WHERE MY GODAMN CIGARETTES?!

[BalzactheJawsofDeath]

At the time I was working as a driver/yard worker for a construction company in vegas, when city center was finishing up and the economy was starting to tank. It was friday and my roomie and I had to show up to work the next day at 5am for a 2 hour crane op. Therefore no plans where made. Around 4 or 5 pm my room mate takes his dog for a walk, upon returning he informs me that he met some guys while walking his dog and we had been invited over for drinks. I give him shit for meeting dudes instead of womenfolk while walking his dog, but I reluctantly decide to go drink some stranger's beverages. We go over and they seem to be cool and friendly people with wives and kids and all that shit. Over a 3 hour period I attacked their beer reserves while they poor shots of absinthe for me. Round 8 or maybe 9 my room mate and I decide to head back home and call it an early night.

When I get home I find that I have about 10 missed calls from my sister, this is odd. When I call I am informed that not only is my best friend in town stopping off on his roadtrip from alaska to texas but that he showed up to my empty apartment and left with no other option but to hang out with my brother and sisters lame ass's for the past 3-4 hours. I race over and pick him up with no idea what to do to entertain my friend because I have no money to speak of therefore no way to properly greet an old friend to vegas.

I decide on a whim to stop at a bar next to a pizza place that a buddy of mine is moonlighting at as a delivery driver on the off chance that he may have some advice for the evening. He grew up there, but i knew it would be a long shot as far as giving any good advice about entertainment. I was proven wrong when i pulled into the parking lot to find him hanging half way out of his car, halfway parked in a handicapped space and all the way drunk and screaming profanities at the pizza place he worked at. The entertainment for the night had been found...

[BalzactheJawsofDeath]

Im not breaking this up for the sake of suspense. Pressing matters arise.

[BalzactheJawsofDeath]

Apparently while I was off doing my thing, my friend who was illegally parked decided to put off his second job and go to the KOMP kegger. Which is an event put on by one of the local radio stations and my friend somehow got free booze the whole time. Next thing he remembers is being at the job he was planning on blowing off and being told to go home. So naturally he went to the bar next door and started gambling and won enough money to feel pretty good about himself. This is the story that was relayed to me upon arriving at the pizza place. I helped my friend lock up his car, shoved him into my car and drove off while my friend screamed profanities at his former employer.

My friend who was obviously in a blackout state suggested we go to BJ's and proclaimed that he was buying. We get there and the place has enough folks for a lively night. We find a table near the bar(there are not enough seats at the bar) and order some drinks. Blackout friend offers nose candy to the waitress who's shift is ending and to my surprise is quite receptive to the offer from my drunk and slovenly friend.

Before she returns he sets his sites on a notably less attractive woman sitting at the bar who already has several hopeful suitors courting her. He lets my best friend and I know what his intentions for the lady are, something to the effect of "Ima hit tha."My alaskan friend and I exchange a quick smirk and encourage him to make his attempt. I barely noticed the waitress had returned and patiently waited 5 minutes for some nose candy because I was too busy laughing at my blackout friend doing his best to be cool and pick up on a lady while having about 3 inches of plumbers crack exposed.

Eventually room cleared for the alaskan friend and I to move to the bar and make it within ear shot of the blackout friends conversation with his new friends. When he turned and realized I was sitting next to him he was as shocked and happy to see me as when I pulled up to the pizza place, and then horrified when I reminded him of the waitress he had been trying to befriend.

The night went on and things took place. He hit on the sexy bartender who told him that the alaskan was her bf(he would later remark how awesome it was to be riding in the same car as the sexy bartenders bf), then he lost an arm wrestling match and had to buy everyone shots, he got cut off and then the bartender let me know that i needed to remove my friend from the premises after he was caught sneaking drinks through other customers. I must admit i may have been the one to give him the idea of how to keep getting drinks after being cut off in a busy bar, but thats neither here nor there.

I did as the bartender instructed(I rarely go against the wishes of those pouring the drinks) and the alaskan, the slob and I arrived at my apartment at about 4:30 am. Just in time for my roomate to wake up and inform me that its time to leave for work. I deposited my friends to the couches, scrubbed my filthy craw and off to work I went. Work went without incident other than a single coworker making a sheepish accusation about me smelling of drink, easily squashed by a stern look and angry mutterings about mouthwash. The ride home from the yard was very relaxing, I had managed to whip up some half assed entertainment for the alaskan, keep the slob out of whatever trouble he would have gotten into onto his own and handled a crane op at work without incident. Just go home and take a nap is all thats left.

When we pull into our apartment complex the slob is wandering the parking lot in a confused and angry state...

[BalzactheJawsofDeath]

The slob informs me that he had no idea where he was until I pulled in and asked me why the sexy bartenders bf was taking a shit in my bathroom without locking the door and more importantly where is his car? I drive him back to his horribly parked car while filling him in on the few detail's he ask's for about the night before. When we get there the sight of his parking skills must have convinced him that he wasn't quite ready to face the wife and kids yet, so he invited me into the bar for a drink.

While there we have a beer and he has a talk with the bartender about how bad he fucked up last night and whether he still has a job or not(the pizza place is owned by the same person as the bar). I barely caught that much of the conversation, but i am pretty sure he lost the job. After the bartender filled in some gaps I filled in the rest. Then the red neck sitting to my right who had been trying to tell me about his troubles at home the whole time offered to buy us some beers and a game of pool with him.

We started playing and the red neck kept bitching about his old lady, the slob focused on the game(because anything is better than thinking about going home i guess) and I thought about my bed. We played for a bit and a dispute came up between who's balls where who's, the slob was winning and the red neck decided that he was winning. They both argued, I shrugged my shoulders and the slob was angry that i did not back him up in this pointless argument and the game went on after the red neck bought us more beer.

I had thought it odd that the bar had the locked door/buzzer combo in play at 7am. What kinda weirdo's cause trouble at this hour on a saturday? A buzz came and the bartender directed a comment toward us, "Is that your wife?". Not having a wife i didn't even look at the door, the slob quickly responded no and the red neck hiding behind me and hanging his head muttered, "oh no, thats my wife." The bartender did not notice the red necks response and buzzed her in...

I once received a D in English and my father queried, "how do you get a D in the only language you speak?" so i am going to have to think on how to describe the final part of this story properly. It was sort of like a ballet on the jerry springer show.

[Mr. Viking]

my fags go walkabout all the time, I reckon there are a lot of undrunk pickpocket wankers about

[Bur]

my fags go walkabout all the time, I reckon there are a lot of undrunk pickpocket wankers about

Might be just me having lost my own and feeling it'd be rude to ask for second cig during the same night.

[Resident Asshole]

Good story. Final chapter?

[Catroaster]

Hear, hear!

And if anyone knows where my Zippos go while drunk, they will earn my eternal gratitude (three brass Zippos lost last year, current spectrum one hanging on so far).

[Mr. Viking]

nothing worse than needing a cigarette and not being able to light it. I bought a cheap fake zippo, but the spark gave up after about 6 weeks. In my rage I tore it in two and threw it onto the road, I use matches now, they never let you down, unless it's windy of course, or damp

[Catroaster]

I have so far been lucky enough to avoid that fate by keeping three cheap disposable lighters in different pockets of my coat, and a box of Swan Vestas in the top pocket. As for your specific problem, Mr. Viking, why not keep a spare flint under the pad of the fake Zippo? A packet of nine cheap flints costs £0.47 here - I don't know what it costs across the Pond. Oh, and I have been reduced to lighting my cigarettes off a gas cooker before now.

[BalzactheJawsofDeath]

I didnt really feel like being near whatever mess was about to happen, so I stop letting the redneck hide behind me and move to the other side of the pool table to spectate. The rednecks wife marches right up to him and starts flipping out in a spectacular fashion, going back and forth between questioning where her cigarettes (that he had left the house to buy) where and calling him every horrible name she could think of. The whole time the redneck just stared at the floor and shrunk more and more with each insult. I actually started to feel bad for him.

It was at that moment that his wife decided fuck the bullshit, and all in one motion snatched a few bills out of his hand and spun around to make a b line for the door. She was very fast too, unfortunately not fast enough. Before she can make it anywhere the redneck grabbed her by the hair. That didnt stop her from trying to run, she made a couple feet. However her head did not follow the rest of her body because he had a good grip. So she started screaming and running in place for what seemed like a real long time but was probably just a few seconds.

Once the shock wore off everyone there the redneck was surrounded by the bartender, the slob, me and some other schmuck. Upon seeing this the redneck quickly realized that it wasn't worth the few dollars she took and released her. She darted out the door while shouting profanities and the redneck was informed that both he and his wife were 86'd. While me and the slob stayed to finish our free beers and free game of pool.

[Lucky]

nothing worse than needing a cigarette and not being able to light it. I bought a cheap fake zippo, but the spark gave up after about 6 weeks. In my rage I tore it in two and threw it onto the road, I use matches now, they never let you down, unless it's windy of course, or damp

http://stores.ebay.com/RushSale-Zippo-C ... 34.c0.m322
Cheap fake? That has to be cheap?!

[Mr. Viking]

nothing worse than needing a cigarette and not being able to light it. I bought a cheap fake zippo, but the spark gave up after about 6 weeks. In my rage I tore it in two and threw it onto the road, I use matches now, they never let you down, unless it's windy of course, or damp

http://stores.ebay.com/RushSale-Zippo-C ... 34.c0.m322
Cheap fake? That has to be cheap?!

it cost £2.50 if I recall

[Expron]

I have so far been lucky enough to avoid that fate by keeping three cheap disposable lighters in different pockets of my coat, and a box of Swan Vestas in the top pocket. As for your specific problem, Mr. Viking, why not keep a spare flint under the pad of the fake Zippo? A packet of nine cheap flints costs £0.47 here - I don't know what it costs across the Pond. Oh, and I have been reduced to lighting my e cigarettes off a gas cooker before now.

This can be dangerous because there is so many incident about gas burner. We shouldn't light our cigarette in a gas burner. I have a attractive cigarette lighter and this is really good to see and also safe.

[mistah willies]

Indeed, there is so many incident about gas burner.

Welcome, and laways remember this:

Whiskey makes me talk at length
vodka wakes me up
Kraken makes me want to roam
and gin...


well,

I've found that gin makes me remincie

makes me think about lost new found freinds

I dunno if i should be drking gina on a night when I want to have fun.


I mean,

Yes, shave your head before you light a ciggy on a stpove top burner