Hey you can't pee there!

[deadpuppiesandwhores]

Summer of '95 or '96-ish i was working hard labor for pennies on the hour while all my friends were off at college learning fancy terms to call me, such as, "hey, meet john. he's my proletariat friend." college kids are idiots.

anyhow, you would think being young, in college with a good chunk of their trust funds burning holes in their pockets they wouldn't need me, the lowly "proletariat", to supply their drug and alcohol needs, but they were helpless as parapalegic babies.

one weekend i get the phonecall and decided to make a weeekend out of it and drove 2 hours to the campus of central michigan to visit a highschool buddy and sell a few illicit items while i was there.

as soon ass i arrived, my pal pulls out the bottle of mezcal and the day went from there. it was aweful, cheap mezcal and i think dog vomit would leave a better aftertaste, but by crum, we were going to get to that fucking worm, and maybe, just maybe, if we dropped a little acid, just maybe it wouldn't taste so bad.

the plan did not work. it still tasted like shit, but we became inspired after the worm was finally choked down. we filled a backpack with every bottle of beer, malt liquor, whiskey, vodka, anything we could find with even just a swallow left and decided to go for a bicycle ride.

problem- 3 of us and only 2 bikes.

solution- campus minister always left his bike outdoors and unchained. we retitled the bicycle "community bike" for the evening and problem solved. i like to be part of the solution, not the problem.

we start out at rubble's, a college bar that had no issues serving minors or letting minors walk in with a backpack full of booze and a head full of LSD. the small fellow with us became instantly paranoid and starts talking about "big brother" and how credit cards and driver's licences had computer chips so the government knows where we are and what we are doing at all times and was really starting to draw attention to ourselves as he became increasingly more upset about this whole conspiracy which made absolutely no sense, so we deemed it a good time to leave.

back out on the streets pedaling and not doing so well paying attention to things like traffic or sign posts. there was much laughter as my friend ran square into a telephone post that he saw coming in plenty of time to avoid it but it just did not register for him to avoid it. square on. over the handlebars and bleeding on the street.

now to find a place to drink our backpack stash. we pedal and pedal, some with blood soaked shirts now. pass a police car and everyone becomes excessively nervous to the point i can't believe we weren't arrested just for looking like we done something wrong. but we pedal on by and through town. right through the middle of town, falling off our bikes every time we slowed down to much and narrowly avoiding pedestrians as they leapt out of our way. through town and then we see the park. its dark, noone's in the park and this might be where we can further fuel our completely intoxicated states of mind.

the park is considerably lower elevation from the town and it is only right across the street so it was a downhill run that normally would not have been a big deal, but in that moment it was a greater feat of daring than anything evel knievel ever tried and someone, never found out who (guess it may even have been me) screamed like a schoolyard bitch the whole way down. which is probably the single act that drove the rest of the evening.

we found a park bench away from all the lights and starting mixing all the alcohol we had since most of the bottles had very little in it and the earlier mezcal forever ruined the ability to taste anyhow. we were havving fun. laughing and falling down like only the truly young find entertaining. and that's when my friend had to pee. so he walks about 20 feet away, turns his back and whips it out.

that was about the exact time the spotlight hit him from the police cruiser that was quietly driving around the park with no lights on, apparently looking for the cause of the unholy scream that was earlier reported (may not be true but was the report we got from a guy later on that knew a guy that knew a guy in the police department). the look on his face as he stood there in the spotlight, cock in hand and trying to determine if it was real or not was worthy of youtube for sure.

so we did what all underage drunk/high kids would do. we jumped on our bikes and started pedaling furiously towards the thin trail heading into the woods while the police car was tearing up the park chasing us down. we crossed a footbridge and over the railroad tracks.

POP! it was not the appropriate time to stop and laugh hysterically as the minister's "community bike" broke 3 or 4 spokes as it bounced over the railroad tracks, completely distorting the rim and blowing out the tire, but it wass funny. so under muffled laughs we gave up running and just hid in the long grass next to the train tracks. we could hear the police walking within feet of us as see their flashlights shining directly over us and it lasted for several minutes, which at the time was equivalent to eternity since time perception was completely skewed.


but they eventually gave up and left. after waiting 30 seconds from the time we could no longer hear their voices, me jumped up and started running again, pushing or dragging our bikes. it was time to headd back to the safety of my friends apartment.

the quickest route however led us through a different park. for years i thought this part must've been a hallucination, because noone is stupid enough to leave a park with large cages for animals such as deer, raccoons, coyotes and even a fucking black bear open to the public after hours with absolutely no one watching over the place. but years later i was able to confirm through a cousin that this place actually exists in the exacct manner in which i remembered it.

now this place bothers me so much because young kids screwed out of their minds might find something like throwing rocks at the bear very entertainng. probably not so safe for the poor sonofabitch that has to feed it in the morning. maybe not so safe for the dumb bastards throwing rocks at it, but we survived his roars and taunts as he didn't even attempt to come through the cage after us.

we spent enough time there and continued our trek through the shadows to the safety of the apartment. the schwinn (minister's bike) was thrown on the ground so we could jump up and down on the busted rim to straighten it out at least enough it could actually spin through the forks again, with great effort and some rubbing of course. of course the tire was flat and the wheel wasn't even close to round, but the little guy still managed to ride. grunting and putting all his weight into every downward stroke on the pedal and even through the shrill grinding sound of bare metal on pavement and when we got within a few houses of the minister's house, where the bike was found, he carried it silently and put it back in the exact place it was found. hopefully it would be fixed the next time we needed it (and it was).

the rest of the night was spent playing videogames at the apartment and and my friends girlfriend, not impressed with the bloodstained shirt and sever innebriation still patched him up and tolerated us for the evening.

[*****]

As usual, you make Tucker Max looked like an insulated, spoiled little brat. Good show.

[Jaime]

Hey, you can't pee there!

That is what I said to my twin 3 year olds. I taught them to pee on the tires of our car on a road trip. A couple of months later they had to go pee really bad as we pulled into our garage. They jumped out and peed on the tires of the car. Had to teach them to use the bathroom...

[Jaime]

man, just peed off that back deck`

[deadpuppiesandwhores]

this guy is the kind of people that post here now that make me not want to come back in here anymore. i miss this place, but if these are the idiots that have turned this place into home, i think i'll just move on and not look back.

[Omar The Tentmaker]

this guy is the kind of people that post here now that make me not want to come back in here anymore. i miss this place, but if these are the idiots that have turned this place into home, i think i'll just move on and not look back.

DPAW!!!! long time. im back for a visit and pondering the bar revisits. I have seen plenty of outright blasphemy though so far.

[Mad Lion]

Fuck yeah, LSD and alcohol, probably my two favorite drugs.

[seandb8]

Who amongst us doesn't have some sort of related anecdote? I've availed myself on the doormat of a friend's unfriendly neighbor. I've seen a close friend, in a truly hammered state, relieve himself on a kitchen floor, then try to flush using the blender.

Worse though, is if you're already a (semi)public figure; one of Baylor's assistant football coaches decided to knock some back at a hometown Waco bar, Scruffy Murphy's, after his team had been hammered by Kansas. Around closing time, he looked around, thought noone was watching, and let loose all over the bar. Surprisingly enough, this subtle action did not go unobserved, or unpunished. Though for anyone travelling through Waco, it's good to know that taking a leak on a bar is a ticketable offense, not requiring incarceration.

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3065938

I sadly must admit that I once threw up, a bit, on a bar....but that was purely involuntary....Who PEES on a bar?

[IndyGuy77]

I peed in front of an office building with a huge spotlight showing off the side of the building.

My schlong's shadow was HUGE! And you could see the pee stream in the shadow too, some 10 stories high.

One of my proudest moments... and I was undrunk at the time.

[Cowboy Joe]

Lovely story. I'm sorry to admit the most adventerous pissing I have ever done has been on various ally walls and taco bell cups while driving.....

[GoonTrooper]

i was on a train and went in between the carraiges for a smoke, and then a quick slash. thinking it was pretty well-disguised, it wasnt. i reentered the carriage to quite a few pairs of glaring eyes. it was around 10 (pm) so not too many people, but at least 20 id reckon.

theres been a couple of times on the way home from parties we've found an empty carriage, dubbed it the party carriage and wreaked (is that correct?) havoc on it. we decided we'd 'break all the rules' so one by one we brought them down: have a cigarette, have a drink, swear, stand on the seats, force the doors, etc. 'no offensive behaviour' was another rule, so we took this to mean no vomiting or pissing on the train, and every one of us (about 6) broke the rule, haha.

although this isnt the most daring of places, around 8 or 9 of us (dressed in suits on the way to the school formal, haha) decided to take a slash, at once in an alley. so we were all standing, backs to each other pissing, when someone walked through. we all turned our heads in unison and they bolted all the way back to the train station, haha.

i dont think though, that while undrunk, i've pissed in any place more daring than an alley.

[deadpuppiesandwhores]

at least read the story before spouting off about shit noone understands but you.

[lmr5150]

I walked out of a Charleston W.V. strip club with a working bathroom and pissed on a UPS box in the middle of downtown. Any questions?

[Illiniwek]

at least read the story before spouting off about shit noone understands but you.

Hear, hear! I do believe there is a "weirdest place you've pissed" (or something like that) thread somewhere, but this ain't it.

Good story and well written.