on frogs, TJD and religion...

[Shitfaced]

My wife loves animals more than anyone I've ever seen or heard of. It's an obsession to the point where I sometimes think she needs to see a shrink. Now I love animals as much as the next guy and over the years I've really grown used to the idea. I've become a staunch animal lover and give to SPCA regularly and stuff, but i've just flipped out...

One evening a few months ago a frog suddenly croaked just outside the TV-room window. Just one loud BRRWAAAP! That was kinda funny and we laughed about it. For a couple of weeks after that the frog would give the occasional funny croak and we chuckled over it. It became “our” frog. Then, two weeks ago things changed. Another frog decided it should check into our back yard and start singing country and western melodies all night long. “Our” frog at the TV-room window thought that was a cool idea, joined in and a croakfest started that’s been going on for the past two weeks nonstop.

That pissed me off, but I didn’t do anything about it and I didn’t say anything to the missus about it. When the croaking started Saturday evening I realized that "our" frog had made its way to the back yard. I figured one of the two must be a female on heat and they’re courting. On Sunday morning I found a string of snotty caviar-like eggs drooped along the pool wall. That’s it! I thought. They had a good screw, the male frog will go looking for his next score and the croaking will stop.

No such luck. Sunday evening came and the croaking had reached a new level, much louder than before. The missus went to bed after the movie where NY got hit by the next ice age. I, on the other hand, was rather deep into a bottle of JD’s and decided it was time to break up the croakfest. Found one of them perched on the pool cleaner pipe in the pool’s weir. The weir created a megaphone effect, that’s why it was so loud. And you thought frogs didn’t know about sound effects eh?

Anyway, I snapped a branch off the nearest tree and hussled the little fucker out of the weir. He (or she) did a quick breast stroke to the middle of the pool, made a u-turn and headed straight back for the weir. I thought oh-no-you-don’t-you-little-shit and intercepted him with the poolnet. Something came over me right there and I catapulted the little bastard trebuchet-style over the wall and sky high. Moments later I heard “kaplonk” as it fell into a pool two houses down the road. Found the other frog on the pool paving and launched it into the same direction, but this time my aim was out and it hit a tree somewhere on the other end of my next door neighbour’s yard.

And then the guilt hit me. I've been cruel to two defenseless animals, poor things. I felt really bad about this and wanted to ask forgiveness, but I wasn’t sure if it’s okay to pray when you’re drunk so I decided to leave it for the next day. Haven’t told the missus either, she’ll murder me. Meanwhile my neighbours are hiding their first-born son in the loft since it's raining frogs...

Guess I’ll fry for this one day. Oh well, at least the place is quiet again.

:twisted: :twisted:

[massivedrunk]

TJD?


What are you Nucking Futz?

[Judge]

TJD?


What are you Nucking Futz?

Agreed, go for the Beam, but I got a hell of a laugh at the second frog launch.

[Shitfaced]

I needed proof that JD ain't my friend.

[massivedrunk]

I needed proof that JD ain't my friend.

http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/a ... t_jack.htm

How About Them Apples.

[Mongeaux]

My wife loves animals more than anyone I've ever seen or heard of. It's an obsession to the point where I sometimes think she needs to see a shrink. Now I love animals as much as the next guy and over the years I've really grown used to the idea. I've become a staunch animal lover and give to SPCA regularly and stuff, but i've just flipped out...

One evening a few months ago a frog suddenly croaked just outside the TV-room window. Just one loud BRRWAAAP! That was kinda funny and we laughed about it. For a couple of weeks after that the frog would give the occasional funny croak and we chuckled over it. It became “our” frog. Then, two weeks ago things changed. Another frog decided it should check into our back yard and start singing country and western melodies all night long. “Our” frog at the TV-room window thought that was a cool idea, joined in and a croakfest started that’s been going on for the past two weeks nonstop.

That pissed me off, but I didn’t do anything about it and I didn’t say anything to the missus about it. When the croaking started Saturday evening I realized that "our" frog had made its way to the back yard. I figured one of the two must be a female on heat and they’re courting. On Sunday morning I found a string of snotty caviar-like eggs drooped along the pool wall. That’s it! I thought. They had a good screw, the male frog will go looking for his next score and the croaking will stop.

No such luck. Sunday evening came and the croaking had reached a new level, much louder than before. The missus went to bed after the movie where NY got hit by the next ice age. I, on the other hand, was rather deep into a bottle of JD’s and decided it was time to break up the croakfest. Found one of them perched on the pool cleaner pipe in the pool’s weir. The weir created a megaphone effect, that’s why it was so loud. And you thought frogs didn’t know about sound effects eh?

Anyway, I snapped a branch off the nearest tree and hussled the little fucker out of the weir. He (or she) did a quick breast stroke to the middle of the pool, made a u-turn and headed straight back for the weir. I thought oh-no-you-don’t-you-little-shit and intercepted him with the poolnet. Something came over me right there and I catapulted the little bastard trebuchet-style over the wall and sky high. Moments later I heard “kaplonk” as it fell into a pool two houses down the road. Found the other frog on the pool paving and launched it into the same direction, but this time my aim was out and it hit a tree somewhere on the other end of my next door neighbour’s yard.

And then the guilt hit me. I've been cruel to two defenseless animals, poor things. I felt really bad about this and wanted to ask forgiveness, but I wasn’t sure if it’s okay to pray when you’re drunk so I decided to leave it for the next day. Haven’t told the missus either, she’ll murder me. Meanwhile my neighbours are hiding their first-born son in the loft since it's raining frogs...

Guess I’ll fry for this one day. Oh well, at least the place is quiet again.

:twisted: :twisted:

Hahaha! "Raining frogs"... Damn funny stuff. Well done sir!

[Malkor]

That story was great, frog launching fun at it best

[Shitfaced]

Well I'm back in the shit with this animal cruelty thing, this time over ants. Would you believe that? Ants of all fucking things!

The wife calls me in a mild panic "There's an army of ants in the bath...!", so I went and had a look and not knowing what to do I just opened the tap and flushed 'em down the drain. If that didn't piss her off enough, my chirp surely did. "Well, now they're Marines, duh." :D

[Professor Roomie]

I'm nicer to critters than most people. I've carried roaches out of my girlfriend's apartment instead of killing them, and I never kill spiders or centipedes. I would've been a lot more careful relocating the frogs, but I can't think of any good way to relocate a colony of ants out of the tub. So fuck it.

[Gin McGuinness]

Growing up in sub-rural Texas (where everyone decides to relocate animals instead of calling the SPCA), I found I do not have great affinity for animals. When I was a kid I launched toads with a sling-shot, fed them lit black-cats and painted them with food coloring to tell when new frogs entered the 5-arce place we lived on. But I've never catapulted one.... damn I wish I was 8 yrs old again! *ducks bottles from Daphne's direction* Just kidding of course!