Polska: the Route to Redemption

[TheDrunkardAnglo]

I am back. Back in Polska. It has been nine years since I've been to the Republic of Poland. I left Poland nine years ago in disgrace. Blood and piss soaked trousers, broken glasses, a smashed phone and a receipt for a night in a drunk tank.

For sometime it was an open wound, a unpleasant hangover, a painful memory. Though like all wounds it healed. It became a funny scar. Something you'd get out and show people after a few drinks at parties. Drinking is living. Living is drinking. At the end of the innings. The close of play. We will see it is all character building. What does not make you a better person, will make you a funnier one. Or perhaps a bitter one, if you allow that wound to fester. It is all about how you play the game. When you come up to bat. Play the ball, not the man. Play with character and fortitude. In your darkest most humiliating moments, do not cower. Embrace that moment with your chest. Suck on it like some beer fraulein's left tit. There is dignity in this. It is all a test. It is cricket.

In spite of my irreconcilable difference of opinion with the Republic of Poland regarding the events that transpired that fateful evening nine years ago I do like Poland. I like the food; being British odd looking soups and dumplings is gourmet. I love and have loved the women. Their beer and vodka is some of the best. The history is that of struggle and resistance.

This is the start, follow this thread for more drunkard ramblings as i seek to get to the heart of Warsaw drunkardness. There will be supporting cast appearances  from Ohio Rob and the cousin. I am of course the protagonist.

[Badfellow]

The rate of pregnancies increases an average of 20% in those nations visited by the DrunkardAnglo. Coincidence? I think not.

[Badfellow]

So, then. What in Lech Wałęsa‘s mustache is going on over there in Polska?

You see, every time we don’t hear from you in a while, we’re prone to assume the worst. Was the DrunkardAnglo detained and thrown into some decrepit jail cell? Did he get into a scrap with some local farmer over the inadvertent impregnation of said farmer’s daughter? Was he abducted by Belorussians and conscripted into the army? Or maybe he decided to become a Scientologist?

Speak up, you besotted, British manwhore. We demand details!

[oettinger]

True, we`re collecting bail money and I`m ready to drive east to grab you

[Thompson]

Tell us more about the odd looking soups and dumplings.

[Badfellow]

Tell us more about the odd looking soups and dumplings.

Sorry, Thompson. But this is how it goes with that Anglo wanker. Builds us up to this fantastic adventure in a mysterious foreign land. Then he drops you off at "the club" and absconds with your baggage and belongings like a bloody gypsy cab driver. He’s probably back in merry ol’ England right now, drinking tea with his pinky in the air and having himself a good guffaw while he paws through our suitcases. That bastard.

[Thompson]

Tell us more about the odd looking soups and dumplings.

Sorry, Thompson. But this is how it goes with that Anglo wanker. Builds us up to this fantastic adventure in a mysterious foreign land. Then he drops you off at "the club" and absconds with your baggage and belongings like a bloody gypsy cab driver. He’s probably back in merry ol’ England right now, drinking tea with his pinky in the air and having himself a good guffaw while he paws through our suitcases. That bastard.

I wouldn’t mind so much if he didn’t have his pinky in the air.

[oettinger]

I think pinky in the air means your tea is spiked. Brits and their weird ways

[TheDrunkardAnglo]

Day 1

Arrive in Warsaw. Head to the flat. Drop the bags off. Ohio Rob is outside waiting. He has beers in his hand. Good lad. Drop the bags off and we head to a pub. Few polish lagers and we head to another place. More beers and then another.

It's getting late some women arrive they ask us if we want to go to a strip club. Cousin replies "hun you are barking right up the wrong tree. I'm gay" they don't quite understand so he gets a tad more specific. "I like cock!" He slowly bellows. They understand.

We find a shot bar, 7 zloty. We move onto the next bar. This time some kind of cherry liquer. Kind of like port. Have a glass. Smoke a few cigarettes and then I find my people.

A belarussian bar. It's in the garden. Everyone is speaking Russian. I shout "Tvorarich. Yest piva?" they laugh "fucking hell man, how do you know this word?" I explain I've watched a lot of old Soviet movies. Two girls join us. One an artsy dancer and her less than attractive friend. The less than attractive friend takes a liken to Ohio Rob.

Ohio Rob tells me that he isn't interested. Moments later he tells me he's an equal opportunity fuck. They exchange details. She's messaging him all night.

We take a pit stop back at the flat, cousin wants to change, and then we return. Drink more drinks and head towards a gay bar cousin wants to go to.

We're in the queue. They tell cousin that they don't like his look. He's not gay enough. He bellows "what the fuck! I am gay! Do you want to see my grinder? I am gay" he's fuming. He's leaving shouting "dyke", "muff muncher" and loads of shit related to carpets.

I tell him in all fairness I agree with the bouncers, that he isn't gay. It's just that his boyfriends are.

We stumble upon mcdonalds. The golden arches. Ohio Rob's eyes glow. I don't think I've ever seen the chap so happy. We pop in. We get some food. Sit back and watch as some polish police manhandle some drunk.

I laugh as I light a cigarette and mutter "I've been there pal". I think they were probably rougher with this guy compared to me. They completely body slammed him on the road and gave him a jolly hard knee to the head.

Hopefully, he wasn't carrying any cash.

Day 2

Wake up drink some coffee, smoke some cigarettes. Went to an old style cafeteria they call them milk bars in Poland. Had some dumplings and a pork steak with potato pancakes. Cheap and cheerful.

We head to the Palace of Culture and Science. When they were rebuilding Warsaw. Stalin offered a gift to the city. Either a Metro or one of his fuck off style buildings. They picked the building. Its well used in Warsaw, each part has a different function and there some restaurants, bars and cafes. I like the style, damn Nikita Sergeyevich for stopping Stalinist Architecture.

We head back, have a little nap and head to a karaoke bar. We were only going to stay for one. 3 hours later Cousin is singing Rick Astley. Whilst doing the gesture for Legia Warsaw to the punters. They love him. I'm telling everyone who will listen that I am his manager.

Outside in the smoking area. I'm talking to a girl. Unfortunately due to some drunkardness. Some spittle came out. It hit her in the face. I recovered from this moment, but still not my finest hour. Then again, who gives a shit.

We then went to a couple of bars. Cousin was beginning to flag. He left early. Embarrassing. Ohio Rob and I went to the Belarussian bar. It was dead. Ohio Rob left half an hour later.

What was I to do? Return to the apartment like a coward or go off into Warsaw for my own adventure. Brothers and sisters of the Bachus this is what I did.

Went to bar all the tables outside for the smokers were occupied. I asked if I could join and we smoked several cigarettes before heading to a club called Club Habano. These guys were pretty gay. One referred to himself as an "ice queen". I still haven't worked out what that means. Anyway they said don't worry it's a "hetro club" I arrive its not bad. Its massive. Easy to get a drink. The music isn't obnoxiously loud, you can have a conversation. They have an inside area where you can smoke. I'm mingling, talking to people. Necking beer and vodka. I'm getting quite fucked. I take a seat. The room is fucking spinning. I try to concentrate on the smoke from my cigarette. It did not work its spinning too. Fuck, I head towards the exit. Get back to the apartment for six am.

Day 3

A hungover non day. Just getting beers to keep hangover at bay.

We fly out the next day.

Went through Warsaw drunk and hungover no trouble.

[TheDrunkardAnglo]

Apologies comrades, been a busy period with work and trying to get my willy wet.

[oettinger]

Very nice writeup, thanks

[benitobeast69]

Apologies comrades, been a busy period with work and trying to get my willy wet.

missed you man x