Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health

[oettinger]

A few tins of sardines and Saltine crackers

That is so gag worthy. You live in hell and don`t notice it already

[Thompson]

A few tins of sardines and Saltine crackers

That is so gag worthy. You live in hell and don`t notice it already

It should have read, ‘two tins of sardines and a sleeve of Saltines.’ But fuck it, I just rest my head behind the bowling machines.

[scream ale]

A few tins of sardines and Saltine crackers

That is so gag worthy. You live in hell and don`t notice it already

I thought you loved sardines?

[Thompson]

Me and Matilda are very pissed off with this live music concert right outside the back of the Alley. It’s been going on now nonstop and only Beatles’ songs. I tried to go out there and tell them to knock that shit off, but there was a big crowd, or maybe a fake crowd, like a laugh track. I don’t know, I stepped in a mud puddle and went back inside.

[Thompson]

I mean, come on, ‘I want to hold your hand?’ How lame is that? And they keep singing that refrain. ‘I want to hold your hand.’ Bullshit. ‘ i want to get inside your britches ‘ is more like it.

Matilda arched her back and made another cat noise. I let her out into the back alley where she did a number 1 and a number 2. Good. Won’t need a litter box.

[Hugh]

Thompson! Where the fook are you? I don't want to celebrate no goddamb St Patrick ass day. Let's celebrate a real March holiday. St. Charley Pride Day! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZ25Zhy5PPs

[Thompson]

Thompson! Where the fook are you? I don't want to celebrate no goddamb St Patrick ass day. Let's celebrate a real March holiday. St. Charley Pride Day! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZ25Zhy5PPs

Kiss an angel good morning. Now that beats the hell out of I want to hold your hand. I’m right here, Hugh, hiding behind the machines. St. Charley Pride Day. Do you have to cook a special dish for his day? Like catfish and dirty rice? Gumbo and corn bread? Or just let it go and head to the corner saloon?

[oettinger]

Beautiful Hugh.

Thompson, what music shall we blast on the escape van? Keep it quiet and not celebrate too early? Questions...

[Thompson]

Beautiful Hugh.

Thompson, what music shall we blast on the escape van? Keep it quiet and not celebrate too early? Questions...

I tell you what, I like this new country guy Jackson Dean a lot. He’s got the sprezzatura and he’s not even 25.

Let me see if I can post his latest song. It’s a cover.

[Thompson]

No, forget it. There are too many things in the url. I can’t tell what I’ve written on my pad, is it an o, an 0, or an O? Don’t Come Lookin’ is a good getaway song. Some good lines — Got nowhere to go so I’m already there.


The cover he does is When a Man Loves a Woman.

I’ll see what I can do later. He’s got the stuff, but he seems to be getting skinnier. I’ll have to tell him about Hugh’s Diner on Airline Highway. Might get the Eskimo girls to work with him, tone him up some.

[Thompson]

Mona was a good bowler. She belonged to the woman’s league over at Hugh’s Bowling Alley just off of Airline Highway. Every Thursday there was a tournament. The problem now was her back. It hurt like fuck. She didn’t know what to do until this Thompson fellow came from behind the bowling machines and sat down next to her. He was old and scraggly looking, had this scraggly cat in his lap. He said, I was watching you last week when you almost rolled that 300. But you choked. Back problems?

Yes, I don’t know if it’s my posture or what. My dad would tell me to stand straight with shoulders back and stomach in, and sit straight too. He’s dead now. Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Sometimes I work the counter. You bought a frozen Charleston Chew from me.

Oh yeah. Say, are you the guy who used to be leader of that gang? Mose told me you used to be leader of some gang.

This is my cat, Matilda.

How do you do, said Mona.

Well, I just wanted to mention that these powdered aspirins help with back pain. I take the BC powders but Goody’s powders work as well. I happen to be an expert on pain. I don’t know if you know, but the brain does not remember pain.

Oh, c’mon.

Well, it remembers you were in pain, but it doesn’t remember the pain itself. Pleasure the brain remembers. That’s why we drink.

Oh, c’mon.

What is your name, by the way?

Mona.

Okay, try those powdered aspirins for your back. I have to get back to my post. There’s a ball stuck on lane 5. My name is Thompson.

[oettinger]

Do american bowling alleys only sell beer in general or can you also get real drinks?
I`m very curious because I never thought about this before.

[Thompson]

Do american bowling alleys only sell beer in general or can you also get real drinks?
I`m very curious because I never thought about this before.

Oh yes, the bowling alley I worked at all through high school had a full bar, with bar stools and a couple of tables. Now, you might be right about allowing hard liquor out of the bar and onto the lanes. I remember only beer bottles on the lanes.

[Thompson]

Everything was in bottles then. And you recycled the bottles with each new beer delivery. In with the new and out with the empty soldiers. Same with the sodas. All in bottles. So the beer and soda guys would deliver in cases and we would use those cases to put the empty bottles in. Nobody threw away a bottle.

[Thompson]

The cops finally showed up, not to bowl but to put Thompson in one handcuff (he had to use his other hand to hold his cane) and haul him downtown for questioning. There are eye witnesses, they said. Fred and Martha from the 86th precinct have plenty on him, they said. Ladybug has plenty on him, they said. Just look at him, they said.

Hey Fred. Hey Martha, said Thompson. Christ, he thought to himself, they sure have put on a few. Must be hanging over by Ladybug’s and eating her pasta puttanesca and ice cream sandwiches. He wouldn’t mind a bowl of pasta puttanesca.

Where is Ladybug, asked Thompson? No, don’t tell me I don’t want to know.

She misses you, said Martha.

Yeah, like you miss a toothache.
What’s this all about? There are balls stuck on lane 5.

We know you were involved in the heists. We picked up Nausea and he spilled the beans. We had to give him a rope burn, well two rope burns, before he fessed up and started naming names, well just one name, and that was you.

Oh.

What do you have to say for yourself?

I don’t know what to say for myself, shouted Thompson! How many people know what to say for themselves? Fred, do you know what to say for yourself? Martha, how about you? Lieutenant, said anything for yourself lately?

Thompson asked to use the men’s room before he pissed all over the interrogation room floor. He used to piss his pants if he couldn’t get to the toilet in time, but that was stupid. Now he just pulled his trousers down and pissed.