Offensive bar jokes

[deadpuppiesandwhores]

An international competition to find the most manly man comes in three parts.
1-To drink a litre of vodka in one swallow.

2- to go into a room and shake hands with a female bear.

3-To have sex with a north siberian woman, who has never had a bath in her life.
A Frenchman drinks the vodka and collapses
An Englishman drinks the vodka, then faints at the sight of the bear.
The Scotsman drinks the vodka, walks into the room with the bear. There is a terrible commotion, then the Scotsman walks out, zips up his trousers and says" right where's this woman i've to shake hands with?".

did he fuck the bear? wait i thought he was supposed to fuck... ohhh i get it. i'm crying all over again.

[Omar The Tentmaker]

Quite offensive to some so dont blame me if you dont like it.


A man and his wife are sitting in one of those bar/restaurants. the many wife excuses herself to "freshen up". on her way to the bathroom she passes the bar and an rough looking man looks her up and down and says "I wanna bend you ovet this table and have you here"

the wife appalled goes back to her husband and tells him the tale. he starts to stand up and roll back his sleeves to go confront the man but is calmed down by his wife saying to not start anything.

about half an hour later the mans wife excuses herself to make another attempt at freshening up and upon passing the same man hears him say "I wanna pick you up turn you upside down, fill yer vagina full of guinness and chug it out"

The wife runs back to her husband and starts telling whet the man said. he starts rolling up his sleeves and when she finished her story the husband has sat back down.

His wife says "Well arent you going to do anything about it?"

He responds "Im not crazy enough to mess with a man who drinks THAT much Guinness"

[Circling over Shannon]

the one about the mokey...that was pissable I love it :lol:

[LuckyStrikes]

A man sits at a bar ordering double Whiskey all night. Every time the barman serves him a drink the man pours the drink all over his hand. The bar man is confused, but after all the guy's still paying for the drink. Eventually though the bar mans curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the guy why he's wasting all the booze. The guy replies: "I have to get my date drunk!"


A guy is stranded on a desert isle, alone for 10 years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks, it's not a ship. The speck gets a little closer, and he thinks, it's not a boat. The speck gets even closer and he thinks, it's not a raft. Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wetsuit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and says, "Man, oh, man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey? He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
She starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down to the front of her wet suit, and she says to him, "How long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" The man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got a pool table in there!"


This woman goes into her local bar and orders a Whiskey but unusually decides to stand at the bar instead of taking her usual seat. The bar man asked her "What's up" "Oh nothing" she replied "Its just that I have had some tattoos done on my thighs and they are a bit sore still". "Interesting" says the bar man "what are the tattoos?" "Well one thigh has a Turkey and the other thigh has a Christmas tree". Thinking it unusual the bar man asked "Why?" "Simple" she replies" My husband is always complaining about having nothing nice to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas

[Generic Jug]

This woman goes into her local bar and orders a Whiskey but unusually decides to stand at the bar instead of taking her usual seat. The bar man asked her "What's up" "Oh nothing" she replied "Its just that I have had some tattoos done on my thighs and they are a bit sore still". "Interesting" says the bar man "what are the tattoos?" "Well one thigh has a Turkey and the other thigh has a Christmas tree". Thinking it unusual the bar man asked "Why?" "Simple" she replies" My husband is always complaining about having nothing nice to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Niiiiice.

[creem57]

A poor man and a poor woman sit down in their living room and the man says, ''I'm going down to the bar for a bit, so you might want to get your coat.''
The woman says, ''Oh, why sweetie, Are you taking me with you?''

The man replies, ''No, I'm turning off the heat.''

[Audiogasm]

^
l
l
jefferson airplane- crown of creation album cover
i feel inspired.
just call me lather and pass the bottle

[Savage]

^
l
l
jefferson airplane- crown of creation album cover
i feel inspired.
just call me lather and pass the bottle

Lather was thirty years old today
They took away all of his toys
His mother sent newspaper clippings to him
About his old friends who'd stopped being boys

[Growler]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, Sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in
the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Growler]

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the
>wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
> The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some
>time now. Do you know him?"
> "Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like
>that since I left him seven years ago."
> "That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody
>could celebrate that long." Anybody else out there? :?:

[zak]

A visitor to New England from the south enters a bar wearing a hat with the confederate flag on it. Bartender looks at him and ask "What do you call a black man flying an airplane?"
The southern thinks about it for a few moments but can't think of an answer. So he gives up and ask the bartender. "I have no clue, what do you call a black man flying an airplane?"
The bartender looks at him and replies. "You call him a pilot you racist"

[3DrinksAhead]

OK, all my friends hate it when I tell this joke. But I think its fucking hillarious. If you are going to tell it, you have to stretch it out as long as possible, to build suspense.

The Clown Joke.

There is this kid, in the third grade, and he loves the circus. Its his favorite thing in the world. His favorite thing about the circus? Clowns. This kid loves clowns. He has clown wallpaper, clown pyjamas, a clown lunchbox, you name it, its got a clown on it. THis kid is allways talking about clowns and watching clown dvds and generally just fucking obsesed with clowns.

Anyway, one day in school, the teacher anounces that for the field trip this year, the class is going to the circus, to see a performance by the Best Clown in the World. The kid goes apeshit. The Best Clown in the World! Holy Fuck! This is gonna be MINT! Anyway, the kid goes home and tells his mom, but the mom says "well, i dunno, your dad got laid off and money is really tight, i dont think we can afford to send you to the circus this year.". The kid is devestated. He cries in his room for days. THe day of the circus comes, and the kid stays home from school, since no one is going to be there anyway. He cries in his room for hours, knowing that his classmates are witnessing something that only he could really apreciate. Well, Pretty soon his dad comes home from looking for work, and suprises the kid with 3 TICKETS TO THE CIRCUS, one each for him, his mom, and dad! He is overjoyed, and smiles the whole way to the big top.

Once there, they watch the lion tammer, the trapeze artists, the trampoline, etc., until finaly the clowns come out. Then, The Best Clown in the World comes out. A hush falls over the crowd.

"Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls," the clown begins, "for my first trick, I shall need a volunteer".

Every hand in the audience goes up. Kids are going nuts, frothing at the mouth and everything. Escept the one kid, who is too much in awe to even raise his hand. So of course, the clown picks him.

The kid stumbles down into the ring, feeling like he has died and gone to heaven. "now, little boy, before you begin, I have to ask you a few questions", says the clown. THe kid jsut stares at him and nods.

"Are you a kitty-cat?" asks the clown.

"N-n-no" stammers the kid.

"Are you a doggy?"
"no..."

"Well, then you must be a JACKASS!!!!!!!""""

Instantly, the crown erupts in laughter. People are throwing rotten garbage at the kid. The clown reaches into a bag, puls out a handfull of steaming donkey shit, and hurls it into the kids face! "Jackass, Jackass" the clown taunts, and the crowd follows. The kid's parents are so embarassed, they leave without him, and he has to hitchhike home, covered in donkey shit.

Needless to say, the kids life is ruined. Everyone at school hates him. His desk and his locker are filled with donkey shit on a daily basis. His dad takes off, leaving his mother to degenerate into a dark world of pills and cocaine, while the phone rings every night to deliver obscene, donkey-related messages to the answering machine.

The rest of his school career is a nightmare. But then, when he gets to college, things turn around. Because he is a genuinely good person, he makes friends fast. He does well, goes on to medical school, becomes a reknowned surgeon, and has an extremely lucrative practice in Los Angeles, where he lives out the American Dream with his wife and two daughters.

Until one day, much later in life, a package arrives on the porch. It has no return adress...

Inside the package is a piece of paper with the word "jackass" written on it, and one small little donkey turd, rolled into a ball.

Imediately, the mans life is ruined. His wife leaves him for an armless leper who is also a known homosexual. Both his daughters become prostitutes, with some of his friends as there most frequent clients. Soon, he loses his license to practise medicine, then he loses his home, then he loses his dignity. He is a bum. Homeless, he turns to the bottle for comfort, and spends many years suckling its glass teat in the beaten alleyways of the west coast, going from town to town, eating from dumpsters, etc.

Until one day, he looks up at the wall of an alley, and sees a poster. The Circus is comming to town that night. And in this circus is The Oldest Clown in the World, formerly known as the Best Clown in the World.

Something snaps in him then. He sets his mind to work devising the most evil, hideous, twisted scheme ever devised, to get his revenge on the clown, the evil red-nosed bastard that ruined his life all those years ago.

He manages to hussle enough money to get himself cleaned up , and buy a ticket to the circus. He sits through the lion tamer, trapeze and trampoline, then the clowns come out. Followed by the Oldest Clown in the World. Who again asks for a volunteer.

The old man sits there, not raising his hand, and is called on.

"Well, old man," the clown begins,

"are you a kitty-cat"

"No."

"Are you a doggy?"

"No."

"Well then, you must be a JACKASS!!!!!!""

And in that one, brief instant before the crowd can react, before even the clown has a chance to follow through, the old man stands up straight, sticks out his chest, looks the clown straight in the eye, and in a proud, triumphant voice that all can hear, he says

"fuck you, clown. Fuck you."

[Rowdydrunk79]

Funny, but it needs Cliff Notes

[Jackie07]

Joke #1

So, there's this [insert whatever ethnicity here] girl named Maria, and she lives at home with her mother. And Maria is a really big slut. Every night, she goes out and she sucks and fucks the whole town. Maria's poor mother is always so distraught, and always asks her daughter: "Maria, Maria, when are you gonna get married?" And Maria says, "Oh shut up Mama, I ain't never getting married."

So one night, Maria comes home, late as usual, and she has all this rice in her hair. Maria's mom is elated: "Maria, honey, you finally got married! I'm so happy!" Maria shakes her head and says, "No, mama, I was blowing a Chinese man and he got sick!"

Joke #2

There's this bus of Catholic schoolgirls, and there is a terrible crash. None of the girls survive. So they die, and then there is a long line of Catholic school girls in front of the gates of Heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for them.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Now Janie, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

Janie blushes and says, "Well, I touched the tip of one with my finger once."

St. Peter responds, "Then dip your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."

St. Peter asks the next girl, "Susie, have you had any contact with a penis?"

Susie giggles and says, "Well, I once stroked one with my hand."

St. Peter replies, "Okay, then put your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

Suddently there is a lot of commotion in the back of the line. One girl is pushing her way to the front.

St. Peter asks, "Sarah, what's all the trouble?"

Sarah yells, "Well, if I'm going to have to gargle with that holy water, I want to do it before Jackie sticks her ass in it!"

(This joke was forwarded to me with "Jackie" as the ass girl, so I thought I'd leave it like that.)


Joke #3

An 8-year-old boy is spending some quality time with his father. The little boy asks, "Dad, what does a vagina look like?"

The father thinks about it for a moment before answering. "Well, that depends, son. Before sex, a vagina looks like a beautiful flower -- like a rose with it's petals closed."

"Oh," says the son. "What about after sex?"

The dad hesitates, and says "Well....can you picture a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

[zak]

Janet who has been living with her father until he died on her 16th birthday moves up to Alaska to live with her mother. Her mother picks her up from the airport. On the ride home, Janet complains about her hands being cold, and her mother tells her to put her ands between her legs until they warm up. Being new in town, Janet's mother has a neighborhood kid to show her around the town.
While driving her around, he complains about his hands being cold. She tells him to put his hands between her legs until they warm up.
Naturally, he comes by the next day to "show her around" again. While parked near a lake he tells her that his face is cold. She tells him to put his face between her legs until it warms up.
Once again he comes by to show Janet around town the next night.
The next day, Janet's mother is driving her to her first day of school when she ask an awkward question.
"Mom, do you know what a Penis is?"
The mom is nervous and surprised thinking that her father had already had "the talk" with her.
"umm yeah why do you ask?"
"Cause when those things thaw out, they leave an aweful mess."