A Decade Ago...

[KingoftheJuice]

So there I was, no shit, drinking jungle juice from a five gallon office water cooler with some friends. It should be noted that I was heavily sauced and recollect this from stories I’ve been told as well as my own hazy memory. When my buddy walks in and just like the record store scene from Half Baked says “We’re going to get tattoos and all I want to know is who’s coming with me?”. Luckily we had just been discussing over copious amounts of grain alcohol mixed with gallons of red drink from the store that having ‘MADE IN THE USA’ on your ass is the best tattoo that you could possibly get. So that pretty much sealed the deal for me and we were off. Now things get quite hazy for me but from what I’ve been told I asked for a prison style tattoo on my ass that says MADE IN THE USA. I must not have been drinking through this period of time as my memory begins to return.
I am walking down the stairs to the basement of the club they called The Centennial. All my friends from earlier are around me with mischievous smiles and I know what they’re thinking at least in hindsight. And to their astonishment I had actually done it. And I proceeded to get spanked on the ass by several of them. I may have been tossed on to a pool table but I can’t be sure. At this point it’s important to understand the environment of The Centennial. The age to drink at this particular lush dungeon was eighteen at the time. It was open until five a.m. and you could order booze until four a.m. Also it attracted some of the fattest ugliest women as though it was a Golden Corral. No offense to Golden Corral but that restaurant does have a tendency to attract rather skuzzy looking folks.
Anyhow I was back in it with a pitcher of beer in my hand when one of these foul beasts approached me. Her name was Maria. This Maria looked something of a Predator. Not like one of those dudes that Chris Hansen interviews on To Catch a Predator. I am talking like the Predator that took out a squad of elite commandos led by Arnold Schwarzenegger. So this snarling beast of a woman asks to buy me a drink and I am no one to turn down free booze so of course I take her up on her offer. Now again I browned out for a while there but I remember being outside smoking with a buddy who was about to get in a fight. This was pretty typical for this cesspool as well as for my buddy. And my friend says to me “Dude, what the fuck are you doing with that chick she looks like she got hit in the face with a hot bag of nickels?” I realized suddenly what I had been doing with this wildebeest and her willingness to feed me more booze. I was being hunted just like in Predator. So it was time to get camouflaged.
My buddy and I saw this abomination to Mankind walk out of the door. We both jumped in a nearby bush and waited. We smoked a couple cigarettes and got our wits about us as we waited for our other friends who drove us were leaving. Soon enough they all came out in a big group. But to my surprise Maria had latched on to another member of our party to my relief and horror. We waited in that bush until they were all squeezed into my buddy’s two door Dodge pickup, sprinted and jumped into the bed and lay flat to avoid detection. It was a short, tense, drunken drive back to our quarters. Once in the parking lot before the truck could stop we jumped from the bed and sprinted again to our rooms and looked out the blinds. All was clear and I eventually passed out.
I awoke to banging on my door. Still drunk but giggling like a fourteen year old after smoking some devil lettuce I answered the door. It was an authority figure of sorts. I saw some of my friends from the night outside in a similar state to me. I also saw the beastly woman. Once we had amassed the authority began. “I want to know who brought this home last night” as he pointed to the alien. Laughter erupted from everyone. What seemed to have happened was the guy that ended up bringing her home had awoke with a fright when he realized what he had done.
He then apparently took her purse, threw it in the nearest dumpster and went back to sleep. For what reason we may never know. She wakes up and can’t find her purse so she goes looking for it and runs into said authority figure. This authority orders my friend to take this woman Maria back to her lair since he was the one who drove her over to our quarters. Of course my buddy makes me come with since I was the original reason for the whole debacle.
Well that’s pretty much the gist. I wish I could find some kind of moral or meaning to this story. I just don’t think there was really anything wrong in what ended up happening. Everything worked out just the way it was supposed to. And now we all have a cool story to tell.

[Patchez]

Nice story. I like the part about, uh, well none of it really. Gives me flash backs to my younger less, shall we say discriminating days. Frankly that kind of behavior should remain in my past. The shame will only lessen, never fade.

[oettinger]

Friend of mine once had a one night stand with some girl and drunkenly shit her bed. Snuk out while she was still asleep and then noticed he forgot his wallet...
She wasn`t even that mad.

[Palinka (RIP)]

...She wasn`t even that mad.

Oh, those wacky, scatological Germans...What won't they do for fun?

[mistah willies]

Actually, that is some eloquent writing. Please contribute more of this. Funny as hell

Side note, Maria: great name for an "alien"

Isn't that the name for the dark spots on the surface of the moon?

[oldsmartskunk]

Solid story indeed. It must've been quite an ugly woman... As a proud male representative of human species, i would hit almost any kind of creature while inebriated,but even i draw a line in some extreme cases. I think you hit a jackpot here. Good thing your friend took a bullet for you. Anyway, that could've been even better if there was a threesome :D

[Dear Booze]

Come on King, ugly girls need lovin' too.