Never Drink and Drive

Remember what happened last night? Good. Now tell the world.

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Patchez
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Never Drink and Drive

Post by Patchez »

Drinking stories huh? I have one or two.

As a disclaimer I know you should not drink and drive. This story should in no way condone or glorify drinking and driving. This was done when I was young and dumb. The story does involve drinking and driving.

It started innocently enough at one of our many Squadron dorm parties. If I remember correctly it was the Unusual Drinking Apparatus party. You could drink from the kegs for 5 bucks as long as you had something other than a cup to drink out of. If you had nothing unusual or lacked imagination an extra 5 bucks bought you a good ole red solo cup.

I had a plastic T-Rex that you could get at Dollar General. Other items being drank out of included a kids travel pee jug thing, an old school douche bag that looked like one of those blow up punch balls, a hot water bottle, syringes stolen from the medics, squeeze ketchup and mustard bottles you could refill for picnics, and one cheap asshole who was drinking out of his nasty combat boot.

So we have 5 kegs for roughly 100 Airmen and women. Party starts at noon. With the usual “Hey we brought a fifth of ______. Does this get two of us in?” Yes. Yes it did. We end up with maybe 20 bottles give or take.

By 2000 hours the beer and hooch were gone. The sometime drinkers were in La La land stumbling around the dorms or passed out in the bushes or in their rooms. The rest of us, maybe ¼ were headed somewhere else to continue drinking. Most opted for the Airman’s Club on base.
My road dog and battle buddy B. Willy and myself were having none of that shit. We were young, barely 21 and stationed a ½ hour south of fucking Miami. Staying on base or close to base due to limited taxi funds was just pussy choices. Of course neither of us had a car so that through a hitch in our plans.

We decided there was only one option, hit up Lukie or one of the other girls from the Admin dorm next to ours that had a car and would be willing to drive us around. After knocking on three or four doors of ladies we knew in the Admin dorm on floors two and three we decide to bail. Down the middle stairwell to head out the front door. As we head out Willy notices a set of keys hanging in a door just down the hall. We continue outside when Willy stops and says “Think there were any car keys on those keys?”

“Not sure,” came my reply, “Wait one”. I duck back in and walk down the hall. Ear pressed to the door, I hear nothing. A gentle rap, enough to notify someone awake but not hard enough to rouse the passed out brought no response. I snatch the keys and haul ass outside.

Twenty minutes of fumbling through the parking lot cocked full of Honda’s we find the one that matches the Honda key on our ring. Hot damn only 2100 hours. Still plenty of night life left in Miami! We scurry back to our respective rooms for gloves since we ar stealing a car and fireworks since if our tags get reported for shenanigans it’s not registered to us. A quick stop for more beer at the Circle K and a fill up, putz only had a quarter tank in it, then we were away.

Up A1A from Homestead toward Miami we roar, well not roar, but zip. We clear Cutler Ridge and enter South Miami or some such. Frist bar we see we stop. Wrong choice. Two Air Force crackers in a bar full of Cubans. We pause at the door and try to look natural. We walk to the bar and do the only thing you can do in this situation. Buy a Corona and a shot for the whole bar. Suddenly we were everyone’s long lost cousin. This was when I was introduced to honest to Bacchus the true Cuban Sandwich. It was magnificent and managed to not cut our significant buzz too much. Rounds were bought for us and we bought one more round as the night was young and still full of triumphs! We headed up the road.

As we blew up the highway toward Miami Beach and party central it seemed like a good time to race bottle rockets fired from my hand out the window aimed in our direction of travel. 17 rockets later we determined we weren’t likely to out run any.

We make it to Miami Beach unscathed and unarrested. We stumble down Washington Blvd a few streets back from the main club are of South Beach looking for cheaper diveyer bars. We swing by my favorite punk venue the Cameo Theater if memory serves it would have been the night I saw Agnostic Front. I never really recall but I did have an Agnostic Front T-shirt and If I haven’t seen them I won’t where it.

This was also the night I vaguely recall finding Max’s Club Duece, after all the regular bars closed Max’s stayed open till 0400. Took me months to find this glorious dive again because the day after I couldn’t tell you the location or the name. Just a hazy description of the inside. Checker board floors and filth.

Max’s throws us all out at 0400 and we struggle to find where the hell we left the car. An hour of drunken back tracking dodging tranny hookers, real hookers and crack dealers, we find the car. Back down the highway we bomb a tad more undrunk than the incoming trip due to the dry search.
We raid the last twelve pack of MGD on the way back. As I’m hanging out the window drinking a beer and firing Roman candles in the air a back of bikers rolls up the highway around us. The lead cat motions for a beer, so I hand him the one I’m drinking. He howls and peels away as eight more of his crew roll up for hand outs. 70 mph down A1A back toward Homestead.

We hit the parking lot as false dawn is hitting , that surreal half light of the wee hours before true dawn. The tank gauge is almost exactly where it was when we stole it. We chuck the keys down the hall close to the door we snatched them from and stagger our way back to the dorms.

Never try this at home or away from home. Drinking and driving is bad kids.
Now you're ready for some anti-dry-otics!-BeerMakesMeSmarter

If worms had daggers, birds wouldn't fuck with them-Todd Snider

Blackout and be extraordinary-Absinthe of Malice

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mistah willies
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Re: Never Drink and Drive

Post by mistah willies »

Gawdamn.

Felt like I was watching a movie. False dawn description: immaculate.

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oettinger
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Re: Never Drink and Drive

Post by oettinger »

What a happy ending.
Drink!
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Lush City
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Re: Never Drink and Drive

Post by Lush City »

I see an Oscar winning screenplay!
Found myself in the Matrix and took the red pill. Now I want the blue pill and my bottle and leave me alone.
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oettinger
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Re: Never Drink and Drive

Post by oettinger »

Lush City wrote:
Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:26 am
I see an Oscar winning screenplay!
Hammered 24/7 movies presents, based on a true story, Never Drink and Drive
starring Jean Claude van Drunk
Shelly Lester in her first major role after detox
and young Kevin Baked as the "officer"
in a John McShitfaced movie
coming to bars near you this summer.
You will not remember it!
Drink!
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