Dr. Wang called me and said I needed to come in for a follow-up on my chest X-rays. He didn't tell me what for, and the receptionist won't go into detail with me because she doesn't have my file. This is slightly perturbing as my mother had lung cancer at 23, my father had skin cancer, and both my paternal grandparents died of cancer. My other concern is that they could see the white flag my liver has raised.
So I go to the doctor yesterday, due in part to the raging swollen throat I woke up with. I didn't think that drinking the bottle of Cask & Cream or the mug of rum with eggnog would have done that to me, so I figured a sawbones was in order. I mean c'mon, those are soothing drinks.
After a serious language barrier was breached, the doctor tells me that they likely misdiagnosed my October bronchitis and that it was likely pneumonia. Thanks doc, I got the memo when I was horking up blood and plenty of it. I finally get the results of my STD testing as well, so now I only have my personality to blame.
But then the strangest thing happened. He asks me how much I drink. He has my medical history open in front of him. I said "1 or two glasses of beer or wine with dinner, depending on what complements the meal". A complete and total lie, but the same one I've been telling doctors for 8 years or so. He blinks and says "One or two glasses" and his eyes bug out. Well, I don't drink out of my hand, doc. I told him that I was under the impression by various American and British medical studies that this was within healthy limits. He retorted with "well, that's ok for Medeterrianeans; you should limit yourself to 1 glass a night". So those shifty Souther Europeans, with their olive oil and stinky fish can drink two glasses, but a 6'3" strapping young Scandanavian can only have 1? I showed up drunk to a physical and they didn't bat an eye, but Dr. euphamism-for-a-penis is going to tell me that I can't drink 2 glasses of wine a night?
So I said "You're bizzonkers." He asked what I meant and I said "Sorry, I was clearing my throat. I'll give it a try." And here you go doc, my new bizzonker schedule:
5:45 pm Cocktail hour when I get home from work. It is still the afternoon, so this doesn't count as a nightly drink.
6:45 pm Meal preparatrion drinking. How else will I know if my nightly drink will go with the meal?
7:30 pm Nightly drink with dinner
8:00 pm meal clean-up drink. Ok, maybe the doc won't like this, but I'm cleaning up. And think of all those emaciated Wangs that I was told would gladly eat what I left behind as a child. Think of the children, doc; I can't waste any comestible.
8:15 pm Fight against the darkness of neverending winter. In Greenland, it is already morning, and since my Norwegian blood discovered that icy shithole, I'll jump over to their time. Note that I don't shift to Italian time, because then I could have had another drink with dinner.
So there you go, Dr. Killjoy. I am reminded of the words of Red Foxx "Health nuts are going to feel real stupid someday -
lying in the hospital, dying of nothing."
Bizzonkers
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daphne
- Drunker Than God
- Posts: 2382
- Joined: Sun Sep 26, 2004 4:13 am
- Location: Washington. Home of JZ Knight and other nuts, which is why we drink here.
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Get one of those glasses like in Girlie's avatar, and you'll be fine. Or, never competely finish your glass, just top off.
If he's going to feed you bullshit, feel free to self feed the same! By the way, I had pneumonia this spring, and it was brutal. I am sorry to hear you were so sick.
If he's going to feed you bullshit, feel free to self feed the same! By the way, I had pneumonia this spring, and it was brutal. I am sorry to hear you were so sick.
RIP Frederick and my beloved GatorX
You deserve all the puffery you can get
daph and grip say "bourbony goodness!"
http://daphneszoo.com/
You deserve all the puffery you can get
daph and grip say "bourbony goodness!"
http://daphneszoo.com/
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RIPT
Fuck Dr's. They love to prolong death so they can buy another condon in Palm Beach.
My Dr. is Carribean (I think). Either that or he is just melado. Either way he is way cool, unless he probes you for an enlarged prostate, but that's another story.
My typical Doctor/Patient exchange goes something like this:
Dr: How you feeling?
Me: Fine
Dr: Let me take your blood pressure.
Me: Ok
Dr: The meds are working. Blood pressure is fine. Se ya next time.
Me: Yeah, ok. But hey Doc, I've got this cough!
Dr: Let me write you a prescription.
Me: Make it Percodan, my siatica is acting up too.
Dr: Ok
My Dr. is Carribean (I think). Either that or he is just melado. Either way he is way cool, unless he probes you for an enlarged prostate, but that's another story.
My typical Doctor/Patient exchange goes something like this:
Dr: How you feeling?
Me: Fine
Dr: Let me take your blood pressure.
Me: Ok
Dr: The meds are working. Blood pressure is fine. Se ya next time.
Me: Yeah, ok. But hey Doc, I've got this cough!
Dr: Let me write you a prescription.
Me: Make it Percodan, my siatica is acting up too.
Dr: Ok
Swedish. At least they had the sense to surrender to the NAZIs. My peeps capitulated after being sold out by Victor Quisling. Moving on.MongoTheRedNosedBoozer wrote:Oh god I love genuine wit. Isn't Garrison Keillor Norwegian? That must be where you all get it from: Lutheran humor.
Funny, funny, funny.
Lutefisk.
I hate you.