The Moscovite Challenge

Remember what happened last night? Good. Now tell the world.

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TheDrunkardAnglo
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Location: In that really rough dive bar that bloke told me not to go into

The Moscovite Challenge

Post by TheDrunkardAnglo »

There I was. Fucking Moscow Leningradsky Railway Station. I had taken the overnight Krasnaya Strela from St Petersburg to Moscow. Like a washed out member of the politburo. I was hungover, St Petersburg almost killed me. But this isn't the relatively open and metropolitan city of St Petersburg built on a system of canals making it very much similar to parts of Amsterdam. This is Moskva! Its serious, gritty and intimidating! I went to a place to pick up some local cuisine, effectively mashed up meat rolled into a crepe had a few cheap beers as I ate it and then started looking for a place to get hammered.

Robert, my drinking compadre, pointed to a pub opposite the Bolshoi. We go in. Its a fucking English themed pub. "What the fuck!" we say we didn't travel all of this way to go to a fucking pub that looks like a EDL (far right organisation) mancave. Still we get a few drinks and local Moscovite joins us. I don't recall his name. He talks about how he likes London, and travels there for the football. Sure, not great conversation, but i'll partake. He goes onto the topic of the relatively recent Football World Cup and how there were "faggots" fucking in the street. At this point we go "yeah thats not great" and try and reassure him that ok we're two men travelling all of Russia together, but we're a different type of fucked up. We want booze, to see the monuments of the former Soviet Union and Russian girls.

He passes that off, and we have four more pints. At this point he's showing pictures of himself at Milan pride for some reason. He's increasingly becoming more confrontational and more aggressive. I'm confused, I don't know if he wants to fuck me or fight me. I pay for the round and knock over a pint whilst I do it. Realising that i've been charged the equivalent of £8 a pint! "What the fuck!" I say, "this city is going to be much harder to get wankered in".

Next pub, similar theme, similar prices. What the fuck. As Englishmen, we're getting ripped off in our own themed pubs. "Robert, we need a fucking plan. We're shooting blind out here. We need a base with wifi so we can come to a solution for this. No fucking way are Russians paying these prices" We see a food type complex. Three restaurants and kind of cask beer joint only selling bottle beers. Go in works out to be about £1 a pint. Perfect. We're the only people in there sitting at the bar. Necking back these bottles of St Petersburg craft beer, almost always an IPA. Ironically with Elton John's Nikta in the background. A bit of trip advisor and bit of general suspicion leads me to think we're being charged a tourist tax. Simply for being non-russian speakers. My friend says "Ok fine, we'll walk into the bars we'll ask for the price before we pay if we don't like we walk". Perfect, a plan. We're getting pissed but ultimately we're too angry to worry about politeness any more.

Walk into the first bar, allegedly one of cheaper dive bars in Moscow. Go to the bar I say in my best Russian "Dvye Beer Pzhalsta" he obviously picked up my poor accent and asked me for my papers (as is the norm in Moscow when ordering drinks - they even ask Russians for their papers) I handed them over he gave them back and I asked how much the beers were. A bad price was quoted. So without saying a word, we both walked out. The next few bars are the same. Until we walk upon our zion, a packed dive bar. On the outside, we were hit with the perfect fog of cheap Russian cigarette smoke on the inside a lot of hot Russian girls. I know people think its a stereotype, it's fucking not. From St Petersburg to the wilderness in Siberia, they're all fucking hot. You don't know man, you weren't there! Anyway, we go in and I say "Dvye beer pzahalsta" he asks in perfect English "which one?" I say "whatever you recommend". I then give him a death stare and say sternly "is it the same price", he's upset but he responds "Yes". We knock two of those back and I say to him "I like this spirt menu, what do you recommend? We want to get fucked up". He says "do you want nice or nasty" We go for the nasty option. It's a row of eight vodka shots. It's all infused with some shit. I don't remember too much other than the dill vodka and the smoked fish vodka. I tell the barman that he's a cruel bastard and we become good friends. An older Russian woman approaches me, i'd say in her mid 40s, a good 20 years older than me. She asks me about my trip in English, and I start to flirt with her. Her male friend comes up to me and says he wants them to be left alone. I respond "hey pal, the lady can talk for herself" and proceed to give her a wink. He's upset and she says "it was nice talking to you" and takes him to another corner of the bar.

We go out to smoke, we have a few broken words about our trip with the doorman, I give him a cigarette. We're outside and its filled with students. Two drunk brits behind the iron curtain. What are we going to do? Mingle. I approach some guys, I give them all cigarette and introduce myself. The reaction I get is pretty much the same reaction I like to think the reaction is kind of similar to when the Wright Brothers first took off in some god forsaken field in North Carolina. Some chap, who refered to himself as "The Coassack" said "I love your accent man, you sound like a proper English Gentleman" I thanked him and quickly moved onto his hot friend. I asked her where she was going to take me tomorrow morning (pretty cringey shit I know. Get off my back! I was drunk!) She told me she wanted to take me to this gallery. I grab her arse and go in for the kiss. I failed. I tried again, I failed. I tried again, and again I failed. I'm sorry to admit, I shamelessly tried it on at least five times more that night, each time failing. Perhaps i'm losing my sex appeal. Anyway enough of this shit. I was still outside after briefly going in to get a beer, the doorman gave me a plastic cup. I was outside smoking and talking this time to some proper grizzled drunks. It looked like they were permanent drunks. Stockly built and scarred across the face. One of them a Kazak told me he wanted to fight me. I don't fight, I drink. I tried to explain this to him. He raised his fists. Thankfully the girl I spent a significant amout of time tying to stick my tongue down her throat came to my defence. I with google translate said "I a feeble Englishman is no match for Kazak warrior. I have the strength of a small boy with polio". He did not see the humour in that. The Russian girl shouted at him in Russian he apologised and kissed me on the cheek. Odd but I guess in these weirdly macho cultures they have the homoerotic tendencies, kind of like Rugby. The night continued, at this point, the barman was delivering us drinks. At the closing time "approximately 4am) the barman comes out shouts at a few youths and says to me "Fucking Gopniks", which I think is the UK equivalent of CHAV and said to me "Hey man I collect foreign coins, do you by any chance have any" I didn't, I gave him a £5 note and said "you're a handsome guy, but I bet this hobby of yours is going to stop you getting laid", he laughed.

We stumbled our way back to the Hostel, my friend had to take a cheeky piss behind a car and narrowly missed the Russian Police.

Muscovites - they either fucking hate your or fucking love you. Give them a chance, you'll find a place to get hammered. It's not easy, but its worth it. If you want easy, head to Rubinstein Street in Nevesky Prospket in St Petersburg.
Major Strasser: What is your nationality?
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.

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oettinger
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Re: The Moscovite Challenge

Post by oettinger »

Thanks for the cool story. I almost forgot all from that skype session you told us about it
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