothin’.

You got papers on him? We work for the collection agency on our off days too. He might be worth something. Ever fight him in the ring?

I thought about it. Never done it though. I’m afraid for the other dogs.

Where is he now? In the back yard?

Probly, he might be in the neighbors back yard. He likes to dig holes and cross over there. I wouldn’t put my hand under the fence though. He doesn’t like that.

[oettinger]

^^^ You should get an pet alligator. That will shut them up for good.


My neighbours seem to love the sound of their chainsaw, every damn sunny saturday that noise is blasting. I myself have a million better ideas what to do on a saturday afternoon, sawing shit aint one of em. Cheers

[Thompson]

^^^ You should get an pet alligator. That will shut them up for good.


My neighbours seem to love the sound of their chainsaw, every damn sunny saturday that noise is blasting. I myself have a million better ideas what to do on a saturday afternoon, sawing shit aint one of em. Cheers

Down here it’s the fucking lawn people. With their blowers. You can’t hear the tv. You go outside to tell them to quit with the blowers, you want to watch tv, but it don’t do no good, falls on deaf ears.

I had a terrible shock to my fragile system this morning. Woke up about five, no juice left. Put my shoes on and hobbled down to Ms Mae’s bar, a 24 hour bar since way before my time. The front door was locked. I tried the side door and it was locked too. I peered in through the window and saw the bartender behind the bar. I knocked loud on the glass to get his attention. He took his sweet time and came over to tell me they are closed. How can you be closed, I yelled? Good God, has the world turned upside down? We open back up at 9, yelled the bartender back, sorry.