Offensive bar jokes

Post your favorite quips of wino wisdom here.

Moderators: Badfellow, Mr Boozificator, Artful Drunktective, mistah willies, NYDingbat, Judge, oettinger, Oggar

Post Reply
User avatar
Bob Young
Super Drunkard
Super Drunkard
Posts: 167
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:24 pm
Location: Sitting on the dock, waiting for the ship too blackout island. I hope it didn't forget about me.

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Bob Young » Wed Dec 15, 2010 3:16 am

Abortion - it brings out the kid in you...
“Sinite felix transeat tempus!”

User avatar
Bob Young
Super Drunkard
Super Drunkard
Posts: 167
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:24 pm
Location: Sitting on the dock, waiting for the ship too blackout island. I hope it didn't forget about me.

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Bob Young » Wed Dec 15, 2010 3:17 am

A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last person alive." Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look right off her face.
“Sinite felix transeat tempus!”

User avatar
Bob Young
Super Drunkard
Super Drunkard
Posts: 167
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:24 pm
Location: Sitting on the dock, waiting for the ship too blackout island. I hope it didn't forget about me.

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Bob Young » Wed Dec 15, 2010 3:35 am

A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas. So the poor man asks the rich man, "what are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says "well, if she doesn't like the earrings she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him "so, what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "a pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks "why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds "this way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."
“Sinite felix transeat tempus!”

User avatar
Bob Young
Super Drunkard
Super Drunkard
Posts: 167
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:24 pm
Location: Sitting on the dock, waiting for the ship too blackout island. I hope it didn't forget about me.

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Bob Young » Wed Dec 15, 2010 3:36 am

A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".
“Sinite felix transeat tempus!”

User avatar
Bob Young
Super Drunkard
Super Drunkard
Posts: 167
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:24 pm
Location: Sitting on the dock, waiting for the ship too blackout island. I hope it didn't forget about me.

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Bob Young » Wed Dec 15, 2010 3:44 am

A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!"
“Sinite felix transeat tempus!”

User avatar
JimLahey
Drunker Than God
Drunker Than God
Posts: 2105
Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2011 6:32 pm
Location: Sunnyvale Trailerpark

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by JimLahey » Sun Apr 03, 2011 8:55 pm

Bob Young wrote:A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last person alive." Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look right off her face.
Damn, that's good.

User avatar
Captain Tim
Souse
Souse
Posts: 24
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 11:26 pm
Location: MO

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Captain Tim » Sun Apr 03, 2011 10:54 pm

Start off smooth:

I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old with a shot of coke.

So this guy comes into a bar...
wait a minute...it was a horse...
So this guy cums into a horse...

If a tree falls onto a woman and no one is around to hear it, why is there a tree in the kitchen?


Let's keep this going!

User avatar
John Barleycorn
Ten Feet Tall and Bulletproof
Ten Feet Tall and Bulletproof
Posts: 1006
Joined: Sat Apr 02, 2011 3:03 pm

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by John Barleycorn » Sat Apr 09, 2011 3:34 pm

Bob Young wrote:A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last person alive." Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look right off her face.
Classy wit to equal that of Churchill!

User avatar
John Barleycorn
Ten Feet Tall and Bulletproof
Ten Feet Tall and Bulletproof
Posts: 1006
Joined: Sat Apr 02, 2011 3:03 pm

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by John Barleycorn » Sat Apr 09, 2011 7:09 pm

What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?




An erection!

User avatar
Wingman
Chugging Like Churchill
Chugging Like Churchill
Posts: 5081
Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2009 1:44 pm
Location: on my way to a bar

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Wingman » Sun Jan 15, 2012 1:26 pm

Bamby wrote:I want to know some jokes about kids, because my little friends are want to know kids jokes from me. But i don't know any kids jokes which i can share with my little friends. So, please tell me some jokes about kids and i can share these jokes with my little friends and they become happy to hear these jokes.
judge, we got a pedophile troll here!

get me an alcopop before he kicks you out, will ya?
Stupid should hurt.

"We're better than mere people, we're DRUNKARDS."
--ThirstyDrunk

User avatar
Screwball
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 7065
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2006 6:30 pm
Location: A half foot away from a cat's nutsack. I Gotta get the DevilKat Fixed!

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Screwball » Sun Jan 15, 2012 3:31 pm

This guy knows a bunch of jokes for your little friends. Tell him were they are and he'll come pick them up in his van.
Image

He's gonna REALLY LIKE your little friends!

User avatar
Tariel
Super Drunkard
Super Drunkard
Posts: 162
Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2011 5:28 am
Location: Auckland
Contact:

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Tariel » Sun Feb 05, 2012 11:59 am

Chap gets a mute gf, so he says to her, now then I know you can't speak but I wanna respect your wishes when it comes to carnal matters. I ll pop me dick out everytime I want a blowjob, if you feel up for it, jerk the dick once, if you wanna decline, jerk it a hundred times.
To sit down with these men and deal with them as a representative of an enlightened and civilized people is to deride one's own dignity and to invite the disaster their treachery will bring upon us - Gen. Ridgeway

User avatar
Judge
Moderator
Posts: 7705
Joined: Sun Jun 08, 2003 11:01 pm
Location: Can't find my ass with two hands

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Judge » Tue Feb 07, 2012 2:03 am

Wingman wrote:
Bamby wrote:I want to know some jokes about kids, because my little friends are want to know kids jokes from me. But i don't know any kids jokes which i can share with my little friends. So, please tell me some jokes about kids and i can share these jokes with my little friends and they become happy to hear these jokes.
judge, we got a pedophile troll here!

get me an alcopop before he kicks you out, will ya?
Fucking Bangladeshfucks. Making offensive posts in a thread about offensive jokes. The establishment wants to extend our apologies and buy the house a round.
Proverbs 31:6&7

"Pain is sometimes the price of laughter."-Oggar

CPE1704TKS

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane"-Marcus Aurelius

And afterwords we can run amok! Or if you're too tired, we can walk amok.

User avatar
Patchez
Chugging Like Churchill
Chugging Like Churchill
Posts: 5339
Joined: Sat Feb 06, 2010 6:41 pm
Location: South Central, PA

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Patchez » Sun Aug 05, 2012 6:27 am

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with
her privates.
"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous queef as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.
He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it."
Now you're ready for some anti-dry-otics!-BeerMakesMeSmarter

If worms had daggers, birds wouldn't fuck with them-Todd Snider

Blackout and be extraordinary-Absinthe of Malice

User avatar
ThirstyDrunk
Juicing Like Jackie
Juicing Like Jackie
Posts: 12273
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2006 10:35 pm
Location: Xenia

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by ThirstyDrunk » Tue Aug 21, 2012 8:32 pm

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar.
Bartender says "Alright, I'll serve you guys, but don't start anything".
To be fair, I'm drunker than you.

Post Reply