HOMELAND 1 : CHEESE CAKE

[The Urbane Spaceman]

A good friend said to me, tonight:

Durch deine eigene Hand willst du deinem Schicksal begegnen


However, it sounded like this: Mit ka huna mit ka funa


Forgive me, I’ve been reading/listening/hearing/drinking very badly. Well, except for the last part.


It hasn’t been only tonight.



Now,


DRINK! with me.



Let’s go antipodal.




“Hello! I was hoping you’d come around. Do you need more snow?”


“I want something that I don’t need. I want to talk with you.”





“Please come inside.”


“Thank you. I will come inside… I will come inside you.”






“What was that?”

“I said *ahem* I said, Thank You.”




You know, she wore perfume, and her clothing matched her eyes: Green. This dame was tight, and perfect in her appearance, much like a doll. It was a bit too perfect. There are things which lie hidden form everyone else until it is the worst time to discover such things. And yet, I would fuck her. I would fuck her in many ways, beyond simple penis insertion.



This is why:


Urb.




“What have you been up to? You smell strange.”


“Hah? *ahem* Yes. Of course. First thing is that I thank you for welcoming me in your safe place. The second thing is that I have been at a fire.”





“Wait! What did you do? Did you guys blow up another place?!”


“No, No. It was a good fire. That is why I’m smoky. C’mon, I wouldn’t put you in danger. Gimme a break. Jeez.”




First Lie.


It was one of those dangerous lies you tell people. Ya know, not one of the honest lies.




“So, Ok, for now. Here.”


“Thank you. Does this have drugs in it?”





“Oh my gawd! No! I wouldn’t do that to you!”


“Huh. Damn. I would have enjoyed it. But thank you, my dear Lady.”





“So, what happened tonight?”


“Mmmm. This wine is exquisite. Is it a good wine? I’m used to Night Train. But, fuck Boone’s Farm. I have standards. Too much sugar.”





“Holy shit. Why did I open up this bottle of Sauternes? Um, yes, this wine is a planet with rings around it. There are many of these wines, as there are with stones around Saturn.”


“Hah? It chugs well. OK, so, let’s have a chat.”




Drinkdrinnkdrinkdrinkdrinnnkddddrrrriiiiiiinnnnkkkkdrinkdrinkdirendirtdrinkdrankdrannkdruunnnkkkdrnikdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkamen



“Care for another glass?”


“I have no class. I am not a good Drunkard, in the Modern manner.”




“I’m asking if I should take this bottle with us.”


“In that case, yes. You are a very dangerous woman, indeed.”





You know, it is one thing to watch a woman drop her clothes on the floor and then spread her thighs.



It is quite another thing to watch a woman who will take the time to peel off her tight dress, and unhook her fishnets form her garter snakes, and then slip them down. The true test of a real woman is that she will never cause a run in her fines form scratchy heels or ugly toenails. She takes the time to care for herself, for you.


Or, perhaps, for someone. But, not for anyone. This word, “Anyone” well, it means this: She will not even have anything fine to worry about at all.


This one took care of her adornments, but of course, she was quite whorish. In the best possible manner.



“Please leave your jacket on the floor, not on the bed.”


“Umm, no. This is my leather. I always mind my leather. This will go on the chair.”





“Oh. Mmmm. That’s, um, that’s interesting. Are you a bad boy?”


“No. I’m not a bad boy. I’m a good man, but I’m being very bad now.”





“Oooh! Will you treat me badly?”


“Indeed. I will treat you very badly. But I will not harm you at all here and now. I will only bring harm to myself tonight.”




“Enough with the talking! Get inside me!”


“Easy now. Let me get my boots off.”





“No! Leave them on!”


“Um, hah?”





I think that she wanted me to have my pants all balled up around the tops of my Docs in order to have her own protection. Yes, of course, that was it.




She was a nasty girl. I could smell it. I cracked her open and thrusted, and she put her legs up around my neck, and as I pounded her, a strange odor emanated. Umami. Not in the good sense. More like; French cheese. However, that is very good, but not at this moment.




You know, Bonaparte always told Josephine to not wash for three days before he returned form battle.. it’s true. Man, them French truly love women in ways that we mere mortals will never rise to.


But, I rose to her.




I wanted to finish her off because, due to the drinking all night, I could not *ahem* arrive at her port. I could not come, even after several hours of thrusting my mighty ship into her home port.



OK, Ok. It was more like ten minutes, and I got a cramp in my arse muscles.



Jeez. Happy now?



Yes: I decided to go down on her, because I am a gentleman. But she would have to do me after. Memo: Always get yours first. There is no chaser in this sort of drink.




I faced a very important consideration. It makes my nose sting to even think about it now, and my eyes water now.



I grabbed the bottle of the fancy French wine and I drizzled her cup with fine wine.

Then I licked her up.



It took the rest of the bottle to finish my cheese and crackers, and after that, I didn’t care about having my own seconds.





“Oh my gawd! I’ve never had this happen before!”


“I know. Me neither! I have to use your restroom now. Then I will return, fresh faced.”








Now, you know that I used her toothbrush to wash all of the stuff out of my mouth, and I gargled and rinsed, and then I got the fuck out.




I took one for the team.




I was my own team.




I was now on my own.



I was going to fuck everything up for everyone.




Including me.



I just didn’t give a fuck anymore.



You know, such a thing makes a man a very dangerous person.




This is the first part of the ending. Now DRINK!



Always promise to do such a thing.



Always drink.



Amen.





.





Drinkdrinnkdrinkdrinkdrinnnkddddrrrriiiiiiinnnnkkkkdrinkdrinkdirendirtdrinkdrankdrannkdruunnnkkkdrnikdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkamen





.




“Urb! Where the hell did you go last night? That Fat Jerry took you outside and then you fuckers disappeared. We spent all night looking for you!”


“Yeah. I’m sure you did.”




.

[oettinger]

Nice porn there Urb.
Ýou know the 50 shades of red?

[mistah willies]

Yeah, but that's not good porn. Damn. I was looking forward to a nice place of Formula butter crackers and American cheese food product, you know, the shiny slices that are individually wrapped in cellophane and give you the shits after,

Now I'm curious about Roquefort. Thanks a lot there space fucker. You ruined my morning.

[oettinger]

the shiny slices that are individually wrapped in cellophane and give you the shits after,

We call em nuklear-cheese