DESERT SNOW CH 3 FIGGING IT ALL OUT

[The Urbane Spaceman]

A Drink in Time. Time to Drink. Care to follow your old friend Urb for a dusty little bit? Quite parched, here.


Hello?


Ah. There you are.


I knew you’d say YES. Good on you, my friend. Let us toast to all of these magnificent people on the MDM forum boards and threads who know the Trvth of the lovely Miss Ethyl.



We come here to party.



3…

2…

1…



PROSIT


*AHEM*




There was only one person among us who knew how to navigate that labyrinthine anomaly in the dry desert of Fuckno. He knew the map of them fig trees.




But first: From a request form a tall punk-rocking Alemannic Dude: The Fucking Oett. He is an ale maniac, but he quite likes his vodka, you know.



So here is the description of the bad people.




Our large, black desert boat (built for death) held these punk bastards and two new treasures.


Fat Jerry (the huge angry baby with a purple Mohawk who owned this curious ride with many hidden compartments of condiments contained within)


Sean (wearing melted plastic leather thigh-high boots, and not much else)

Sean’s new girlfriend Monica (who was missing her friends, OMG gag me with a coke straw)


Joey (the little lion man with freshly burned paws)


Me (Urb, or, rather, Uuuuurrrrp)


Naked Chick. (Fat Jerry’s new ride)


SNOW IN THE DESERT DOES IT REALLY HAPPEN? HOW CAN IT SNOW IN THE FUCKING DESERT? THIS IS INSANE WHO THE FUCK LET THE SNOW IN THIS DAMNED PLACE? SNOW IN THE DESERT WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS MEAN



You good, The Oett? Let’s fucking go, homeboy.



Well, Joey had his hands feeling all angry from grabbing burning wood, so Fat Jerry hollered at Monica to find the first aid package in the glove compartment.

You know, it is called that in ‘Murrica because it was once where proper gentlemen used to put their condoms. The idea of a condom is that it fits like a glove. You must use a condom when you are driving, especially if it is a hitch hiker. That is why it is called the glove compartment. G-Love. Watch out, hitch hikers, if I ever pick you up.



*adjusts tie* Ahem.



I discovered that I was holding Joey up in my arms, so I set him back down. He ran to Monica and they set about fixing up his fingers and palms with salve, ointments and those sorts of things. It appeared that he would not be able to pick up a woman like a six pack of beer for a while.



We other men bent to view the damage to the fender under the warm glow from the clouds in the night sky, which reflected the hellfire beyond.


Jerry said, “I don’t wanna fuck up this tire. There’s this part here that is rubbing the tire wall. In two miles, that fucker will blow out.”


Sean said, “I can pull that out with my bare hands.”


I said, “Dude, don’t even try. You’ll cut up your fingers. We don’t need any more injuries. Jeebus Christo! Joey has burned hands, and that makes it look like he started the fire back there.”



We heard Joey whimpering from the front seat, as Monica tended to his wounds. You know, that is from where the word “Wimp” originates. From Joey at that moment.



Those other two looked at me with their mouths hanging open. No, not because they were hungry for anything. Don’t be gross. It was simply that they never heard me give an order. Well, except for More Booze.


Sean faced me directly and he said, “Well OK there, Urb. That makes sense. First time. Good for you.” Then he winked.


Jerry said, “Who is this dude here? Where’s that space monkey Urb anyways? Did he fly back to space?”


Sean laughed, and then he said, “So, what do you think we should do here and now?”


I shrugged my shoulders. I said, “Car jack.”

You see, when you panic, you do not have the ability to think beyond what is right in front of you. You will not remember your exit plan in case of fire, or someone in the workplace going mental with guns, or perhaps to write a love letter to your wife and kids and then stuff it into an empty bottle of Kraken and seal it and chuck it into the ocean in hopes that they get it,


…unless you have time to think.


When you have some time to think about your situation, only then will you be able to formulate a plan. If the gun man running amok in your workplace has not yet gotten to you, then you will remember your safety plan. Heavy things to throw will help, but they will make you a target. Do you have scissors nearby? If so, can you fight face to face with an armed man, with scissors? Should you?



Don’t be an armchair warrior. Instead, make it clean and simple. Mentally prepare for those sudeen moments. Practice until you can do it with instinct.



Me? It was none of that stuff.


I thought about changing the wheel if it got injured, and the jack and tire iron came to me.


Jerry said, “Fuck.”




He grinned, and that was when I saw a hundred fangs in a glimpse.


Then that image was gone.


It must have been the ZID and desert snow and booze. Yup. That’s what it was.

Yet, it was a window into something else. It was another side of him that no one should ever meet in a dark alley.


It truly was.




He pushed Sean away and went to collect the tools. Sean looked at me and he said, “Damn. I should have thought of that.” He shook his head slowly.


I said, “You and that jock buddy of yours, what was his name?”


He said, “Tellesco.”


I said, “Well, you and him are familiar with these lands. Do you know your way around here?”


Sean said, “Yup. We always go figging with his Jeep in these orchards!”



I said, “What the fuck does that mean?”


He said, “It means that we drive his Jeep very fast through these fig tree orchards. We swerve and spin and make clouds of dust. Sometimes we crash, but then his parents buy him a new Jeep.”


I said, “Is there a way out of here, without traveling on the streets?”



Sean’s eyes widened.



He said, “Yes. I can drive us out of here.”




Huh. How about that.




See you next time.




DRINK!





.

[oettinger]

Gunman in the office? Try to hole-punch his hand, otherwise grab a gun and join the fun, the co-workers were assholes anyway...

[mistah willies]

Yeah, really. How many staples would it take to kill a man, anyway? Pretty painful way to go. (That made me think of that Steve guy who was a bro of that Jackass dude... He used to staple his scrotum to his thigh onstage, and he got paid for it. Ouch)

[givemesomepils]

so true is the take time to plan and think part. this is the reason i don't have, 4 or 5 more possession charges than i do... even more so panicking is the reason I spent my senior year of high school on differed judication(or however it was spelled. the police seem to want to search the person who is panicking and obviously lying about everything from the direction I was coming from to the reason I was even in his jurisdiction, the passed out 17 year old drop out in the back seat didn't help either.

[oettinger]

so true is the take time to plan and think part. this is the reason i don't have, 4 or 5 more possession charges than i do... even more so panicking is the reason I spent my senior year of high school on differed judication(or however it was spelled. the police seem to want to search the person who is panicking and obviously lying about everything from the direction I was coming from to the reason I was even in his jurisdiction, the passed out 17 year old drop out in the back seat didn't help either.

You live an eventfull life. Like you are 25 years older than you really are

[givemesomepils]

so true is the take time to plan and think part. this is the reason i don't have, 4 or 5 more possession charges than i do... even more so panicking is the reason I spent my senior year of high school on differed judication(or however it was spelled. the police seem to want to search the person who is panicking and obviously lying about everything from the direction I was coming from to the reason I was even in his jurisdiction, the passed out 17 year old drop out in the back seat didn't help either.

You live an eventfull life. Like you are 25 years older than you really are

hah, it's just like chaos follows, me, and my friends. I don't try to get into any of this, much like urb here.