Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health

[Thompson]

What’s your first name Thompson, said Badfellow?

I change it up. Right now I’m using Mumbles. I certainly don’t want to be confused with Hunter S. He is way out of my league. He is an artist.

Yeah, he’s pretty good, said Badfellow. More like he’s real good.

Yeah, Ladybug knows him, or has met him. I have to read Kentucky Outlaw by Hugh. I get the feeling there is going to be a connection.

Probably. All these artist go up into the sky and bring back the stuff they find.

That’s a good way to put it. I’m real glad you are my friend and head of the Gang, Badfellow. I don’t have to mumble when I talk to you. That means a lot to me. I bought a chicken salad sandwich for lunch today. Gonna try that out and see. I missed breakfast.

[Thompson]

Do you think all us drunks hate our mothers, said Thompson to Badfellow?

We’re not supposed to, said Badfellow. It’s okay to bad mouth them and put them down and tell stories, but we’re not supposed to hate them. They went through a lot of trouble to spit us out of their thing down there.

I can’t remember that far back. And I certainly don’t want to remember anything that has to do with my mother’s thing down there. So you don’t hate your mother?

I wouldn’t go that far, no, said Badfellow. I do hate my mother even though she’s dead. Since she got dead though, she doesn’t irritate me as much. You are too sensitive, Thompson. You need an acupuncture treatment.

Yeah? Where do I get that?

I don’t know, said Badfellow.

When we going to Head Cold to stake it out?

Right after breakfast.

[Thompson]

They rode the Harley into Head Cold. They had to stop at a petro station (they call gas stations petro stations in Alaska) to ask directions. It was around noon.

Sleepy looking town, said Badfellow.

Look, they got a bowling alley over there, said Thompson, and a pool hall right next door. The Head Cold Pool Hall it says. Love that Schlitz sign in the window.

There must be some kind of bowling tournament going on, look at all the motorcycles.

Let’s go in and get a Schlitz.

So Badfellow and Thompson went into the bowling alley and ordered a Schlitz and sat down at the bar. They eyed the jukebox but didn’t play anything. The bartender was an old grizzly looking guy, but his smile was infectious, his beard hairs sorta laughed on his face.

You boys here for the bowling tournament, said the bartender?

No, we just were passing through and saw that Schlitz sign. Thought we’d wet our whistles.

You should stick around because after the bowling tournament there’s a floor show. We got some good looking dancers here in Head Cold. Oh, here, have a Charleston Chew on the house. They gave us a carton free with our latest order.

Good God, whispered Badfellow to Thompson, We can’t heist a bank in this friendly town. Check out the bowlers, they got some cool looking bowling shirts.

Yeah, you’re right, Badfellow, we can’t heist no bank here. I’d like to stay for the floor show though, you?

I do. Let’s order a couple more Schlitz beers.

[Thompson]

Do you get a trophy if you win the bowling tournament, said Thompson?

A team trophy? Or a trophy for everybody on the team?

I was thinking about the stripper girls. We could enter them in the next tournament. And, this place is perfect for Hugh and the food truck. Have you tried his tacos yet?

Yes, I’m impressed with his tacos. His hot dogs are killer too. That bun warmer makes all the difference.

I’m sort of afraid the other stripper girls will fall in love and want to get married like Meenie did.

You can’t control that, Thompson, Badfellow said. Don’t worry about that. Besides, Head Cold seems like an ideal place to hang your hat if you get married. Got ya a real nice bowling alley and pool hall right next door.

Okay. Hey look! The floor show is about to begin.

[Thompson]

Guard Dog looked down in the dumps. C’mon boy, said Dix, let’s go down to the food truck and get us a hotdog. Hugh is in there experimenting on a new recipe.

So Guard Dog and Dix walked down the steps and went in to the food truck.

Howdy, Hugh, said Dix.

Howdy back, said Hugh.

Got some hotdogs ready to roll?

Sure do, help yourself.

Dix asked Guard Dog if he wanted a bun. Guard Dog shook his head No. They both ate a hotdog. Dix had a warm bun with his. Guard Dog wagged his tail, his mood improved.

Dix asked Hugh what he was working on. Sure smells good, he said.

I can’t tell you that just yet, said Hugh, because I don’t know myself. It’s lacking a spice, but I’m not sure which one.

Well, Guard Dog looked mopey so I gave him a hotdog.

Any time. I keep that machine turning.

Okay, see ya. Thanks.

See ya.

[Thompson]

Oetts and Nausea were playing checkers at the kitchen table.

Ever play chess, said Oetts?

No, said Nausea, makes me sick to my stomach.

You don’t eat pork, do you?

I ate it once. I ate a Jimmy Dean pure pork sausage patty.

How long ago was that?

Fuck, I don’t know, a long time ago. Why?

‘Cause I just ate one, and I’m wondering.

You didn’t eat it raw, did you, said Nausea?

Well, it says fully cooked. I put it in the microwave but the microwave is broken.

So you ate the pork sausage cold?

It’s a jimmy dean pure pork sausage. Says so right on the label. Yeah, I ate it cold.

No, Oetts, you read the label wrong. It says ‘fully cook’ the sausage before eating. Jesus, you eat bacon raw too?

Well, if I’m in a hurry.

Cut off the white part, the fat, do ya?

No, I thought the white part is what gives it flavor.

[oettinger]

Meet my friend Mettwurst

[Thompson]

So it was voted on by the Gang to quit going out for breakfast, and have breakfast instead in the food truck. Bug told Hugh she would help serve and try not to be a pain in the ass. Hugh glanced at her ass and felt a pain, but he cooked better, was more creative, when he felt a pain. Plus, he had found the spice that he needed for his new recipe. It was called All Spice. What he did, you see, was take his taco concoction and add All Spice and smother a slew of scrambled eggs and replace the tortillas with Texas toast. Everybody in the Gang loved it. The stripper girls got seconds. Nausea passed, he just ate some granola chips and drank a glass of soy milk. Dix and Guard Dog both had a hotdog to go with, without a bun. Badfellow just drank beer. Schlitz was his new brand. In bottled quarts.

[oettinger]

Nausea passed, he just drank a glass of soy milk.

But it was soy 101 atleast

[Thompson]

Badfellow was being stalked.

Who you being stalked by, said Thompson?

By a stalker, said ‘Fellow.

Boy or girl?

I don’t know, I never see this stalker. Probly a girl. You can always tell when it’s a girl. Plus I get these notes in the mailbox with girly writing.

Might be Hugh stalking you.

No, Hugh doesn’t write girly.

Ladybug maybe?

Hmm, that could be. But why would she stalk me?

She might could have fallen in love with you.

Why doesn’t she just come and give me a big smooch?

Christ, Badfellow, I don’t know any of that psychological stuff. I’m a thief. Let’s go get a Schlitz.

[Thompson]

I think you are the stalker, Thompson, said Badfellow.

Well, that’s nice of you to say.

Yeah, you are always telling me what I think and what I don’t think. Plus you have girly writing for sure. Why you stalking me?

I’m not stalking you Bad, it’s makes me sad to think that you think I’m stalking you. I follow you around, sure, ride on the back of the Harley, eat breakfast with you and stuff, play the jukebox. I had a girlfriend who accused me of having no boundaries. Why do you want to have a boundary, I asked?

[Thompson]

Thompson felt very sick. He had blood dripping out of his eyes and his right arm too. He decided never to eat anything again, except maybe a hard boiled egg and a slice of bread. He didn’t have no more friends, they all moved to California, or croaked out. He quit the Gang and left town.