Offensive bar jokes

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Oggar
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Offensive bar jokes

Post by Oggar » Tue May 20, 2003 9:22 pm

So there I was walking down the beach with those cliffs and I came across this little boy sitting on a blanket crying his eyes out.
"Little boy, little boy what's the matter?"
The little boy sobbing replies, "My mommy and daddy were over by the edge and they fell off and they died."
Looking down and unzippiing my fly I say, "It just ain't your day is it kid?"
Last edited by Oggar on Fri Oct 08, 2004 2:22 am, edited 1 time in total.
I can't write like Papa, you know I just ain't able
But if he came in here tonight, I'd drink him under the table -Ronny Elliott

RIP Mayhem, as long as I have a heart you are in it.

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fdoosey
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Post by fdoosey » Wed May 21, 2003 6:50 am

:shock:

Damn.

Here's one for the fire:

A businessman was in Japan for a meeting. One night there, he gets drunk and solicits a Japanese prostitute. The whole time during sex, the hooker keeps moaning, "Nagachi ana! Nagachi ana!" The businessman assumes she's complimenting his prowess in bed and keeps going.

The next day, he's playing a round of golf with the Japanese businessmen. One of the Japanese swings and lands a hole in one. The American, trying to impress his cohorts with his knowledge of Japanese, claps and says, "Nagachi ana!"

The Japanese businessman turns to him and says, "What the hell do you mean, the wrong hole?"

*rimshot*

Thank you, next week I'll be at Uncle Funny's Yuk House....
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methfront: the man who wanted to steal a shopping cart of bowling balls and drop them from the back of a car down route 36 doesn't want to sow bitterness
fdoosey: No, he just wanted to have fun with a shopping cart of bowling balls.

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Post by Calico_Jack » Sun Jun 01, 2003 6:49 pm

The manager of the liquor board gets a phone call at 8 pm. "At what time do you open tomorrow?" asked the caller.
"At nine," he answered.
The phone rings at midnight "What time do you open ... in the morning?"
"At nine".
The phone rings at 4 in the morning "Whatt tim do ya openn in the mornin?"
"I told you before at nine".
"Imm just inn aa hury cause i got locked in tha stor las nite".

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massivedrunk
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Post by massivedrunk » Thu Jun 19, 2003 12:22 pm

a man walks into a bar and orders a scotch, when he goes to pay he only has fifty cents. the bartender enraged goes to his manager to complain. the mangager says not to worry the cook will take care of it. the patron passes out on the bar where he is violated by the cook and left in the back. this happens four days in a row. on the fifth day he walks in and asks for a pbr. the bartender asks why and he says scotch hurts my ass.
Still just figuring it all out. Still not really figuring it out.

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Templenaut
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Post by Templenaut » Wed Jul 02, 2003 3:35 am

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between
your breasts" he says.

"You dirty git" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I fetch my husband"

The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts
this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your
arse and lick it all off" he says.

"You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out." she storms

Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again. "One more
chance" says the barmaid. "Now what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, fill your cunt with Guinness, and then
drink every last drop".

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to
fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly

"What's up, Love?" he asks. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put his
head between my breasts and lick the sweat off" she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick
it off" she screams.

"Right, he's dead" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my cunt with Guinness
and then drink it all" she cries. The husband puts down his bat and returns
to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of
Guinness...
Last edited by Templenaut on Wed Jul 02, 2003 10:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"I go places and do things and THEN tell my wife" - Oliver Hardy

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PeepingTomCollins
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Post by PeepingTomCollins » Wed Jul 02, 2003 3:36 pm

:wink: I like it ... unfortunately I think some of us yanks won't get quite the same picture from it. A fanny here isn't a fanny there.

I remember I said something about 'my' fanny to my girlfriend's mom (she's a Brit) when I was in Spain 6 years ago and she looked at me like I was loony and laughed for 10 minutes straight. See, I am a guy.

Fanny here is more like your bottom or ass-cheeks (hence fanny-pack for that stupid little pouch some people wear on their hip) ... fanny there is a vagina. Here, Fanny is a common female name as well ... I am sure you guys crack up over that one from time to time.

Regards,
-your mother is a hottie
peeping tom

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Templenaut
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Post by Templenaut » Wed Jul 02, 2003 10:05 pm

Thanks mate - a little bit of editing has fixed that problem.
"I go places and do things and THEN tell my wife" - Oliver Hardy

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PeepingTomCollins
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Post by PeepingTomCollins » Wed Jul 02, 2003 10:15 pm

Yes, that takes care of it nicely. :D
-your mother is a hottie
peeping tom

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Hugh Janblack
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Post by Hugh Janblack » Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:28 pm

this guy at a bar has been drinking for a long ass time. he figuers it time to go home so he goes to get up but cant stand. the bartender walks to him and trys to help him back in his chair but the drunk man wont let him. so the drunk guy crawls out the bar and down to street. crawls up the stairs and barely get the key in the door. goes in the apartment and slowly craws into bed. the next day he walks up with a major hangover. his wife was standing over him with a very pissed off look on her face. "you went out drinking again right" she asked him. "how did u know" he said back. she then said "the bartender called and said that you left your wheelchair at the bar again.
Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

It will hurt less if you don't struggle.

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Joe Twelvepack
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Post by Joe Twelvepack » Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:36 pm

My mom has a friend who had polio as a kid and needs a pair of crutches to get around at all. In his wilder days, his friends would sometimes steal his crutches to keep him out at the bar longer.
stop thinking start drinking

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UnkleLemmy
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Post by UnkleLemmy » Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:44 pm

A bear walks into a bar in Boise, Idaho. He sits down and tells the bartender, "I'll have a beer."

The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Boise."

The bear says, "Come on buddy I'm really thirsty"

But the bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Boise."

So the bear says, "Look, I'm really fuckin thirsty. I'll pay you double."

But again the bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Boise."

The Bear is pissed of at this point so he grabs the lady sitting in the stool next to him, rips her head off and eats her whole. The he yells at the bartender, "GIVE ME A FUCKIN BEER OR I"LL DO THE SAME TO YOU!!"

So the bartener says, "Hey I allready told you we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Boise. And we certainly don't serve it to bears on drugs!"

"Drugs, I'm not on rugs!" roared the bear.

"Why of course you are," said the bartender, "That was a bar bitch you ate!"





HawHawHaw :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Joe Twelvepack
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Post by Joe Twelvepack » Mon Jul 14, 2003 3:06 pm

Man walks into a bar, says, "Gimme a shot of Jack." Bartender brings the shot, the man slams it back, bartender asks, "You okay, buddy?" The man says, "No, I just found out my youngest son is gay." Gets up, walks out.

Two weeks later, same guy walks into the bar. "Bartender, gimme a Jack, and make it a double." Bartender asks what's wrong, he says, "I just found out my middle son is gay." Downs the shots, walks out.

Two weeks later, he walks into the bar again, almost crying. "Bartender, gimme a damn pint of Jack." Bartender asks what's wrong, he says, "I just found out my oldest son is gay!" Drinks the Jack down like water and stumbles out.

Another couple of weeks, the guy walks back into the bar. This time he's already shit-faced. "Bartender," he slurs, "jush bring me the damn bottle!"

Bartender says, "Shit, man, doesn't anybody at your house like chicks?"

"Yeah," says the guy. "My wife."
stop thinking start drinking

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Hugh Janblack
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Post by Hugh Janblack » Mon Jul 14, 2003 3:11 pm

Guy runs into a bar yelling at the bartender....

"I need 6 shots of whiskey fast!!!"

The bartender scrambles and gets the shots lined up on the bar.

The man then shoots all 6 of them in a row like nothing.

The bartender is amazed at this and the man notices his reaction, so the man says...

"Trust me, if you had what I have you would drink like this too!!"

The bartender says, "Jesus Christ man, what do you have??"

The man says, "60 cents." And runs out of the bar.
Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

It will hurt less if you don't struggle.

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Joe Twelvepack
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Post by Joe Twelvepack » Mon Jul 14, 2003 3:25 pm

I've heard that one before, but it's one of my favorites. Someday I'll have the balls to try it myself. So if you ever see a fat skinhead hoofin it down the road with a bartender after him, pull over and gimme a ride.
stop thinking start drinking

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Frankennietzsche
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Post by Frankennietzsche » Mon Jul 14, 2003 3:26 pm

A man getsw home from work, yells at his wife "Hurry up and bring me a beer before it starts!" Wife brings him a beer and goes back doing whatever she was doing. A minute later, "Hurry up, and bring me a beer before it starts!" She brings him another, which he also chugs. A few minutes later "Hurry up and bring me a beer before it starts!" She brings beer and finally asks "What are you in such a hurry for?" To which, the man shakes his head and mumbles "Aw hell, it's started."

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