Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health

[Thompson]

The strippers had changed their names - they went by Eenie, Meenie, Mienie, Moe.

Why did you change your names, asked Thompson?

So we can catch that fucker who stole a toe, said the strippers in unison.

Nothing wrong with their diet, thought Thompson, as he watched them do their exercises along with Jane Fonda on the telly. Oettinger was sulking because the rope now referred to him as the sluffer. Sluffing off again? was heard often by members of the gang, the rope. Oettinger wanted to cry but then the rope would call him the crybaby sluffer, which of course was worse than simply sluffer. Everybody did agree that there was plenty vodka on hand thanks to the crybaby sluffer Oettinger.

[Thompson]

It wasn’t Alaska this time boys, it was the hills and pills of Kentucky. The stomping grounds of Hugh way back when, before he had health insurance and became part of the ‘system.’ How much did you sell that sucker for, Hugh? Your soul that is. Well it’s a never mind and not part of the caper so the price is unimportant and irrelevant and a few more choice words Perry Mason likes to say. Erle Stanley Gardner is a damn fine writer and Badfellow has been pouring over his stuff, which is massive, looking for insight into jail breaks and diversions. The Bad Fellow was constantly chewing on a toothpick and making that face with his nose like Doc Adams makes. The rope was in pretty good spirits, Thompson noted. Certainly the climate is more suited to our clothes.

[oettinger]

Sluffer? Please find a better word to describe my whiny bitterness

[Thompson]

Sluffer? Please find a better word to describe my whiny bitterness

Actually I looked up ‘sluffer’ in the dictionary and there is no such word. Go figure.

[Thompson]

Nausea was playing his stereo that he plugs in, which is a good thing because Big Nate put a hammer hole in the TV and the Eskimo girls couldn’t do their Jane Fonda workout routine. But they soon took to the music by Nausea, and after dancing around and not having to look at Jane with her phony smile and health insurance issues became even better looking (if that is possible) than they were before. More sexy, less inhibited. The rope is going to need them on this caper. Oettinger volunteered to sew the girls all new stripper outfits, and Drunk Somewhere In The Europes got his video camera working (gotta plug that one in too) and was raking it in with thatviral video of Eenie, Meenie, Mienie, Moe doing Blue Suede Shoes topless, and with a lot of umph. That revenue was helping out with the enormous liquor bill and charcoal costs.

[Thompson]

The B side of Drunk And Falling Down All Over Europe’s video was even better. Hound Dog. The girls were sporting their new outfits and attitude (red white and blue) as they turned around and pointed their collective fingers at the video camera (DIE, aka Drunk In Europe, had a remarkable flair for choreography) and sang a real snarling “You ain’t never caught a rabbit and you ain’t no friend of mine,” before turning back around, and blessing all the viewers with that grand finale.

[oettinger]

Until right now I didn`t know that Jane Fonda had these big hooters. I`m very fond of em

[Thompson]

Thompson chimed in after he had a coughing attack and sucked on a Hall’s - “Listen, this is a covert operation with political implications so we cannot let the girls go on the Ed Sullivan Show.” They did, however, thanks to the connection with this Sanders fellow, or maybe his name was Parker, he was some kind of colonel at least, make a best selling live viral video (choreographed by DIE!). The most hits came with the girls’ video and dance moves to Heartbreak Hotel - - “Since my baby left me / I’ve found a new place to dwell / It’s Down the road on Lonely Street / Heartbreak Hotel”

“Ever heard of Hoyt Axton? Country and folk singer,”Asked Thompson? “Actually it was his momma who wrote the song.”

[Thompson]

All right, who we got on this caper? Badfellow, Oettinger, Nausea, Big Nate, Whiskeyprick, DIE, Scream Ale, and the Eskimo stripper girls. Good Lord they look good in their new red white and blue stripper outfits. If anybody was left out, and their feelings weren’t hurt, send a text to Thompson @ Granny.com.

My hands shake. I don’t mean like a hand shake but a concrete sign of a booze hound. Chesterfield, the Pit Bull, (he’s over 80 pounds now and ferocious) guards the front and tells me not to worry. “I’ve got your back,” He says. “Anybody fucks with you they gonna have to fuck with me.” I pet his woodle, he likes a woodle rub. His markings will scare shit out of grown men and fancy acting dames. For a natural born killer his breath is very pleasant. I call him Chester, and sometimes Chez, leaving the ‘field’ out (nothing worse than affectation in a grown dog) and about. You should see the stitches on my tongue. I don’t normally show the stitches on my tongue but when I get my new phone I will send a picture.

[oettinger]

Our dog stinks hardcore but his breath smells somewhat decent

[Thompson]

Ladybug is starving me out, trying to kill me I guess for the ten grand left in my account. Three years ago it was 91 grand in my account, but it’s gone now and I can’t find my pants. I can’t stumble out my place without pants. I think I’m down to under 90 pounds. I lie here naked on the couch and curse (violently) the day I let Ladybug into my life. Her blow jobs were never all that. Kinda sloppy really. I don’t like that slobbery noise. Now I’m starving to near death and I can’t find my pants. Wait, I found my pants but I can’t find my belt. I have some duct tape that might work, or a piece of cable wire. I’m thinking the signature wings ($14) and the street corn ($4.00) with a pint of dark IPA ale ($10). This place I’m heading to is the last place that will let me in. Jesus, I’m so hungry I could cry.

[oettinger]

Yikes

[Thompson]

Thompson told the Eskimo strippers that breakfast is the most important meal. Always get the big breakfast, He said to the girls. Get the sausage, scrambled eggs, toast and grits. Don’t get cheese grits as they tend to bind you a bit. A Budweiser (5%) is a good choice for the beverage. But you might want a Bloody Mary or some other vodka drink, so that’s okay.

“But I’m not hungry in the morning,” says Myra.

“Stay up all night, Myra,” says Thompson, “you will be hungry.” “And brush your teeth.”

Okay, say the girls, but why can’t we wait for a big steak for dinner? With a baked potato, side salad, and a Texas Toast?

Because you might not get that. You might get a dinky grizzly steak, a wilted salad (no dressing) and a piece of stale white bread without butter. You see, you will be waiting for something that never comes.

[Thompson]

Well, that makes some twisted kind of sense, Said the Eskimo strippers. Then we will have to get our T-bone steaks and baked potatoes with Irish butter and sour cream at breakfast. Where do we go for that, Thompson?

That’s what I want you girls to find out, Said Thompson. With all of your contacts and street smarts you all can find a good breakfast joint that specializes in T-bone steaks.

Then, said Thompson, after you have finished your steak breakfast, you can order one to go and bring it back here. Now, if they have as an option for home fried potatoes or home style hash browns, order me that, otherwise a double order of grits will work. Pick up a tall six of Budweiser too at the drive-thru beer store if you remember. Scrambled eggs go best with steak, but they probably won’t even ask.

[Thompson]

Okay, Boss, said the girls in unison. You don’t want a baked potato with sour cream and Irish butter?

Of course, but I don’t think those breakfast joints fool with baked potatoes. It’s not in their genes.

What about an orange juice? It looks like an orange juice might do you some good.

Okay. But an apple juice would be better, not so much acid.