Krakow

[TheDrunkardAnglo]

Evening Chaps,

I was drinking in Krakow last week. Very nice place, very friendly people and most importantly very cheap alcohol. On my last night I decided to go off on an epic drinking session starting sometime in the afternoon. My cousin and I went on a tour of the river Vistula had some Zywiec beer and sat back took in the scenery. My cousin, then became a stubborn fool and insisted on going to a shopping mall for some souvenirs. I told him “Sure, but I plan to sit on this bench and neck the rest of these beers”, he left. I finished the beers and thought to myself ‘shit… I’ve spent most of my time staring at this damn castle let’s see if I can find a bar’. By bar I mean not café. There seems to be a big café culture in Krakow with people sitting outside under sun umbrellas sipping lagers. I wanted to find a place where people drink and drink big.


I found such a metropolis in the old Jewish Quarter of Krakow a place where they had 14% beers. I licked my lips and started ordering. One hour spent. Two hours spent. Three hours spent. Four hours spent. Five hours spent. I reached that moment of alcohol consumption when you feel that you’re on top of the world. In between James bloody Bond and F. Scott shitting Fitzgerald! To my knowledge I was suave, funny and absolutely charming. I think the reality is likely to be the complete opposite.

Alas I decided this was the time to leave the comfort of the bar and explore the city in its glory of the night. Walked for a good forty minutes until I found this bohemian bar, allegedly the deepest bar in Krakow. To clarify it’s underground. I drank the vodka the bar staff recommended whilst I was laughing and joking with some newly met American interrailers. I departed shaking hands and decided I wanted to stumble to my hotel and get some sleep for the flight the next day.

I was stumbling back using the walls and shop windows as a support. Until I had my arms pulled into a position from behind and pushed into a back of a van. I at this point was shouting, quite hysterically, “What do you want? Who are you?” My questions were responded with a light hit on the back of my head with a shout in broken English “shut up” as they were going through my pockets taking my belongings. I decided it was best to follow my captors’ wishes and try not to further piss them off. On arrival to the destination I was picked up and taken to a small room with a table with straps and belts. They removed my handcuffs and I started to resist whilst repeatedly shouting a manner of all curses. Four men with nurse scrubs held me onto this table whilst two others strapped me to it. At this point I was figuratively pissing myself in fear.

I started shouting. Resting and then shouting again. Another man came in with nurse scrubs I started shouting “Who are you? What do you want? This is against the European Convention of Human Rights?” He responded in broken English “This is Poland not England… you have no rights!” At this precise moment I thought oh shit. Yet as he left and slammed the door shut. I shouted in vain “That’s not true” and then continued to shout an explanation of how all 47 member states of the European Union are signed up to the European Convention of Human Rights.

Six hours later a doctor came in. He asked if I was going to “play fair”, which I of course agreed to. Took a Breathalyzer out and asked me to blow. This is the point when I realized that I was being held by the police. I was then released from my restraints, allowed to visit the water closet and then thrown into a dark room with a series of beds and chipped plaster. I said to myself “Oh shit, this is a drunk tank”. Could I believe it? Absolutely not. I’ve been shitfaced all over Europe and never have I been arrested, let alone thrown into those totalitarian drunk tanks which feel more like gulags. Being relatively centre left on the political spectrum I started to become outraged by the injustice of my whole treatment. I started shouting whilst slamming my fist against the closed door “I’m being held against my will! I have been given no charge! I am a subject of Her Majesty’s Government! I demand to speak to a delegate of the United Kingdom!” A man with a medical gown opened up the window looked in and shouted in broken English “are you crazy?” I responded “Sir, I demand to speak to your supervisor!” Another doctor came, a lady, spoke excellent English. She said I would be released at 1pm in the afternoon. I then began to negotiate my release, I had a flight at about that time. I managed to convince her to allow to go at 11am with the condition that my cousin collects me.

I was relaxed by this, but I wanted to ensure that this promise wasn’t forgotten. I later asked for my glasses, and a glass of water. They agreed to both. They came with water, I asked for the time and then I asked for my glasses again. I did this every forty minutes roughly until release.

I knocked for the last time and then I was released, the sun had been shining through a small spot of the blacked out window. I couldn’t believe it. My limbs felt exhausted and I walked to the desk. The man opened a bag and emptied its contents by dropping them on the desk. My glasses had the lenses forced out. The phone wasn’t just smashed it was stabbed through to the point that it was cheaper getting a new phone over repairing the broken components and the wallet was all intact just with the cash missing. My thinking was obvious, my phone wasn’t worth taking so they would rather smash it, but they’ll happily split the cash between them. My cousin had arrived and now they wanted to me to sign the paperwork. It was in polish. I asked for it in English, they just looked at me whilst my cousin was persistent in telling me that I should not be arguing over my treatment. I signed the paperwork and paid the fine. My card didn’t work (it was cloned on that night and I had to get the money back with a fraud claim) so I had to borrow my cousins card.

The whole arrangement felt Kafkaesque that I was supposed to pay a fine but I didn’t know the precise reasoning as to why. To my knowledge it is not illegal to walk home drunk. Yet I seemed to have been arrested for just that. I went back to my house at UNI and got my housemate who is polish to translate my receipt of the document, not the documents I had signed. She told me that according to this document the reason I was arrested because I was aggressive towards other members of the public. This was of course false. She then told me polish police horror stories. So there you go that’s my latest drinking story.

[mistah willies]

Herman!

Damn.

This true tale made me have to take a chaser of rum after my usual rum necking.

Krakow like a gunshot indeed, this tale.



(That spaceman dude could take a lesson on how to finish a tale, yup.)


A glass raised to the east form here, to your escape. Gawd help us all.

Glug and amen good sir

[Dear Booze]

Great tale indeed!

[oldsmartskunk]

Hmmmm, you did say you were reasonably drunk so you might gave done something that police didn't like. Even in a country like Poland police just don't walk around arresting drunk people.

[TheDrunkardAnglo]

According to my Polish housemate these stories are quite common. She had two beers with a friend in a park in Warsaw, when they were walking home they were asked to pay an on the spot fine for being drunk.

[Dear Booze]

I've experienced this type of behavior from the local cops in Mexico too.

On one trip, a friend of mine was harassed by a couple of policemen who were just trying to get a little cash. He opened his wallet to pay the fine and showed them that he only had $25 U.S. (he had about $300 in his sock). They took the $25 and started to walk away. That's when my buddy started complaining to them that he had no more money and would need it for a cab ride back to his hotel. They actually gave him $15 of his own money back!

[oldsmartskunk]

Well in case you are drunk here in Lithuania and you act decently police will ask you where you are going and in most cases give you ride to your place. However, if you are drunk ass you will taste pepper spray and taser treatment. And Poland is neighbour country, much more religious though. That might be it!

[oettinger]

Poland, the shithole of europe. Russia is paradise city in comparision.

Well, don`t try Bulgaria nor Romania. Cheap drink screams yes though...

[AntonArkydivich]

What's so terrible about Bulgaria or Romania? Just crooked cops?

[oettinger]

What's so terrible about Bulgaria or Romania? Just crooked cops?

These two contries were left behind in everything during soviet union times. When the curtain fell and they were left alone everything went really down the gutter. They haven`t recovered from the shock to this day

[AntonArkydivich]

Ah, yes, of course. Soviet influence had not proved to be a catalyst of growth and prosperity. But those countries are so damn cheap. 2-5 euro for a decent bottle of vodka, and I can put up with a lot of shit. I thought it was going to be something along the lines of what Brother Herman endured in Krakow.

[oettinger]

Ah, yes, of course. Soviet influence had not proved to be a catalyst of growth and prosperity. But those countries are so damn cheap. 2-5 euro for a decent bottle of vodka, and I can put up with a lot of shit. I thought it was going to be something along the lines of what Brother Herman endured in Krakow.

Sure, and also ask yourself: what are the people living there earning per month? There are some pretty sad documentaries available on the internet about Romanian kids sniffing glue while living in the underground. This glue stuff literally "blows" your mind. I mean, I like the smell of some good paint-dilluter also to be honest but will never try it in quantity.

[AntonArkydivich]

AntonArkydivich wrote:
This glue stuff literally "blows" your mind. I mean, I like the smell of some good paint-dilluter also to be honest but will never try it in quantity.

It seemed to work for Townes Van Zandt.

In all seriousness, I see what you're saying. I'm not saying that these are happy or healthy places, but I have spent a good deal of my life living and traveling to places that are neither, but are still a good time. The darkest places often breed some of the most self-aware and realistic people you could hope to meet. Shit, I grew up in one of them.

Just got to figure out that self-aware thing...

[shawnonious]

Ohhhh, jail stories. Never something we want to remember, but at the same time, they always make fantastic stories to tell when drunk.

[mistah willies]

Ohhhh, jail stories. Never something we want to remember, but at the same time, they always make fantastic stories to tell when drunk.

Yes indeed,

but only after getting out of jail.

Fuck pruno


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