#132
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Let's pour some onnit
One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk
#133
Went to a fundraiser/auction during the Christmas season and was the high bidder, and therefore the winner of, a super fancy Christmas tree. The fucking thing cost me $400! I didn't want it, so I gave it to an intern in my office... who happens to be Jewish.
Went to a fundraiser/auction during the Christmas season and was the high bidder, and therefore the winner of, a super fancy Christmas tree. The fucking thing cost me $400! I didn't want it, so I gave it to an intern in my office... who happens to be Jewish.
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk
#134 Went to a motel and asked for a room with mini bar, upon which request the women at the counter replied it may not be availiable. To which I wisely countered: "Why again are you that fat then?"
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk
Presumably because she ate all the mini-bars...oettinger wrote:#134 Went to a motel and asked for a room with mini bar, upon which request the women at the counter replied it may not be availiable. To which I wisely countered: "Why again are you that fat then?"
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
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Kindly listen to this, please.
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk
Great topic. Mind if I chime in? Ah hazy memories . . .
#135 Gave my Mp3 player to a Cuban bartender and then reported it stolen to the resort management the next day.
#136 Told the bouncers in a Montreal bar that there was a fight outside, locked the door and took over the microphone while a buddy played the drums.
#137 Drove to Buffalo from Toronto at 11 pm to get extra tasty krispy spicy KFC
#138 Offered a piece to the border guard on the way back. You should've seen his face
#139 Pissed in a coffee cup without a bottom while on a road trip. Tried to throw my jeans out the window without anyone noticing
#140 Lost my wallet jumping over a fence to take a piss, same trip
#141 Got in a fight with some local thugs at the corner of South and Broad St. in Philly. It seems they didn't want me talking to their hoes
#142 Paid $20.00 to hear a bad rendition of Piano Man. He said he couldn't remember how it went and pointed to the fishbowl
#143 Convinced an older lady I was Phil Housley. She would've fucked me if I said I was Pee Wee Herman
#144 Convinced a young lady I was Joe Barnes. I licked her pussy for an hour and she didn't move a muscle
#145 Walked an entire block on the roof of parked cars. In retrospect, a dick move
#146 Crashed a McDonalds manager's party in Ottawa. Was probably the only guy to get laid
#147 Fell asleep and literally drove my car up a tree. I survived but the tree didn't
#148 Drove my Pinto 100 mph downhill to escape from the Police only to realize they weren't chasing me
#149 Got thrown out of Hooterville Station on new years eve. Was driven home by the police
#150 Went to the Easter Seals Telethon at 2 am for laughs. It wasn't so funny after the liquor wore off
#151 Threatened an uninvited neighbour with a butcher knife. That'll teach him to try and be nieghbourly
#152 Won $2000.00 playing blackjack in Atlantic City
#152 Got robbed in my sleep by a lady three hours later. Seriously, she fucked my friend and stole my wallet on her way out
#153 Shot an 84 at the National Pines
#154 Fell asleep on top of a military lady while attempting to have sex. She didn't steal my wallet
#155 Went through a lady's purse while she was in the shower, didn't find money so I stole her cigarettes
#156 Stole an pie from the display case at Denny's as I left without paying
#157 Got thrown out of the Brass Rail for taking pictures of the strippers. I didn't have a camera. Still shaking my head
#158 Got in a fight with the security staff at the Rough Riders game for calling Danny McMannus a fat pig. He was a fat pig. I heard later I was on tv
#159 Me and a buddy got thrown out of a Blue Jays game for getting up too much. A man's gotta piss if he drinks that much beer, I said
#160 Got in a fight with off duty cops after a Buffalo Sabres - Montreal Canadians game. A good Samaritan intervened and got the shit beat out of him while I made my escape
#170 Accosted Tie Domi at a bar in Hull, in a nice way
#171 Drank 26 beers in one night at the cottage. Not sure where the extra two came from
#172 Tried to sing tracks of my tears on karaoke night
#173 Went night fishing at the Moon River. Didn't catch fuck all
#174 Got arrested for telling a cop I was going to kill him. Not charged thankfully but I took a bit of a beating
#175 Got kicked out of a cab in the middle of nowhere for doing who knows what. Not sure how I got home
#176 Pissed my pants before I could open the tent. Couldn't find the zipper
#177 Slept with a Hamilton Tiger Cats cheerleader
#178 Woke up the next morning and asked her "what's wrong with your face?"
#179 Slept with my driving instructor. I know what you're thinking. She was female
#180 Jerked off on my girlfriend's tits while she was sleeping. Best sex we ever had
#181 Drove from Brampton to Etobicoke after 2 am for a booty call. Did that many times
#183 Chugged a micky of gin after a bottle of Mateus. Cousin walked me around in the snow puking every 10 feet, then broke into a cottage for me to sleep it off. I was 14.
#184 Stole my Dad's boat at 2 am and drove around Georgian Bay at full throttle. 'We don't need lights".
#185 Was followed around Parkdale by a cruiser until I stopped, got out and convinced the cop she wasn't a hooker. He didn't know what I was talking about and it turned out she wasn't a hooker after all. Not sure why she got in my car in the first place.
#186 Had a fender bender, not my fault, but I was drunk. It turned out the other guy was drunk too. I told him I was going to call the cops and he split. I hid in a donut shop.
#187 Got into a shoving match with some dude over a water fountain. My buddy was yelling at me to leave the guy alone. It turned out it was girl.
This is what I remember. I shudder to think of what I can't.
#135 Gave my Mp3 player to a Cuban bartender and then reported it stolen to the resort management the next day.
#136 Told the bouncers in a Montreal bar that there was a fight outside, locked the door and took over the microphone while a buddy played the drums.
#137 Drove to Buffalo from Toronto at 11 pm to get extra tasty krispy spicy KFC
#138 Offered a piece to the border guard on the way back. You should've seen his face
#139 Pissed in a coffee cup without a bottom while on a road trip. Tried to throw my jeans out the window without anyone noticing
#140 Lost my wallet jumping over a fence to take a piss, same trip
#141 Got in a fight with some local thugs at the corner of South and Broad St. in Philly. It seems they didn't want me talking to their hoes
#142 Paid $20.00 to hear a bad rendition of Piano Man. He said he couldn't remember how it went and pointed to the fishbowl
#143 Convinced an older lady I was Phil Housley. She would've fucked me if I said I was Pee Wee Herman
#144 Convinced a young lady I was Joe Barnes. I licked her pussy for an hour and she didn't move a muscle
#145 Walked an entire block on the roof of parked cars. In retrospect, a dick move
#146 Crashed a McDonalds manager's party in Ottawa. Was probably the only guy to get laid
#147 Fell asleep and literally drove my car up a tree. I survived but the tree didn't
#148 Drove my Pinto 100 mph downhill to escape from the Police only to realize they weren't chasing me
#149 Got thrown out of Hooterville Station on new years eve. Was driven home by the police
#150 Went to the Easter Seals Telethon at 2 am for laughs. It wasn't so funny after the liquor wore off
#151 Threatened an uninvited neighbour with a butcher knife. That'll teach him to try and be nieghbourly
#152 Won $2000.00 playing blackjack in Atlantic City
#152 Got robbed in my sleep by a lady three hours later. Seriously, she fucked my friend and stole my wallet on her way out
#153 Shot an 84 at the National Pines
#154 Fell asleep on top of a military lady while attempting to have sex. She didn't steal my wallet
#155 Went through a lady's purse while she was in the shower, didn't find money so I stole her cigarettes
#156 Stole an pie from the display case at Denny's as I left without paying
#157 Got thrown out of the Brass Rail for taking pictures of the strippers. I didn't have a camera. Still shaking my head
#158 Got in a fight with the security staff at the Rough Riders game for calling Danny McMannus a fat pig. He was a fat pig. I heard later I was on tv
#159 Me and a buddy got thrown out of a Blue Jays game for getting up too much. A man's gotta piss if he drinks that much beer, I said
#160 Got in a fight with off duty cops after a Buffalo Sabres - Montreal Canadians game. A good Samaritan intervened and got the shit beat out of him while I made my escape
#170 Accosted Tie Domi at a bar in Hull, in a nice way
#171 Drank 26 beers in one night at the cottage. Not sure where the extra two came from
#172 Tried to sing tracks of my tears on karaoke night
#173 Went night fishing at the Moon River. Didn't catch fuck all
#174 Got arrested for telling a cop I was going to kill him. Not charged thankfully but I took a bit of a beating
#175 Got kicked out of a cab in the middle of nowhere for doing who knows what. Not sure how I got home
#176 Pissed my pants before I could open the tent. Couldn't find the zipper
#177 Slept with a Hamilton Tiger Cats cheerleader
#178 Woke up the next morning and asked her "what's wrong with your face?"
#179 Slept with my driving instructor. I know what you're thinking. She was female
#180 Jerked off on my girlfriend's tits while she was sleeping. Best sex we ever had
#181 Drove from Brampton to Etobicoke after 2 am for a booty call. Did that many times
#183 Chugged a micky of gin after a bottle of Mateus. Cousin walked me around in the snow puking every 10 feet, then broke into a cottage for me to sleep it off. I was 14.
#184 Stole my Dad's boat at 2 am and drove around Georgian Bay at full throttle. 'We don't need lights".
#185 Was followed around Parkdale by a cruiser until I stopped, got out and convinced the cop she wasn't a hooker. He didn't know what I was talking about and it turned out she wasn't a hooker after all. Not sure why she got in my car in the first place.
#186 Had a fender bender, not my fault, but I was drunk. It turned out the other guy was drunk too. I told him I was going to call the cops and he split. I hid in a donut shop.
#187 Got into a shoving match with some dude over a water fountain. My buddy was yelling at me to leave the guy alone. It turned out it was girl.
This is what I remember. I shudder to think of what I can't.
Last edited by Maj on Tue May 06, 2014 6:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk
Great opening post! #156 and #178 made me laugh out loud. Looking forward to more of your tales... with detail.
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk
Can't compete with Mr. Maj's list, but #188 happened not too long ago.
It's after midnight on a Saturday (so make it Sunday), and I'm three sheets to the wind, +1 extra sheet. I can walk straight, if I make the effort and concentrate.
I have the munchies so bad, I must have some sort of salty fat-bomb of savory goodness, or I'm going to resort to eating my Laphroaig candle. The nearby 24/7 quickie mart now cooks frozen pizzas to order in their Turbo Chef (in about 3 minutes), so I decide to stumble down there for some pepperoni goodness. I make it down the stairs and down to the intersection. Standing around the traffic light pole with the crossing button are a group of people, male and female, engaged in a high-grade, extremely angry screaming match.
I stand there for probably a minute or two, expecting someone to push the button, when I realize that their attention is elsewhere, and they're probably not going to push the button. So I stumble delicately through their fight, push the button, wait half a minute or so while they ignore me completely, I mean, they don't even look at me, and cross. I can still hear the shouting from the other side.
When I returned with the pizza, they were gone. The pizza tasted heavenly, by the way.
While waiting for it to be cooked, I remember marveling at how the store was spinning about a bit. The kindly middle-eastern clerk was pleased to see me. I suspect people like me are his best customers.
It's after midnight on a Saturday (so make it Sunday), and I'm three sheets to the wind, +1 extra sheet. I can walk straight, if I make the effort and concentrate.
I have the munchies so bad, I must have some sort of salty fat-bomb of savory goodness, or I'm going to resort to eating my Laphroaig candle. The nearby 24/7 quickie mart now cooks frozen pizzas to order in their Turbo Chef (in about 3 minutes), so I decide to stumble down there for some pepperoni goodness. I make it down the stairs and down to the intersection. Standing around the traffic light pole with the crossing button are a group of people, male and female, engaged in a high-grade, extremely angry screaming match.
I stand there for probably a minute or two, expecting someone to push the button, when I realize that their attention is elsewhere, and they're probably not going to push the button. So I stumble delicately through their fight, push the button, wait half a minute or so while they ignore me completely, I mean, they don't even look at me, and cross. I can still hear the shouting from the other side.
When I returned with the pizza, they were gone. The pizza tasted heavenly, by the way.
While waiting for it to be cooked, I remember marveling at how the store was spinning about a bit. The kindly middle-eastern clerk was pleased to see me. I suspect people like me are his best customers.
"Booznik. Smooth, classy and manatee-like." --Bur
"Oh, you've been reading your Sir Kenelm Digby, haven't you? Stick to the mead recipes, especially that of the Mayor of Moscovy. That shizz is SACK!!!" --Badfellow
"Now stop and DRINK! bastards." --mistah willies
"A stand alone place for booze is as essential for a home, as is a bed to sleep on." --Miklo
"Oh, you've been reading your Sir Kenelm Digby, haven't you? Stick to the mead recipes, especially that of the Mayor of Moscovy. That shizz is SACK!!!" --Badfellow
"Now stop and DRINK! bastards." --mistah willies
"A stand alone place for booze is as essential for a home, as is a bed to sleep on." --Miklo
Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk
Yup booznik, spot on. These poor 24/7ers have to deal with so much shit all night, a barely walking drunk becomes their greatest company.
#189 standing on an ostende, belgium beach at three in the morning throwing up violently during a storm and the vomit coming out of my mouth horizontal on a rail is hitting everyone standing besides me but myself
#189 standing on an ostende, belgium beach at three in the morning throwing up violently during a storm and the vomit coming out of my mouth horizontal on a rail is hitting everyone standing besides me but myself
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- oldsmartskunk
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk
#190 Got drunk at a bar. On Monday! Hooked up with a girl who's name or face i can't remember. Used beer for a lubricant. Accidentally hit the the wrong hole. She got furious. That's when i split and left her with beer soaked vagina. Don't remember how i got home.
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk
On your pants? Or on the tent?Maj wrote: #176 Pissed my pants before I could open the tent. Couldn't find the zipper
Because you don't necessarily need a tent to piss your pants.
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk
Maybe his manly junk requires a tent to encase it?Badfellow wrote:On your pants? Or on the tent?Maj wrote: #176 Pissed my pants before I could open the tent. Couldn't find the zipper
Because you don't necessarily need a tent to piss your pants.
Me? I prefer a mumu
Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk
# 191 well, took a not-been-dropping-a-dime-in-a-week shit into a tent once and left it standing there for others to pick up
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- oldsmartskunk
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk
#192 Made best prank ever. There was a big plush teddy bear, so i undressed and hid under it. When a chick came next to it i jumped from my cover and
scared the shit out of her. We had been together for 5years after that!
scared the shit out of her. We had been together for 5years after that!
- booznik
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk
There is only one true muumuu, and that is the pink, paisley muumuu. It is always accompanied by electrical tape, shaving cream, and a hamster.mistah willies wrote:Me? I prefer a mumu
Handcuffs are allowed, but only if they have a velvet lining. And make sure the room is soundproof.
"Booznik. Smooth, classy and manatee-like." --Bur
"Oh, you've been reading your Sir Kenelm Digby, haven't you? Stick to the mead recipes, especially that of the Mayor of Moscovy. That shizz is SACK!!!" --Badfellow
"Now stop and DRINK! bastards." --mistah willies
"A stand alone place for booze is as essential for a home, as is a bed to sleep on." --Miklo
"Oh, you've been reading your Sir Kenelm Digby, haven't you? Stick to the mead recipes, especially that of the Mayor of Moscovy. That shizz is SACK!!!" --Badfellow
"Now stop and DRINK! bastards." --mistah willies
"A stand alone place for booze is as essential for a home, as is a bed to sleep on." --Miklo