A Party in Orlando

[liquor&poker]

This girl I went to high school with got a new apartment and called to invite my wife and myself to a housewarming party. I had been looking for a reason to get really drunk and stupid so I was pretty excited about the prospect. I even offered to bring a pizza but she said she was making food.

We got there at like 5pm and the food we found was seriously lame. She'd put together these chunks of ham with chunks of pickle and cream cheese with a toothpick through the whole thing and also some kind of layered dip. I hadn't eaten dinner because I was looking forward to pigging out on someone else's food but I just couldn't work with that shit. But I decided I'd be able to booze adequately on an empty stomach.

Plus we were there way early so there were 4 fly bitches (including my wife) and myself and a fifth of Crown Royal I brought. So I break that fucker open and pour myself a fat crown and 7up then offer some to the others. They all turn it down.

WHAT THE FUCK?

So yeah, I proceed to get drunk with hot chicks who aren't drinking and they've got this weak rendition of Pink Flloyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" in reggae style on the stereo and they're NOT FUCKING DRINKING. If I had known it was going to be THIS kind of party I would have stayed at my house and got naked and ran around or something.

By 6:30 I'm pretty lit and pissed so I drunk call this guy I drank with to call in a code red.

"J, I don't know what's goin on but I'm drunk and there's bitches over here"

"Sweet, where are you, I'm on the way"

"No dude, it's not like that...they're not even drinking and if you're going to get directions through Orlando from me right now, you're drunker than I am."

Then there's a knock at the door.

Sweet, I think, here we go. But it's a gay guy and a fat chick. And they're both drinking and very very fuckin annoying.

By the time this schindig gets into full swing I'm seriously drunk but still standing. Lots more people drinking light beer and fuzzy navels. Drunk chicks who aren't hot and a gay guy who wants to do shots of 151. If I wasn't already too far gone, he'd be in trouble.

At this point I'm surprised at how much I've drank. My fifth is gone and none of those fuckers would share it with me. So I'm drunkwalking around trying to brag to these people and I come across this guy in the kitchen.

"See that bottle?" I say, pointing at my empty fifth, "It was all mine"

He gets this weirdass look on his face

"Dude, I'm sorry...there was only a little left"

So now I'm stumbling over words, trying to tell this guy I was bragging and not about to try to kick his ass but I give up and just hug him.

Then I see this guy from high school that I thought was cool and I try to get his cell number but when I break out the phone I realize I'm not going to be able to dial anything accurately so I tell him we'll talk later and I go lay on the couch for a breather.

What a lame fucking night. A guy walks past with a fucking brandy snifter with light beer in it and I want to punch him or at least yell at him but I can't. People next to me are playing fucking Yahtzee and that ridiculous cd has started over again.

I fight off the liquor when it tries to make me vomit and I feel incredible after that so I go and smoke a joint with some people in the other room and that was ok.

I was all fired up for a knock-down drag-out motherfucker of a party and got this shit instead. On the upside, that was the most I ever drank in one sitting and woke up with nary a headache.

[Trebek]

You made a valiant effort lad, it can be quite difficult to make an evening fun with peoplr who aren't drinking. A for effort.

[DrunkenBoxing]

I feel for you man, sounds like you were deceived into attending a tupperware party.

[WillyBlues]

gay guys and fat chicks go together like bourbon and beer, why is that?

[WildDamnTurkey]

If I had known it was going to be THIS kind of party I would have

"stuck my dick in the mashed potatoes" is the only acceptable way to end that sentence.

[liquor&poker]

If I had known it was going to be THIS kind of party I would have

"stuck my dick in the mashed potatoes" is the only acceptable way to end that sentence.

Was THIIIS close to doing that but I thought I should play it straight it being one of my first posts and all.