Breaking in your own house

[oettinger]

Let as ull take a step in the drunks-only time-machine and go some soaky 10 years back.

It was freezing january when I met with a buddy and his girlfriend in downtown at around 8 p.m. to have some fun.
We avoided the bars we had been thrown out off over the last month and ended up in a shady dive bar made only for the retired folks.
We were welcomed with suspicion and envy.
Beers were ordered annyway as we needed a warm place to drink and I needed some empty glass to fill my beam bottle into.
I drank the bottle under the table without anyone noticing/caring when we decided to go to a night club specialized in metal music.
That was when I noticed that I was drunk. The bouncers knowing my face and my usual intake were forced to let me in because they were starving for paying customers.
My buddy then force fed me disgusting whitebeer, telling me it was cheaper then plisener. I was going to throw up, stuff was nasty, but I got through this liquid hell somehow.
Hours forward, I`m not in the the mood to throw up anymore but to have a fucking party!
Problem: it is 4 a.m. Club is closing. We begged for drink, to no avail. Thrown out.
No more drink, nothing open...
Standing there on the streets in downtown we quickly reckognized the 24/7 hotel across the street, they must have a room with a minibar!
YEEESSSS!
We approached the lobby quickly, two drunk guys and a little blonde girl.
"I handle the talking" I slurred.
"We need a room with a mini bar!" That request is something every deskclerk all around the world should know how to comply with.
Well not everyone: "No not for you" she said
To which I fittingly replied: "Why are you so fat then?"
Cops were to be called if we may not leave, which we did.

Then my buddy decided to head home and just throw my ass into a cab. Problem was no cab driver would take me voluntarily.
So my bud and his girlfriend had to go with me and then head back to their place.
When we arrived at my parents home my bud helped me the flight of stairs up to the door and asked me several times if I would manage the rest now, he handed me my keys then. To which I nodded: "Yes, I`m not stupid..."

Later I woke up standing in front of said door and fell backwards down the stairs...

Woke up standing in front of said door again but got no keys, they were gone.
Probably laying in that stupid metal club`s bathroom! Damn, what now?

Oh yeah, there`s my parents big garden right down the street I can sleep in, but it`s freezing cold and I won`t manage to climb the fence...
Hmm, yeah there`s a window in the back of the house where our cats have their little door and back in the day as a kid I did manage to get through it and open the window from the inside. Then I could squezze my head through the bars into the cellar.
Yes! I was safed!
In the backyard I noticed that all cats were long dead and there was glas where the little door used to be. But a creative person that I always am, I grabed some garden furniture table and smashed the window. Ha, take that fucker, I`m in. Just put your head here... and boing!
Damn, again, boing, and boing. Fuck it, I grew some over the years and my head must have swelled...
I`m lost now, will die the death of shiver. But then a window from above opened: "What`s going on here"
"Jürgen is that you, it`s me, I can`t get in"
It was my uncle, he said I should have just ringed, but at 5 in the morning you don`t want to disturb anyone!

Next morning the neighbours called, there obivously has been a burglar in our backyard hahaha.
Waking I did think I lost my keys when my mother approached me: "You pay for that window and here`s your keys, were lying in front of the door..."

[Mr. Viking]

break a window and it's yours. I plan on building a very large and warm shed for this reason

[mistah willies]

...Damn, again, boing, and boing. Fuck it, I grew some over the years and my head must have swelled...

Man, I actually felt that! Very funny tale

Next one!

[oettinger]

Some time ago I was the victim of the "trying to take the elevator drunk" dilemma. I live on third floor but managed only to ride to the second floor. Was so drunk that I didn`t notice the door mat and the door itself looked quite different. Tried for some 10 minutes to violently enter that damn key. Got it only halfway in, mostly scratching the door all the time.
Only then my nerdy looking scared shitless neighbour slightly opened the door and told me I was on the wrong floor. Always nice when people help each other out!

[booznik]

Some time ago I was the victim of the "trying to take the elevator drunk" dilemma. I live on third floor but managed only to ride to the second floor. Was so drunk that I didn`t notice the door mat and the door itself looked quite different. Tried for some 10 minutes to violently enter that damn key. Got it only halfway in, mostly scratching the door all the time.
Only then my nerdy looking scared shitless neighbour slightly opened the door and told me I was on the wrong floor. Always nice when people help each other out!

In America, that can get you a firearms welcoming committee. Much better to try this in Europe, I'd say. At least you observed the first rule of public drunk safety - choose the elevator over the stairs. There was that one time the stairs were heaving so violently, like a storm at sea, that I have no idea how I got both down and then back up three flights. I was in need of a ship to sail over them.

[mistah willies]

...Always nice when people help each other out!

Indeed, instead of helping someone to them pearly gates

[booznik]

...Always nice when people help each other out!

Indeed, instead of helping someone to them pearly gates

Or the toasty fires of the opposite direction.

Mmm, barbecue.

[oettinger]

...Always nice when people help each other out!

Indeed, instead of helping someone to them pearly gates

Or the toasty fires of the opposite direction.

Mmm, barbecue.

BBQ?

Huh, I want beer

[mistah willies]

BBQ?

Huh, I want beer

Yessah mista oettinger

yessah indeed my friend

[booznik]

BBQ?

Huh, I want beer

Yessah mista oettinger

yessah indeed my friend

I can't get enough BBQ beer, myself. Not to everyone's taste, but I love the stuff. Schlenkerla is readily available here. Also, Alaskan makes a seasonal one where the malt is smoked over the alder wood fires used for smoking salmon, and it is delicious.

[Mr. Viking]

wouldn't smoke beer. I love smoking, love beer, love smoky whisky but I think it needs the alcohol. I think of barbecue beer being anything kept in cans or bottles in a bucket of ice outside

[booznik]

wouldn't smoke beer. I love smoking, love beer, love smoky whisky but I think it needs the alcohol. I think of barbecue beer being anything kept in cans or bottles in a bucket of ice outside

Heheh, well they don't smoke the beer, they smoke the malt and then brew the beer. If you come across any Rauchbier, do try it just to see if it appeals. The whisky comparison is actually apt, because it's not a beer you'd want to guzzle a lot of. It's meant for savoring slowly.

And yes, your definition of barbecue beer is truly the definitive one. That is barbecue beer.

[oettinger]

What about beer through a smoking barrel?

[Mr. Viking]

made the mistake of googling "drinks squirter" looking for a comeback picture

[booznik]

What about beer through a smoking barrel?

Fulp Piction is one of those films that always go well with a first-class four-door deluxe drunk-o-matic sedan de ville.