Offensive bar jokes

[kowalski]

What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant?

Me hat me coat

Nice one David Jason :-)

[Negromancer]

What's the best part about being 36?
















Banging broads half your age and not going to jail for it.

HAHA! I'll have to remember that one!

[Jelmo]

What's the advantage of being demented?
You can hide your own easter eggs.

I thought. Well. Since it's Easter and stuff...

[Wingman]

okay, then....

what's this (hold arms out to either side, hang head down, and put one foot atop the other)?

a hell of a way to spend good friday.

[Jelmo]

Yesterday at the bar I told my buddy what happened the day before.

I walked home from work and heard somebody screaming for help. I looked over the fence, from which the screams seemed to come and what I saw was a girl stuck with her leg in a railroad track. Already heard the train whistles blowing far away, so I rushed over to her and tried to pull her leg free.
But it didn't seem to work. I saw the train approaching on the horizon while I twisted and turned the girl but I just couldn't get her loose. She was shaking with fear as the train came closer and closer and I tried my best to save her. 30 feet away, 20 feet away... *pause* Shit it was chaos man... I had to jump aside so I didn't get run over.

I took the girl home and we had a wild night. Kept going for hours and hours like crazy.

My buddy: Wow, so was it just fucking or was she good at giving blow as well?

My response: I wouldn't know, her head got run over by the train.

[BeerMakesMeSmart]

Yesterday at the bar I told my buddy what happened the day before.

I walked home from work and heard somebody screaming for help. I looked over the fence, from which the screams seemed to come and what I saw was a girl stuck with her leg in a railroad track. Already heard the train whistles blowing far away, so I rushed over to her and tried to pull her leg free.
But it didn't seem to work. I saw the train approaching on the horizon while I twisted and turned the girl but I just couldn't get her loose. She was shaking with fear as the train came closer and closer and I tried my best to save her. 30 feet away, 20 feet away... *pause* Shit it was chaos man... I had to jump aside so I didn't get run over.

I took the girl home and we had a wild night. Kept going for hours and hours like crazy.

My buddy: Wow, so was it just fucking or was she good at giving blow as well?

My response: I wouldn't know, her head got run over by the train.

I think you made that story up.

[Jelmo]

No man, it happened for reals. I swear on my cup of spiked coffee.

[Texaholic]

What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman mouth?
















Einstein's Dick........................

[Jelmo]

So I've read in somebody's sig around here...

[Jelmo]

A Michigan University fan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Michigan University baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Michigan fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Michigan University baby boy. Going to be a Michigan University football player."

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Michigan University baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds ."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Michigan father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[Wingman]

why is the champs elysees tree-lined?

because the germans like to march in the shade.

[whiskeyprick]

There was a car accident. The man whose car was hit from behind gets out and surveys the damage. He looks at the other man who hit him and says, "I ain't happy."

The other man says, "Well then, which one are you?"

[Wingman]

There was a car accident. The man whose car was hit from behind--a midget--gets out and surveys the damage. He looks at the other man who hit him and says, "I ain't happy."

The other man says, "Well then, which one are you?"

there you go; all fixed.

[JohnnyT]

There was a car accident. The man whose car was hit from behind--a midget--gets out and surveys the damage. He looks at the other man who hit him and says, "I ain't happy."

The other man says, "Well then, which one are you?"

there you go; all fixed.

still not funny

[Slim]

What do princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
















Their last great hit was the Wall