Two Thousand Dollars Worth of Chinese Food Part 1.

Mongeaux · Post by **Mongeaux** » Mon Apr 10, 2006 10:05 pm

Author's Note:
Stories should begin with a snappy opening line, but I'm breaking that tradition because I can't find a sufficiently apocalyptic metaphor to describe my last ten years of marriage. God knows, history does not lack for horrid events to choose from. I could, for example, compare my unholy matrimonial union to the crash of the German Zeppelin Hindenburg in 1937 and get it right for the sense of horror and sheer destruction that accompanied that disaster. But for it to truly represent my marriage, the doomed zeppelin would have burn, crash and then float back up into the air and crash at least fifty more times. Let's face it - this is unrealistic, but it would come much closer to representing the panoply of crises my then-wife plunged me into (at sporadic moments) all throughout the decade in which we were manacled together, than just a single, paltry historical event.

On second thought, maybe the reason I can't find a metaphor is that none of them are good enough. Why do I have to compare my marriage to some historical horror, when it was horrible enough on its own? Maybe the best way to convey the true scale of this personal disaster is to just tell it. It's too bad H.P. Lovecraft isn't around to hire - he could do the tale justice. But I am afraid there is only me, so I will have to do my best for you, dear reader and you, I hope, will be forgiving.

This will be done in a series of vignettes, serialized, for as long as I remain disgruntled and bitter. There will be no set chronological order to the stories - they will bubble to the surface whenever the Bile rises in me. Readers who are feeling adventurous can scroll down to the first in my horror series: Hungover On Judge Judy, in which I am forced to appear on National Syndicated Television.

Our second tale begins several years earlier, when I came home one night after work to discover my kitchen table covered with:

Two Thousand Dollars Worth Of Chinese Food
Part 1.
By Mongeaux
4/10/06

"I know you bought the chinese food, I didn't think the goddam Chinese Food Fairy flitted by and SHIT Pu Pu Platters all over the kitchen table!" I yelled. My wife, perched like a toad on the mushroom-tan colored living room sofa, wore her trademark look of innocent confusion. I tried again, my blood pressure rising as I battered myself against the dense calluses that surrounded the clot of random impulses and animal cunning that passed for her mind. "That was NOT the question! The question is, where did you get the money to to buy all this stuff? It's two days before payday and I know you spend my paycheck a week before I even get it and there must be a hundred bucks worth of this stuff!"

She lit a butt and inhaled calmly. A languid wisp of smoke escaped from her lips and made for freedom. It wafted past one nostril, which suddenly flared and sucked the errant wisp back in.

"I paid for it with the check that came today." she said.

"What check?"

"The one for two thousand dollars."

I put my head in my hands. This was going to be a long haul.

Continue on to: Two Thousand Dollars Worth Of Chinese Food Part 2

Gifford · Post by **Gifford** » Mon Apr 10, 2006 10:22 pm

What a tease! I want to read more right now! You can't do this to us!

Mongeaux · Post by **Mongeaux** » Mon Apr 10, 2006 10:39 pm

Gifford wrote:What a tease! I want to read more right now! You can't do this to us!

Patience, young Jedi. I will post more once I have writ it.

Post by **Judge** » Mon Apr 10, 2006 11:01 pm

Your stories make me want to jump into that shark's mouth. Oh, and go upstairs and hug the wife. Makes the money she's spending remodeling the house seem ok somehow.

Mongeaux · Post by **Mongeaux** » Mon Apr 10, 2006 11:24 pm

My stories make me want to hug the ex wife, pick her up and throw her into the sharks mouth. Only that wouldnt be fair to the shark.

**** · Post by ******** » Mon Apr 10, 2006 11:31 pm

i can't wait to see how this ends up. she sounds like every exwife i know, except me...and the lesbians.

Mongeaux · Post by **Mongeaux** » Tue Apr 11, 2006 12:28 am

nic the chick wrote:i can't wait to see how this ends up. she sounds like every exwife i know, except me...and the lesbians.

It gets worse than you could imagine.

Savage · Post by **Savage** » Tue Apr 11, 2006 1:01 am

Oh, the stories my precious Grumpy could tell, if only he could write. I would bet cold, hard cash that his ex would out-sow yours. I am quite mad at him right about now... stupid snoring piglet quit his snort-choke-snarl-snork symphony the moment I got the tape recorder hooked up. (He denies snoring, see, and I was going to provide him with the disgusting aural proof.)

Eh, anyway... Write some more horror story, Mongo. I need diversion; I need entertainment. Pleeeze! One can take only so much of the Looney Tunes!

Malkor · Post by **Malkor** » Tue Apr 11, 2006 4:02 am

And he's done it again........dammit man wait till youve written the whole thing before you show us it, excellent stuff my freind but your a bit of a sadist to leave us all hanging. I expect we all eagerly await the next installment

Paralepsis · Post by **Paralepsis** » Tue Apr 11, 2006 11:06 am

More Please.

Metaphor for your entire 10-year sentence or not, I applaud your opening line.

Drinks on me; please keep writing!

Mayhem · Post by **Mayhem** » Tue Apr 11, 2006 12:30 pm

I wish I could shit Pu Pu platters. I'd be irresistible to the chicks. Great opening salvo, can't wait for more, and I know, all too well, your Hindenburg analogy, which is spot on.

Mongeaux · Post by **Mongeaux** » Tue Apr 11, 2006 10:48 pm

Mayhem wrote:I wish I could shit Pu Pu platters. I'd be irresistible to the chicks. Great opening salvo, can't wait for more, and I know, all too well, your Hindenburg analogy, which is spot on.

I decided to do the hyperlink on "Hindenburg" for The Kids. Some of em dont know their Ancient History like we do!

Sgt. HSA · Post by **Sgt. HSA** » Sun Apr 16, 2006 10:10 am

Mongeaux wrote:
Mayhem wrote:I wish I could shit Pu Pu platters. I'd be irresistible to the chicks. Great opening salvo, can't wait for more, and I know, all too well, your Hindenburg analogy, which is spot on.
I decided to do the hyperlink on "Hindenburg" for The Kids. Some of em dont know their Ancient History like we do!

I do. My grandfather was present at Lakehurst airport when that thing came crashing down.

Mayhem · Post by **Mayhem** » Sun Apr 16, 2006 1:21 pm

Sgt. HSA wrote:
Mongeaux wrote:
Mayhem wrote:I wish I could shit Pu Pu platters. I'd be irresistible to the chicks. Great opening salvo, can't wait for more, and I know, all too well, your Hindenburg analogy, which is spot on.
I decided to do the hyperlink on "Hindenburg" for The Kids. Some of em dont know their Ancient History like we do!
I do. My grandfather was present at Lakehurst airport when that thing came crashing down.

Oh the humanity!

Mongeaux · Post by **Mongeaux** » Tue Apr 18, 2006 1:31 am

Part Two Up Now.