HOMELAND 2 : LOCKS

[The Urbane Spaceman]

Locks are made to keep good people honest…


But you know me.


This was from Emeralda:


“Oh, my goodness! Whew! You made me Thirsty! Would you grab something form the fridge? Something for us both, I mean. Then, we should have round two? I need you inside me.”

“What do you have in there? Just cheese and crackers?”




“Oh, no. I also have whites and reds in the fridge. How about a mix of those two? Like a blend, a Rose?”


“You got it. I’ll blend you a good drink. Then I will explore.”







“Mmmmm. Please hurry! I’m all wet here.”





“Yes, I... *ahem* I will show you a good time.”




I fixed her a good drink. I stuck with the red for myself, for I am Red. After she tasted my mixture, she thought it tasted funny. I told her that she tasted funny. She giggled, and then I went in. The aftermath was horrible for us both.



After she passed out, asleep, I went looking. I found what I was looking for. Then I bailed on her.



Forever.



I can never return to Fuckno.



Here, to you, my friend who is reading this, let us raise a chalice to the innocent times of yore, back when honest lying and stealing and cheating meant much more than it does these days.


drinkdrinkdrinkdrinksrinksrinksrniksrnkdnsndkdrinkdrinksndirksnkdnksudrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkalwaysdrinktahoo




“Urb! Where the hell did you go last night? That Fat Jerry took you outside and then you fuckers disappeared. We spent all night looking for you!”


“Yeah. I’m sure you did.”




“Hey man. You smell like smoked pussy. Be real. Your face looks like you just got done eating a glazed doughnut. What the hell did you eat?”


“Huh. Well, Joseph, I ate cheese and crackers. I will never do that again.”





“Heheheeee! You damned Injuns and your milk issues!”


“Heh. Yeah, let’s go with that. I’m ready to wash all this filth off.”




“You want a fresh wash cloth? HAHAHAHAHA!”


“Shit. We don’t have those. I’ll just use cheap beer to wash and I’ll be using the hand towel hanging in there.”





“HA! That thing is standing up in the corner!”


“We got any toilet paper? I’ll wash up with that. Hey, I heard that beer is good for the hair, ain’t that right?”




“Yeah, but, beer can give you a yeast infection. Duuuuude.”


“No worries, I probably have that covered.”




Indeed, I needed soap.




Hey, don’t judge me. You would also use toothpaste to wash up, wouldn’t you? Just drinkin’ here, but, never do such a thing. It can sting. Actually, it does. Trust me here. But, sometimes, even soap isn’t enough to clean the filth that stains you.




Now, I apologize most profusely to those of you who have taken the time to read these descriptions of bad things that occurred all these years; such as house explosions and death, lying to cops, ingesting and also selling drugs such as ZID and weed and desert snow, lying, cheating and stealing, abducting stealing bastards and smearing them with their own feces and leaving them naked and tied up in the bad part of town and then raiding their place and stealing everything form them; running form angry bikers who sought their own version of justice upon us, and us, we assholes who fucked each other over all the time in our drunken, drugged out haze of self-importance; and of course, naked chicks and crazy fat punkers, only to end up with cheese and crackers. So far…



This is about escape and redemption. You simply must continue along with me here, as we go even deeper. It’s the only way to dig ourselves out of this grave. We will dig ourselves out of this cavern if we follow the light of the DRINK.




DRINK is our saving grace. Never doubt this.



Always mind your leather. This will save you. Never let it drop to the ground, and never let anyone else try on your leather. Leather is earned.


Let’s continue, shall we?






drinkdrinkdrinkdrinksrinksrinksrniksrnkdnsndkdrinkdrinksndirksnkdnksudrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkalwaysdrinktahoo



Now:


Don’t judge me. You would also use toothpaste to wash up, wouldn’t you? Just drinkin’ here, but, never do such a thing. It can sting. Actually, it does. Trust me here, form back in that age, 30 years ago.



I stepped out into the sunlight and witnessed how the desert has its own desolate beauty. It is the Joshua tree, it is the agave, and it is the ancient river silt. It speaks of eons. There are finely crushed mollusk shells in the desert form back when the whole earth was under the weight of a single, mighty ocean. That is what polishes the feldspar into fool’s gold, those shell and grains of sand. It is the reason that the desert sand changes color depending on the time of day, to this very day.




It is, indeed, a land of change, and it is meant to exist for eons. Just ask Dear Booze.




I had this thing inside me, and no, it was not form what I had eaten a few hours before. It was this:

The dichotomy of a man. I mean, how do you look at your friend when you have fucked him over? What does this say about you?




It doesn’t matter what he did to you, in his own sordid ways. That’s just an excuse for your own bad behavior. That’s bailing out. That’s chicken shit. But I did it. That is why it has been such a hard time to finish this tale. I will get this all out, and then it will be what is was.




RRRRRRRGH.



I stole something form her. I stole a kilo. And then I put Joey in danger. And then I ran. I went home. I ran away like a little bitch, crying in my frozen mittens. I was done.






THE END.








OK.



NO.





It went deeper. I did too.




RRRRRGH.




This true tale will not take two more weeks to continue.


This will be done, finished before the New Year. It will take some time to write these out of me head, form my own sordid past.





RRRRRRGH.




Fucking DRINK with me, wontcha?



Tahoo.




I like that about you. Let's work together here, cool?


.

[oettinger]

1 kilo?
Wow

Also, beer on freshly brushed teeth is the worst taste god ever invented in his minibar

[Dear Booze]

...I stole something form her. I stole a kilo. And then I put Joey in danger. And then I ran. I went home. I ran away like a little bitch, crying in my frozen mittens. I was done...

Wow!

The honest voice in this writing is scary good.

Wow!

[mistah willies]

Wait, was that the ending? After all these years? Well, about damned time.

Bastard. No explosions or gunfire. I want my money back.